Avoiding the Police: Advice from the Inside
I work for the police and people are idiots
Most of what police do doesn’t involve arresting anyone.
As a dispatcher, it’s a good day when somebody gets arrested, because the documentation process isn’t onerous and the cops come back with stories.
The vast majority of police work is welfare checks, deaths, domestic disturbances, traffic stops, and suspicious people.
Even in this sleepy, backwater berg, it’s better to avoid Five-O.
It’s best to hide from the police if you can, and while 100% avoidance may not be possible, a few sensible safeguards work wonders.
When I was young, I had trouble avoiding cops and now that I’m old I never see them, except at work.
How did I accomplish this incredible feat of law-abiding maturity?
It’s mostly about your car.
Also, don’t have a warrant. If you have a warrant — even if it wasn’t your fault and the whole thing was a giant misunderstanding — for chrissakes, take care of it.
They will find you, come to your door, and arrest you.
You will not be arrested at a time or place convenient to you. They might even wake you up from a pleasant sleep. You might have drugs on you.
It might happen in front of your spouse, kids, or mom.
Be Tidy, Neat & Boring
We all have blind spots and the appearance of our vehicles is no exception. How your car looks, inside and outside, is a huge flag waving in the winds and telling everyone about your true character.
Your car is not about self-expression. Save that magic for the dance floor.
Make sure your plates are up to date. Make sure you have plates.
Avoid cars in bright colors, particularly yellow and red and obviously bright orange, purple or pink.
Get body damage repaired, even though it costs an arm and a leg. The same goes for rust, missing windows, broken tailpipes, and excessive bumper stickers.
It doesn’t hurt to have a slightly more expensive vehicle. When I drove a Ford Fiesta in avocado green, I got pulled over a lot.
At the time, I never had insurance. But I learned, after I went to court and the judge said:
“Next time, you’re going to jail.”
Driving While Adulting
Changing driving behavior is a great way to become a better person.
How you drive is as important, if not more vital, to becoming invisible to the po-po.
Driving well isn’t that hard if you focus on what you are doing, which is steering, accelerating, braking, and using your turn signal.
Don’t do other things while you drive, no matter what they are. Examples include:
— Checking your lottery ticket
— Painting your nails
— Liking on Facebook
— Writing articles for Medium
The most likely distractor is your phone, whether texting or listening to music, so carefully place your phone in the backseat. You don’t need it while you drive! No normal person can overcome the tantalizing temptation, when stopped at a light, to check the phone.
To recap: Your phone is never an aid to driving.
Obviously, driving while high or drunk is a terrible idea. If you have done this before, next time you go to a party and expect to drink, give your keys to a friend or take a Lyft, because you can’t trust yourself.
Your Car is Not a Time Machine
Don’t speed, it pisses the cops off. Only they are allowed to do that.
If you are always late, that’s because you can’t get out of the house on time. Don’t take your problem out onto the streets where someone could get killed.
It’s hard to never speed — we are all tempted — but consider it a point of great pride if you can go a year without speeding. What about a decade?
If you get in your car, then realize you are late, drive the speed limit anyway.
The best advice from remedial driver school, given to my husband, was:
“Your car is not a time machine.”
Your vehicle, which should be tidy, newer, and greige, isn’t a machine to solve your problem with temporal linearity.
If You Get Pulled Over
People who drive around with open liquor bottles, half-smoked joints, and loose cats should be even more cautious about getting pulled over.
If you get stopped, be respectful to the officer without fawning or getting nervous.
They pulled you over for a reason, so when they ask:
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
They are asking you to fess up. If you really don’t know, you can always answer:
“Speeding?”
It’s usually speeding.
Many cops are happy giving you a verbal or written warning, depending on how egregious your offense, their mood, and/or racism.
If they give you a ticket, rather that get pissed off do a quick review.
Did you do something to bring this on yourself? Is your car a purple, rusty disaster area? Do you treat the road as your personal raceway?
Are you driving around without insurance because you are poor and it’s cheaper and you think you are so damn smart?
If yes to any of the above, rest assured many of us have done this, especially when younger and more clueless.
If you are over 40 and still doing this sh*t, you have deeper problems.
Becoming a better human can be as simple as obeying traffic laws.
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Jean Campbell is based in Hot Springs, Arkansas. She has been writing on Medium for years, and has recently published her first novel, Down and Out on the Road South, with Wings ePress.
