Childfree Lady Dies in Unicycle Accident
Frivolous hobby addiction is killing millions of white women every year, but there is a cure
Phyllis Biltbong, 56, died suddenly on Tuesday, following a unicycle accident on the corner of Grand Avenue and Teczualexpuc Circle. Onlookers described the surreal scene as:
“Are unicycles even legal in this state?”
and:
“It was like watching a porcupine fall off a see-saw.”
Biltbong’s family believes she died from too many frivolous hobbies. They issued a statement hours after her death:
“Our sister Phyllis had a lot of free time. We implore other childfree women to limit themselves to no more than three hobbies. We cannot overstate the importance of pursuing conventional white, female pastimes such as baking and gardening. This disorder is just as common as osteoporosis, and just as deadly.”
Apparently, Phyllis wasn’t just burning the candle at both ends, but juggling three fiery multi-colored candles of various sizes while riding a unicycle. The wax was too hot for her, and ultimately she lost her balance.
Her unicycle instructor, Stringtheory Rainbow, also made a statement. Rainbow remembered her, sobbing, “She had so much potential.”
The family is devasted, but convinced other deaths can be prevented if people know the signs. They are working to raise Frivolous Hobby Addiction Awareness in the community.
Her Hobby List Was ‘Nuttier Than Granny’s Fruitcake’
The Biltbongs are a prosperous clan who live in that mansion on the hill, you know the one that looks out onto Highway 7, with about a million acres of white fencing and a herd of miniature horses.
Ironically, they adore small horses but rarely talk to the little people.
At a press conference on Wednesday, Chester Biltbong, Jr. explained the family tried to intervene several months earlier by sending their youngest sister to rehab in deepest Minnesota.
When she returned home, she said part of her recovery was a “fearless and searching hobby inventory” and revealed everything to her family:
— Abandoned Building Club (ABC), Secretary — Antkeeping — Bicycling — Community Improv — Eddie Izzard fan club — Elephant polo, fan — Euro board games — Events Committee — Flag football, Ladies-Over-55 — Ketogenic diet, online moderator — Mah Jong — Mushrooms, gathering of — Paperweights, collecting of — Pickleball — Unicycling — Writing on Medium
Phyllis faithfully called her sponsor daily, who reminded her she must especially shun novel, trivial pastimes. Abstinence was the only way.
She had a weakness for obscure sports and was convinced that El Ocho (Obscure Sports Quarterly) from the film Dodgeball, really existed.
Finding El Ocho was her holy grail, commented her brother Chester.
You Can’t Throw Money at This Disorder
It’s too late for Phyllis but her family revealed the top five risk factors:
1/ Female gender 2/ Whiteness 3/ Being an underachiever and/or overachiever 4/ Being childfree 5/ Card-carrying member of Michael’s Craft Stores
“We we’re in the dark,” Chester admitted, “So we missed the red flags and made rookie mistakes.”
Phyllis’s twin sister, Phoebe, recounted the time she tried to talk to her sister.
“I asked her if she could just give up the “E” hobbies: Elephant polo, Eddie Izzard fan club, Euro board games, and the Event Committee at the church. She said she would, then the lying started.”
“It was like my sister turned into a completely different person,” said Phoebe, adding, “not that she was perfect before that.”
The presence of an obscure hobby like ant keeping or over-55 flag football is a major red flag, according to hobby addiction experts.
She Hit Bottom Fighting Over a Paperweight
Her surviving siblings aren’t mincing words: hobby addiction kills thousands of privileged white women every year.
Women disappearing overboard on cruises, collapsing at fundraisers, or being discovered half-eaten by their designer dogs don’t die by accident. Autopsies usually reveal signs of frivolous hobby addiction.
It’s a silent killer, like osteoporosis and social exclusion.
On the surface, Phyllis appeared to be the victim of a unicycling accident, but authorities found a Disney-themed paperweight clutched in her hand.
She sometimes wore disguises to local estate sales, a ploy to outwit her family but also because the Biltbongs are well known in these parts, and not always in a good way.
Miniature horse envy is real — another sad reality of the rift between haves and have-nots.
She finally broke down and admitted she had a problem after being returned to the Biltbong estate in a police cruiser. Office Mike Jones was called to the scene of 2387 Parsley Lane, where an ugly altercation over a paperweight — apparently one featuring either Snow White or Cruella Deville (reports vary) — was unfolding on the garage floor.
Two middle-aged white women were wrestling over the objet d’art; both were issued warnings, in another example of the blatant unfairness of the American criminal justice system.
Chester and Phoebe, embarrassed as hell, drove Phyllis to an undisclosed clinic that day.
Three days after being released from rehab and returned to her family, she was back on her unicycle, peddling to an estate sale down the street.
Phyllis’s own estate sale will be held next Saturday. She’d been hinting to friends about her legacy, should anything happen to her. Would they help her host the best estate sale ever, which didn’t include cheap plastic crap from Walmart?
Mothers Don’t Have Hobbies
“We aren’t experts,” Phoebe told the press, “but one thing we learned is scolding, threatening, and pleading don’t work. Plus, there is a 12-step group for this disorder.”
Chester spoke next: “We found Workaholics Anonymous is the closest thing to a real solution.”
Then John Henry, a cousin, piped up: “They still don’t know exactly what kills hobby fanatics.”
Researchers have a vaccine for hobby addiction, but some say it’s almost as bad as the disease itself. The proven prevention is motherhood.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t possible for Phyllis, as her mother Millicent alluded to during the press conference:
“I told her to have kids, but she wouldn’t listen. But then, she did have a way of scaring youngsters, so maybe it’s for the best.”
Women with children and grandchildren whispered:
“If only the poor girl had become a mother instead of raising ants!”
The Biltbong family has asked for donations to the local chapter of ABC, as Phyllis was about to celebrate her 20th anniversary with the pro-trespassing club of social misfits next month. They also noted that El Ocho definitely isn’t real.
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Jean Campbell recently started her first Substack newsletter to laser focus on getting her book, City of Lies: A Street Hustler’s Omaha Story published.
