BROMANCE

Kid Rock’s Band ‘Testicle Tanning’ to Release Anti-Bromeotherapy Country-Rap Song

About the whiteness of Tucker Carlson’s testicles

It was three in the morning. Tucker Carlson woke from a fever dream where he was tied down with bowties as misunderstood billionaires pelted him with green M&Ms.

TuckTuck had difficulty falling back to sleep by his Tuck-in-Tucker Playlist when on the journey to deep sleep, Kid Rock took over the lead on ‘I’m Too Sexy.’

Tucker ran to the window and ripped open his red and gold satin curtains. There was Kid in a star-spangled sequined trench coat aiming a boom box worthy of Lloyd Dobler himself serenading the misunderstood trust fund rebel with his stirring rendition of ‘In Your Eyes,’ complete with fireworks and Joe Biden effigies.

Tucker awoke to find his Bromeotherapy testicle lamp had been destroyed. Noxious fumes from its prolonged use from atop the pile of bow ties he keeps atop his Lil’ Duce hope chest slowly filled the room. He ran into the hallway to see a fleeing sequined figure disappear down the stairs.

Tucker ran after the lumbering god of bro-rap-rock and stopped when he heard Kid sing the first verse of ‘Red, White, and Blue American Balls!’ as he ran off into the night.

Even though the reading on his testosterone meter was at an all-time low, Tucker wiped the rain from his glistening chest and went straight inside to his ‘My Big Boy Putin Desk’ and immediately began to construct his show for the next day — special guest Elon Musk, refuting the benefits of testicle tanning and how not to look desperate for friends.