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rs.</p><p id="650c">Turtle complained that during your midnight skinny dipping he was both appalled and confused as to why you had to specify you were a tiger and were suffering from a case of shrinkage — contrary to your defense team’s assertion, this is not an official medical diagnosis with the side effects of uncontrollable animal mimicry (re: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85MZ4c1EWkM">The Hamptons, Seinfeld, S5e20</a>). He knows what a frightened turtle looks like, and that was no frightened turtle.</p><p id="652e">Bigfoot complained he witnessed you naked and growling at him in the woods in the early morning. He said you were ‘furry and confused.’ He also complained about not being able to finish his Iced Caramel Pumpkin Macchiato. He said it wouldn’t normally be an issue, but he had since used up all his Starbucks Stars.</p><p id="df12">Mr. and Mrs. Johnson at Lot 28 were not amused by your continued assertion that you were the new Tiger King. They are seeking reparations for undue pain and suffering. Mrs. Johnson said, “We were unable to show our faces at Riverside’s First Annual Trek Fest Captain Kirk Dog Show for all the ridicule we received after everyone saw the ‘Tiger’ stains on the hood of our 2008 Jeep Grand Cherokee. Our chihuahua Jake was mortified.”</p><p id="8a30">Iowa DNR could not have foreseen the need to post rules prohibiting the Lewd Mimicry of Wildlife. But because of you, we have to tell people they can’t be naked in the woods. Subsequently, you will be receiving a bill for expenses accrued in our defense in the Deprivation o

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f American Rights lawsuit filed by the International Democratic Ultranationalist Tactical Squad.</p><p id="f978">If you believe that this decision was reached in error, seek help.</p><p id="5391"><i>Huggable Harold — Still available for birthdays and stag parties; contact via IMDB.</i></p><div id="8993" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/next-nightmare-on-elm-street-will-not-star-ryan-reynolds-5e12832ae91e"> <div> <div> <h2>Next Nightmare on Elm Street Will Not Star Ryan Reynolds</h2> <div><h3>or Danny DeVito</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*AC872ukOEIg6WNsH)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="e50b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/kid-rocks-band-testicle-tanning-to-release-anti-bromeotherapy-country-rap-song-a1fc11bdd5e6"> <div> <div> <h2>Kid Rock’s Band ‘Testicle Tanning’ to Release Anti-Bromeotherapy Country-Rap Song</h2> <div><h3>About the whiteness of Tucker Carlson’s testicles</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*fKIgBzs2IBiUS1X-)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

FURRY GONE WILD

Nude Mimicry of Tigers Prohibited

There’s always someone to ruin it for everyone else

Photo by Marc-Olivier Jodoin on Unsplash

From: Huggable Harold To: Mr. H. Hooman Lot 26 National Forest Campsites xxx, Iowa re: Lewd Mimicry of Wildlife ruling cc:

A cease and desist order has been filed on behalf of Huggable Harold — former star of the mildly popular Food Network children’s show, Pimp my Breakfast with Huggable Harold. Pursuant to this order, this and all other National Forest Campsites and its affiliates in the continental United States are now off-limits. This includes the forfeiture of your Wildlife Lover Lifetime Camping pass.

This decision is a direct result of the court's ruling on Lewd Impersonation of Wildlife. These charges were based on allegations, including the following:

Raccoon complains your pants-less roaring scared him away from your cooler. YOU weren’t wearing pants — raccoons aren’t required to wear pants, contrary to your defense team’s assertions. Frankly, he saw more than any innocent raccoon should see. He is now unable to feed his family due to his aversion to coolers.

Turtle complained that during your midnight skinny dipping he was both appalled and confused as to why you had to specify you were a tiger and were suffering from a case of shrinkage — contrary to your defense team’s assertion, this is not an official medical diagnosis with the side effects of uncontrollable animal mimicry (re: The Hamptons, Seinfeld, S5e20). He knows what a frightened turtle looks like, and that was no frightened turtle.

Bigfoot complained he witnessed you naked and growling at him in the woods in the early morning. He said you were ‘furry and confused.’ He also complained about not being able to finish his Iced Caramel Pumpkin Macchiato. He said it wouldn’t normally be an issue, but he had since used up all his Starbucks Stars.

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson at Lot 28 were not amused by your continued assertion that you were the new Tiger King. They are seeking reparations for undue pain and suffering. Mrs. Johnson said, “We were unable to show our faces at Riverside’s First Annual Trek Fest Captain Kirk Dog Show for all the ridicule we received after everyone saw the ‘Tiger’ stains on the hood of our 2008 Jeep Grand Cherokee. Our chihuahua Jake was mortified.”

Iowa DNR could not have foreseen the need to post rules prohibiting the Lewd Mimicry of Wildlife. But because of you, we have to tell people they can’t be naked in the woods. Subsequently, you will be receiving a bill for expenses accrued in our defense in the Deprivation of American Rights lawsuit filed by the International Democratic Ultranationalist Tactical Squad.

If you believe that this decision was reached in error, seek help.

Huggable Harold — Still available for birthdays and stag parties; contact via IMDB.

Humor
Wildlife
Satire
Star Trek
Comedy
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