Old People All Dress Alike
Is it okay? Probably not, but we have our reasons
Years ago I was sitting in a cafe in Laughlin, NV. It was too early for a conversation, yet I was perched in a booth across from a co-worker named Mark.
Mark kept glancing around the faux cafeteria, eyes darting as if a SWAT team was about to break through the door and hide behind the life-sized potted plant.
“You know,” he began.
I stared at my buffet eggs and limp bacon.
“Hunh?” My catchy rejoinder caused his head to whip around. He looked me straight in the eye.
I flinched, wondering if it was too late to grab a tortilla. I sensed I was about to learn something deep.
“You know,” he repeated, “they say teenagers all dress alike, but look at these old people.”
I glanced around. He was right. The old guys were wearing collared shirts that combine leisure wear with something formal and fail at both. Their outfits were not improved by stretchy poly trousers.
The ladies were killin’ it in floral prints and faux denim pull-up pants.
The old dudes were wearing shirts that mash-up T-shirt-casual with couch material, with a weird, wide band around the waist. But they are collared. But they aren’t golf shirts.
Thankfully, microfiber gobbled up those monstrosities like Godzilla in a Walmart.
We Must Speak of Why
I stared down at my $3.99, all-you-can-eat meal and pondered what he said. At the time, I felt his words would be burned into my brain forever.
“You’re right,” I said, and I meant it. My mouth was open because I just took a bite, but mostly because I was in awe of that moment of truth.
If I’d peered more closely, I would’ve stared directly into the heart of ghastly fashion cobwebs like an astronaut staring into a supernova.
orthopedic shoes…pull up, elastic pants…those jackets your dad wears that look like khaki windbreakers…off, off-brand jeans
The good news: not one pair of jeggings could be found.
Designer jeans, with ornate pocket designs, were nowhere to be seen. Not a single geezer was sporting a thong, tube top, or those T-shirts that women wear that hang off one shoulder and reveal a bra strap as if they are auditioning for Flashdance: The Cubicle Years.
The Full Package
It’s no single element of geezerwear that causes a wrinkled brow and dismay in the average observer.
No— it is the ensemble aspect that’s the problem.
Stretch elastic pull-up pants, blazing white orthopedic shoes, a plain jane jacket with a zipper, and blouses possibly stitched from floral furniture arm covers.
But what matters isn’t ruthlessly judging Olds like books judged for having a boring cover.
It’s more important to get to the bottom of this phenomenon, amiright?
Understanding breeds empathy just like familiarity breeds contempt.
Trying to understand someone familiar breeds the use of cliches that pass for original writing.
On to the two existential questions at hand: why do each of these four staples of geezer clothing exist, and can we do anything about it?
Sartre and Shoes
It was the great French philosopher Henri the Cat who misquoted Sartre when he said:
“My dignity died today. Or maybe it was yesterday. In any case, I knew I’d given up because I put on a pair of orthopedic shoes and left out the cat door onto a path of despair.”
Henri never wore shoes but like many great thinkers and cats, he was expressing himself metaphorically.
Orthopedic shoes are comfortable, and that is why Olds wear them. Their feet hurt, more than yours. Ortho shoes match everything. They are the white tube socks of shoes.
Case closed.
Pull-ups for Old Ladies
Henri did not discuss pull-up, elastic pants because he fell into a philosophical rabbit hole just dealing with shoes, and disappeared, so we are on our own.
Essentially, when you get older dealing with buttons and zippers and all that jazz isn’t only annoying but also physically painful.
You get arthritis in your hands and you gotta pee fast — no time for fiddling with those 501 jeans, super Euro five buttons.
When you gotta drop trou, those elastic bands are the fastest gunfighter in the west.
Most of all, you want a simple rack of clothing in your closet you can easily mix and match. Sundresses and pocketless skirts are less appealing than stretch pants because you are old and no one is looking at you.
Perhaps this next generation of Boomer Olds will embrace better pull-up alternatives like Crazy Pants or Scrubs. I don’t know. I am a GenXer and I’m sure by the time I get Social Security no one will be able to afford pants because my whole generation has been disappointed at every major life milestone.
Nondescript, Pointless Jackets
My dad had this windbreaker that didn’t keep much wind out. It was more like breeze resistant.
It was also too flimsy to keep the cold out. I was perpetually perplexed by its existence, and yet he favored it.
The dad-jacket was beige and had a zipper, and a small collar.
No hood, couldn’t keep the water off, provided no real protection from the cold or sun.
It was more symbolic than real.
The jacket that helps you remember what it’s like to feel warm in a coat.
I see old guys in these all the time. I guess the upside is it's lighter weight than a jean jacket and matches everything, and it reminds them of wearing a blazer, or something.
They come in three colors: tan, beige, and khaki-beige.
Off, Off-Brand Jeans
Levis, Lees, Lucky, and hundreds of off-brand blue trousers spill out in the aisles of thrift stores because of overpopulation.
Many of these jeans are emblazoned with swirly, zircon-studded back pockets that scream:
Look at my ass!
But the worst, more horrifying jeans are old lady jeans.
They are denim-ish, smooth, and pocketless. They have a stretch elastic band because — see “Pull-ups” section. They are more bland than a naked hot dog cold out of the fridge.
These jean pretenders are akin to baloney, piled high enough to be the same height as steak, trying to fool us into believing all protein sources are alike, and all blue pants might as well be jeans.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and conclude faux jeans are popular with seniors because they pull up and require no buttoning, zipping, or belting.
And they are blue, which is a salty, spicy alternative to beige.
No muss, no fuss.
Old People Dress Alike and Don’t Feel Sorry for Us
Unlike teens, who dress alike because they want to be part of the in-crowd, Olds dress alike because all practical clothing is equally soulless.
All hair that has been stripped of its color is some shade of gray.
When you remove the fashion from clothes, they resemble a gang of evil quintuplets from The Omen: Chapter Nine.
Another great mind once wrote:
“Happy families are all alike. Unhappy families are all different, in different ways.”
I think this might apply, but since I never grokked teen fashion and stumbled through the eighties trying to find a blazer that fit without making me look butch, I can’t be sure Tolstoy is relevant.
Ultimately, what we’ve learned is we are going to dress like lemmings forever because we think we are individuals but we are wrong.
We are just trying to get through this thing called Life while blending in and making sure no one hates us.
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Jean Campbell is based in Hot Springs, Arkansas. She has been writing on Medium for years and has recently published her first novel, Down and Out on the Road South, with Wings ePress.