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Abstract

e conditioned into waiting for the other shoe to drop, or when people weren’t happy for you when good things happened. Both of these experiences and reasons rang true for me.<h2 id="a22a">The Healing Journey</h2>When I had worked through triggers and lows, it came time to work through the fact that it was the good feelings and joy that could trigger me into self-sabotage or feelings of self-abandonment — subconsciously, I’d believe that if I was self-sufficient or doing well, maybe I would lose the support I had when I had been at my lowest. Maybe my friends and chosen family would leave.This is where the term high functioning is such a problem — whether it be anxiety, depression, addiction or when addressing being autistic — to be high functioning is exclusively referencing how useful you are to capitalism.It was a long time before I’d begin to feel safe leaving this feedback loop. I had to take time to develop the ability to ask for and receive help and also to be honest with myself about how I was feeling — something which, in a world where we’re encouraged to put a positive swing on everything is such a minefield when you’re trying to rewire your brain!It took time and being able to communicate with those who became my chosen family that those were the experiences I was having and over time — that it was success and joy I was struggling with — and with gentle support plus doing my best to slow myself down when I feel scared, I am able to feel more joy, receive wonderful things and experiences and be viscerally grateful for what I do have.It’s not perfect or unflawed and there are always new layers I’m to uncover, yet, yes — I can find more safety in joy and things going well than I ever have before. I can’t state enough how incredible that is because I honestly thought it might never happen for me.<h2 id="359a">Glimmers</h2>Glimmers are the opposite of triggers. In the Oxford Dictionary Glimmers are defined as ‘a faint sign of a feeling or quality, especially a desirable one.’By focussing on the glimmers you grow the amount of glimmers you can experience because if you pay conscious attention to them — it’s easier to recognise how many of them there are. In the same way if you focus on the negative, the more you see that too. Given that our brains have a negative bias — we’re more likely to focus on the negative as a survival mechanism, but we aren’t being chased by bears now, it’s emails and such giving us hell — it’s not your fault your brain defaults to negatives and potential threats and even more so if you experience trauma. However, to make life more pleasant, it really does pay to cultivate your ability to spot the glimmers and enjoy them; even if it does take practice.I started recognising my glimmers after a while through my journalling practice.<h2 id="49a1">Journalling</h2>I’ve journaled for as long as I can remember; free-flowing journalling, guided journals and prompts; I cycle the type of journalling I do depending on what it is I need at the time. As a Personal trainer for many years, it was part of my method to encourage my clients to focus on what they felt they were doing well. Using journaling to help them recognise what they are enjoying and to commend themselves on at least one win a day, every day. This practice was extremely valuable in building confidence in themselves and their abilities. As a practice, it was an incredibly potent tool for helpi

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ng my clients to unlearn self-punishing habits. Something especially needed when the diet and fitness industry was quite often hell-bent on pointing out where people were going wrong or not doing enough. While it may be the perfect model to create repeat custom and reliance; it’s not such a great model for helping people to become holistically healthy across multiple levels.In my personal journalling, I began to notice common themes in my desires and goals. Where I had begun to think I was someone who didn’t know who they wanted, over time, as the goals and desires I had acquired to be loved and accepted fell away — they were replaced with ones that brought me deep joy and satisfaction.The common theme with them all was these were all things I had daydreamed, journaled, vision-boarded and consumed content on as a child growing up.— a desire to surf; to travel and experience other places and countries; to create a beautiful home and a loving family within it; gardening; writing and puzzles and the dream of having and doing up my very own campervan to travel with.I loved to get home after school and play outside. I watched The Home Show, Beechgrove Garden and Holiday religiously and dreamed up the ways I could create these beautiful spaces; explore foreign and domestic lands, and I’d create these journeys as make-pretends in my sketchbook.I know they were my desires because our house wasn’t decorated; Dad wouldn’t let anyone. We had a garden but not my ever-so-coveted water feature. I also recall drawing pictures of underground small spaces and villages and campervans to my heart's content. On weekends, I’d get mum to take me to the Holiday Agents so I could collect brochures to pore over and imagine we were getting to go on holiday — something else to go in my journals.<h2 id="b334">Soothing and Connecting With My Inner Child</h2>The fact I can indulge in and create these experiences in my life now; and the very fact I have been doing so before now, too; has had a multi-layered soothing effect on me. I am giving myself and that hurt, frightened inner child what she dreamt of.I am being what I need.Knowing this has made glimmers so much more valuable to me, as I have that light switch that goes on reminding me it’s safe for me to enjoy these things and that I deserve to. It’s also made it much easier to grasp the concept of loving the self in a way that doesn’t feel forced or inauthentic. Quite often, the tips you see out there for practising self-care can feel disingenuous and unenjoyable if you don’t feel connected to what you’re doing — which then kind of defeats the whole purpose if you feel put out by it.Try thinking of some things you used to love doing but haven’t done in years, or tell yourself you don’t have time for and do them. Do them and take stock of how you feel; as when you lack energy, quite often it’s not so much that you need to be doing less and more the need to do something that lights you up.I’d love you to give it a try.Amanda Jayne O’Hare is a personal growth and health writer, mentor and course creator in her own Amanda Jayne Thrives. Late recognised Autistic, she is mum to her daughter Ruby and she loves to travel, exercise in many forms, do puzzles and eat. You can sign up for the newsletter <a href="http://amandajaynethrives.gumroad.com/">here</a> to keep in the loop with musings, reflections and lessons.</article></body>

