On Being Present: Hindsight Is A Wonderful Thing. Anxiety? Not So Much.

Why it’s so powerful to live for every part of your journey

Over here, it’s been a wild week of major downloads. Lessons I’ve been working through for years now have landed with me this week.

As awesome as that is, I’m also SO TIRED from it.

It’s like I’ve been forced into giving myself the space to allow these insights to integrate — because my energy is wildly inconsistent. This means a lot of rest interspersed with bursts of creativity or short, sharp workouts (or not) and even more rest.

The mental fatigue has felt physical, so I put myself on a ban from doing any mental heavy lifting this week and my only real plans have been for getting in the sea.

Getting In The Sea

This week I’ve had 4 dooks in the sea with the local ladies and found others curious and wanting to join in, it’s been such a glorious experience.

Especially the dips on Sandend beach which were extra special with jumping into the waves and soaking in the crystal-white post-wave foam; it was like a cold jacuzzi.

The added secret sauce of cold water therapy is that you don’t have much choice other than to be deeply present at the moment — the cold makes sure of that — first with the initial hit of cold shock where your focus is the breath but then also when the cold starts to feel nice, so there’s the added awareness of being mindful to get out then and not after!

Given that my swims are in North Aberdeenshire on The Moray Coast in Scotland, they get pretty nippy in just a swimming costume and a smile. Cold water therapy, however, is one of my favorite ways of taking myself — it feels like a nervous system reset button where no matter how sketchy I’m feeling — cold water is sure to bring me back on a level — even if only temporarily.

So, What’s Going On?

Part of what is going on for me is that I am now experiencing many of the blessings I was wishing for and I’m still working through shedding the wiring for chaos.

The things I’ve been journalling about for years are here.

I have sea swimming buddies I get to swim with frequently.

I can surf here.

We’re in a house with a garden in a quiet place, Ruby has made buddies and there’s a village community.

I have friends who have been there for the last 5 years who I absolutely adore.

I’m reconnected with family in a way that feels aligned and safe without me trying to change things.

People are enjoying my writing.

My intuition is back in a big way.

I’m practising being present to the feelings and the experiences; the good and the bad; because my mind wants to jump into the future — plan the next big thing, or prepare for the worst. None of that is helpful, or enjoyable.

It’s taking conscious effort to bring me back into the now and just enjoy it. While that may sound mad, let’s face it — a lot of us future trip or take photos on our phones instead of deeply enjoying what we’re doing; instead of living now.

The thing is, getting the good stuff — it’s challenging me — With each new level I hit, I seem to welcome back anxiety in a big way.

What is really important is remembering it won’t stay — as long as I can prioritize grounding myself again.

I’ve had to revisit what I only just wrote on insomnia a few weeks back as I navigate this new level — befriending the uncomfortable feelings, practicing meditation and breathwork even more purposefully, and avoiding the scroll.

The Last 2 Years

This time 2 years ago I had just finished my first draft of my book and was taking a pause. I was totally unaware we were going to be uprooted from our home when we were flooded out by our upstairs neighbour; which threatened to render us homeless right before Christmas. I had to go to the press and (yikes) viral on TikTok before we’d get temporary accommodation. It was savage.

Then looking to a year ago when I was about to find out we’d be moving into the gorgeous newly built flat in Aberdeen — which we then had to move from when the noise of the traffic was so bad that I ended up getting a mattress to sleep in the hallway for 6 months.

To now, where, though it’s been a stressful journey to get here — I am closer to what I’ve asked for than I’ve ever been — we live in a house in a quiet Aberdeenshire village on the coast, Ruby is settled into school and I’m finally able to start getting my life and my business back on track.

Living For The Moment — Learning In Hindsight

It’s easy to want to wish away the challenges at the time, only to realise the magic that lay within them in hindsight. I have so much love for that temporary flat in Tillydrone which became our safe haven for a year. I do have so many pictures of moments of joy — these moments of joy probably all the more potent because I quite simply did not expect of those moments — I believed that the future held the key — so, could I have enjoyed those moments even more if I wasn’t living for something that didn’t exist?

