Old People Want Happy Meals

The circle of life from baby food to pizza to death

When I was a child, I was forced to visit my weird Uncle Gordon every year. We always took him to Luby’s cafeteria, where I would revel in ordering my own food that nobody else could touch, plus dessert.

I’d get the fried chicken and a slice of cream pie. Forget vegetables because no one could make me.

Later, I came to understand old people love cafeteria food because they know what they are getting.

In life, getting what you pay for is harder than you think, and after decades of not getting what you thought you were gonna get, you settle for Luby’s.

Hell, you appreciate Luby’s.

Here in my gated community, we have 14 deeply mediocre restaurants, plenty to feed the throngs of white-haired geezers seeking sustenance.

Everyone knows Olds are cheap bastards, and don’t want to pay for great food, but their passion for chicken strips is alarming.

Eating kid foods for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in public and not being ashamed — well frankly, this state of affairs has propelled me into investigative mode like a clown being shot out of a canon.

What’s on the menu

Chicken nuggets, pizza, and burgers dominate the Boomer bistros out here, with occasional saucier, edgier fare such as a fish sandwich, nachos, or — gasp — onion rings!

It’s fried, it’s bland, it’s easy to eat with your hands. What could go wrong?

I, intrepid pre-geezer, am about to find out as I drop into the inky black maze of pitfalls and caverns that accompany mediocrity. Won’t you come along?

What happens to a human being when surrounded by mediocrity? What mutations to the soul, what twisted Dr. Moreau permutations, what dark nights of the living dead come home to roost?

With unbridled investigative zest, I ride the orca of quasi-journalistic soothsaying to get to the heart of the question we ask whenever we take grandma out to eat: why grilled cheese?

Smell blind

They say when you lose your hearing, you should get your ass forthwith to an audiologist and plunk down $2,000 on some hearing aids before you become a babbling, blue-haired zombie husk.

Being slightly deaf annoys others, but it also raises the risk of dementia.

You would think not hearing people’s idiocy would be good for your health, but it turns out other people are good for us, like green vegetables and voting.

Smelling is important, too, so you can track when your BO has reached an intolerable level that might repulse other people, who — according to science — are good for you, like weight-bearing exercise and building your vocabulary.

In the nadir of stupid comedy biopics, Walk Hard, the main character suffers from the twin disabilities of being born both a musician and smell blind. Tragedy and great rock ‘n’ roll ensued, but I’m getting away from my topic.

Oh yes — what about taste? Many people don’t have much of it, judging by almost all wallpaper, some of our ex-presidents, and the popularity of the Kardashian franchise.

Yet we need taste, for without it we shall wander like beggars through a Sahara of mediocre restaurants. When taste takes the A-train, you are left with a spectrum of cardboard for dinner.

When old people rebel

You’d think a lifetime of eating would make you want to have the best, yet it’s not so.

I’ve written previously about dubious geezer outfits, eating dinner at 4 pm, and taking only lefthand turns, and all these phenomena have logical, sound explanations.

The rise of chicken nuggets among Olds is a tougher nut to crack. Here are the top theories:

1 / They don’t care

Once your body betrays you with weakness, fatigue, wrinkles, droopiness, and diminishing bladder control, you get hostile.

Screw this, you say, first in a whisper. Later, when the diapers come out, the inner monologue screams:

“Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, what next?”

At that point, quality of life has shrunken to the point where every trip out of the house is slightly harrowing and must be rewarded with french fries.

2 / I’m bringin’ sexy back

My brother-in-law used to tell my sister he didn’t like going to the swimming pool because he was out of shape and he would be judged harshly in his bathing suit. He was over 60. Her response was to remind him:

“No one is looking at you.”

Ouch, but it’s true. Even other Olds are disinterested because they are mulling over their next meal of crispy chicken nuggets with a choice of reliably adventurous sweet, salty, or tangy sauces and tater tots with melted Velveeta because eff off, cruel world.

3/ You can’t step in the same lazy river twice

It was Siddhartha who pointed out that you can’t step in the same river twice, but when you are old it’s all about the heated swimming pool.

And you get in the same damn one every day.

Laziness, whether it involves rivers or pools, is a deeply embedded human survival strategy. As we age, we get a whole lot lazier.

Most Olds aren’t even willing to saddle up on a floaty for the lazy river at a resort, because it’s unheated and there are waves and turbulence and children who pee in there.

At home, Olds spend hours doing pool aerobics, so this is yet another of life’s water koans.

Giving up real food is the first sign you’ve decided to be more honest about how lazy you actually are, which can be viewed as a tottering step in the right direction.

4/ In the land of bland

I was perusing cruises because I’m old and can’t help it, when I noticed the interior lounges look like old folks' homes.

I’d rather kayak down the Mississippi caked in mud and gnaw on cattails than rest my wrinkly ass on one of those greige, quilted aberrations.

Assisted living furniture is what would happen if coffin makers designed furniture.

When combined with a vague casino vibe, this decor makes me feel like I’m already dead and stuck in hell’s lobby waiting for my already dead spouse.

When you are surrounded by such furniture, bland food fits in like a Quaker in a group meeting, so if a seared leg of rabbit over a bed of crimson polenta with a whisper of cilantro pesto met your lips, you would combust.

It’s not worth it, really.

5/ Fake adulting

Olds are tired of being adults, especially the part where you have to act like an adult 24/7. They did their duty, and now they are reverting back to happier times.

Their commitment to adulting vanished into a biblical ball of fire when grandparenting came along.

Grandparents get Woke, seeing the dream is real: dirty diapers are for other people, and kids can be dropped off somewhere when you tire of them.

First you tossed aside parenting, then working, then getting into the lazy river because you’ve always hated water, so why follow stupid adult rules anymore? Who’s gonna make you?

Eat pizza every night, and if you want to only the pointy end.

6/ Trikes

Olds who rode motorcycles back in the day now choose trikes because they are more fun and come in canary yellow and we don’t stand up very well.

Trikes are essentially Big Wheels.

We can’t drink, smoke, fool around (without various gels, potions, pills, and regular yoga), eat too much, or drive at night because such activities will hasten our deaths, which we are now aware will actually happen in our lifetimes.

With the Grim Reaper grinning and our faded leather jacket ossifying, a cheeseburger is the only rational choice.

Certainty: It’s what’s for dinner

Why do kids like bland food, anyway? It’s mostly because new tastes freak them out. They seek familiarity because it’s less dangerous.

Children revolt at threatening textures, too, like mushrooms and raw alligator.

Olds are much the same, trying to find a safe culinary harbor in a stormy sea of uncertainty.

They don’t want the inevitable disappointment that comes with novelty. They’ve winnowed their hopes and dreams down to reliability.

This also explains their love of Buicks.

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Jean Campbell is based in Hot Springs, Arkansas. She has been writing on Medium for years. She has recently published her first novel, Down and Out on the Road South, with Wings ePress.