Growing Glimmers By Revisiting My Childhood Interests

I felt lost for the longest time until I realised how many of my current interests and desires are the very ones I held as a child

Photo by Pablo Pacheco on Unsplash

I think one of the toughest aspects of working through trauma and reconnecting with yourself is that quite often, it’s not incredibly clear where who you had to become ends and you begin.

Or is it the other way around?

I had such a tight and messy web of personas and interests I’d developed in the hope of being loved and accepted I just couldn’t see who I was at my core. Especially with not knowing I was autistic — masking and scripting are something I’ve always done without realising it. How have I come to be who I am and yet, feeling I know myself deeply, only to end up having to ask — how much of this is truly me? It felt just like a failure. How could I not know who I was?

Upon having many conversations with others, I quickly came to realise this wasn’t an experience unique to me, nor was it something exclusive to those of us who are autistic; though, the specifics of masking and scripting are.

Many years have passed since the beginning of my trauma healing journey and whilst I’m still very much on the lifelong journey of reconnecting with my sense of self — I am much clearer on who she is, what she likes and what she values. Only 4 to 5 short years ago I remember my heart sinking through the floor as I went to pick up my little girl from nursery and I couldn’t comprehend why this little human was crawling towards me, excited to see me.

The penny dropped.

I didn’t believe and failed to understand to see why anyone would be excited to see me; even my own daughter.

My own heart breaks for myself back then.

I thought I loved myself, but I realised I really didn’t and I had no idea how to either.

At this time, I had experienced postpartum depression, as a single mum from pregnancy; where I was sleeping 2–3 hours a night most nights from the emotional pain of asking for help from the remaining, able family I had as I navigated life as a new mum. I faced really nasty rejection and emotional abuse for doing so, the pain of which caused the savage levels of insomnia. I’d also lost both of my parents to alcohol addictions; mum only 2 years before I’d had my daughter and dad 15 years before that.

I had developed a deeply carved-in belief I wasn’t worth staying for.

Many years on and a lot of committed work to understanding myself and my experiences; now I’m in a safe enough place to tell these stories from a viewpoint which feels like I’m almost talking about another life.

In the first year of my daughter's life, I was going through huge periods of time where I experienced anhedonia — an inability to access feelings of joy — something which can be incredibly common with complex trauma. Sometimes, it just doesn’t feel safe to feel joy when you’re conditioned into waiting for the other shoe to drop, or when people weren’t happy for you when good things happened. Both of these experiences and reasons rang true for me.

The Healing Journey

When I had worked through triggers and lows, it came time to work through the fact that it was the good feelings and joy that could trigger me into self-sabotage or feelings of self-abandonment — subconsciously, I’d believe that if I was self-sufficient or doing well, maybe I would lose the support I had when I had been at my lowest. Maybe my friends and chosen family would leave.

This is where the term high functioning is such a problem — whether it be anxiety, depression, addiction or when addressing being autistic — to be high functioning is exclusively referencing how useful you are to capitalism.

It was a long time before I’d begin to feel safe leaving this feedback loop. I had to take time to develop the ability to ask for and receive help and also to be honest with myself about how I was feeling — something which, in a world where we’re encouraged to put a positive swing on everything is such a minefield when you’re trying to rewire your brain!