At the time, I felt like I’d fallen backward and was failing. I felt like a failure. If I’d looked a little closer, I would have realized it was at this time I was enjoying the simple beautiful pleasures of leaning out the window and looking at the trees with a coffee in hand; or the stars at night; feeling a wave of calm as I stopped to enjoy feeling held by the almost ironic beauty of the council estate. It was these moments that paved the visualization for having the garden and before that the balcony.

I didn’t fully appreciate the time spent on my favorite walks with Ruby through Seaton Wood and Seaton Park which are still some of my favorite places in the world.

The library and the play parks.

Though I was present and did enjoy them, I know I was still overly mired in what would be.

In our fast-flowing world, it’s all too easy to miss out on the decadent pleasures that are oh so simple because we’ve been conditioned to always want more.

It’s only because I’ve been practicing mindfulness and somatic therapies for many years that I captured more of these moments than I realized at the time.

Now, I’m working on expanding them — being present more.

Slowing down more.

Training more than thinking because that’s my peace.

Being more grateful for what I do have whilst also holding space for the things I do desire and understanding I have those desires for a reason; recognizing again, in hindsight, that the most part fun of achieving those wonderful things is not knowing how it’s going to come about and enjoying the wild synchronicities along the way.

That being said… I’ve even been taking a break from daily journalling lately, all in honor of creating space to feel into things with my body and allow downloads to come. It’s been weird, but also needed.

Being In The Body Over The Mind

My journey in the last few years has undoubtedly been wild — what I’m reflecting on right now is the shift between how I’ve shifted my self-supportive practices to move me through life between pre-Ruby, to the last 5 years, to now.

In the last few years, I’ve used my mind a lot to move forward but to really move forward, I need to let go of overthinking and start using my intuition and my body more.

That’s where the wisdom is.

All those years working in fitness, connecting with my body, helped me to move forward without even knowing that’s what I was doing. Quite simply, how I managed my physical, mental, and physical health at any one time just couldn’t be the same for each stage of the journey.

This is where I see the frustration in so many other people; trying to implement health and fitness, self-care, or spiritual practices in the same way they did in a previous season in life only to feel frustrated when it doesn’t work the same — we all do it at some time or other — the first thing you do is jump to self-criticism; the assumption that you’re broken in some way or maybe the method doesn’t work.

We’ve been conditioned to ignore our body and its signals in favor of pushing and pulling it into a certain shape, or shaming and doubting our hunger signals; believing we’re somehow wrong, when if our bodies have gone haywire — it wasn’t our fault.

There are all the manipulative programs and the way foods are often engineered has led us to have altered hormonal responses; all to make you want more.

Before having Ruby, much of what supported me in life was movement-based and somatic — I was embodying this kind of practice before I even knew what I was doing on a conscious level — however, at this time, I had no idea what trauma was and how much it shaped my life experiences — so much of what I was doing was too much — avoiding feeling pain and striving to just be better and maybe things would get better.

When I became pregnant and after having Ruby, it naturally, shifted and shaped how I approached my well-being — I became more conscious of my self-awareness and then, after being denied support from doctors for postpartum depression, I began to study; a lot; and hard.

Psychology, sociology, and trauma became a deep focus and made sense of how much of a badass job I’d done to survive. I was lucky to be alive, I am lucky to be alive.

Now, I’m coming full circle.

I’m leaning back into the body.

Psychology and process helped me to survive.

Trusting in myself and my body is how I thrive.

Moving, breathing; living; taking risks;

This is part of growing up; getting older; the further away from the carefree teens you get; the more life experience and disappointments and hurt face; the less keen you get on taking risks, being bold, and leading with a dreamer’s mind — but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Yet, you can become conscious of it, redevelop your inner trust and knowing, and start making the choices you know in your heart will maximize your life

- but it all starts with being willing to re-develop that trust in yourself and your desires.

I’ll never not be on this journey.

It’s not a one-and-done.

It’s an ever-expanding process and that’s a part of the beauty of it.

Amanda Jayne O’Hare is a personal growth and health writer, mentor, and course creator in her own Amanda Jayne Thrives. You can grab my personal growth reading list when you sign up for the newsletter here to keep in the loop with musings, reflections, and lessons.