It took time and being able to communicate with those who became my chosen family that those were the experiences I was having and over time — that it was success and joy I was struggling with — and with gentle support plus doing my best to slow myself down when I feel scared, I am able to feel more joy, receive wonderful things and experiences and be viscerally grateful for what I do have.

It’s not perfect or unflawed and there are always new layers I’m to uncover, yet, yes — I can find more safety in joy and things going well than I ever have before. I can’t state enough how incredible that is because I honestly thought it might never happen for me.

Glimmers

Glimmers are the opposite of triggers. In the Oxford Dictionary Glimmers are defined as ‘a faint sign of a feeling or quality, especially a desirable one.’

By focussing on the glimmers you grow the amount of glimmers you can experience because if you pay conscious attention to them — it’s easier to recognise how many of them there are. In the same way if you focus on the negative, the more you see that too. Given that our brains have a negative bias — we’re more likely to focus on the negative as a survival mechanism, but we aren’t being chased by bears now, it’s emails and such giving us hell — it’s not your fault your brain defaults to negatives and potential threats and even more so if you experience trauma. However, to make life more pleasant, it really does pay to cultivate your ability to spot the glimmers and enjoy them; even if it does take practice.

I started recognising my glimmers after a while through my journalling practice.

Journalling

I’ve journaled for as long as I can remember; free-flowing journalling, guided journals and prompts; I cycle the type of journalling I do depending on what it is I need at the time. As a Personal trainer for many years, it was part of my method to encourage my clients to focus on what they felt they were doing well. Using journaling to help them recognise what they are enjoying and to commend themselves on at least one win a day, every day. This practice was extremely valuable in building confidence in themselves and their abilities. As a practice, it was an incredibly potent tool for helping my clients to unlearn self-punishing habits. Something especially needed when the diet and fitness industry was quite often hell-bent on pointing out where people were going wrong or not doing enough. While it may be the perfect model to create repeat custom and reliance; it’s not such a great model for helping people to become holistically healthy across multiple levels.

In my personal journalling, I began to notice common themes in my desires and goals. Where I had begun to think I was someone who didn’t know who they wanted, over time, as the goals and desires I had acquired to be loved and accepted fell away — they were replaced with ones that brought me deep joy and satisfaction.

The common theme with them all was these were all things I had daydreamed, journaled, vision-boarded and consumed content on as a child growing up.— a desire to surf; to travel and experience other places and countries; to create a beautiful home and a loving family within it; gardening; writing and puzzles and the dream of having and doing up my very own campervan to travel with.

I loved to get home after school and play outside. I watched The Home Show, Beechgrove Garden and Holiday religiously and dreamed up the ways I could create these beautiful spaces; explore foreign and domestic lands, and I’d create these journeys as make-pretends in my sketchbook.

I know they were my desires because our house wasn’t decorated; Dad wouldn’t let anyone. We had a garden but not my ever-so-coveted water feature. I also recall drawing pictures of underground small spaces and villages and campervans to my heart's content. On weekends, I’d get mum to take me to the Holiday Agents so I could collect brochures to pore over and imagine we were getting to go on holiday — something else to go in my journals.

Soothing and Connecting With My Inner Child

The fact I can indulge in and create these experiences in my life now; and the very fact I have been doing so before now, too; has had a multi-layered soothing effect on me. I am giving myself and that hurt, frightened inner child what she dreamt of.

I am being what I need.

Knowing this has made glimmers so much more valuable to me, as I have that light switch that goes on reminding me it’s safe for me to enjoy these things and that I deserve to. It’s also made it much easier to grasp the concept of loving the self in a way that doesn’t feel forced or inauthentic. Quite often, the tips you see out there for practising self-care can feel disingenuous and unenjoyable if you don’t feel connected to what you’re doing — which then kind of defeats the whole purpose if you feel put out by it.

Try thinking of some things you used to love doing but haven’t done in years, or tell yourself you don’t have time for and do them. Do them and take stock of how you feel; as when you lack energy, quite often it’s not so much that you need to be doing less and more the need to do something that lights you up.

I’d love you to give it a try.

Amanda Jayne O’Hare is a personal growth and health writer, mentor and course creator in her own Amanda Jayne Thrives. Late recognised Autistic, she is mum to her daughter Ruby and she loves to travel, exercise in many forms, do puzzles and eat. You can sign up for the newsletter here to keep in the loop with musings, reflections and lessons.