Nobody Owes You an Orgasm!

Pleasure is not “give and take”, but something we create together.

Did you give her an orgasm? Did he give you an orgasm? I gave you an orgasm, now, give me one back!

The phrase ‘to give someone an orgasm’ is ubiquitous in our language. And even if I don’t like the sound of it, I still catch it slipping out of me every now and again. I oppose the phrase because orgasms are not something we give. An orgasm is neither a gift nor a service; it’s not a commodity.

Experiencing orgasms with a partner is not a transaction.

We don’t give an orgasm to get one back. It’s not tit for tat and we shouldn’t keep tabs. Pleasure is something we create together, and orgasms are collaborative endeavors, and as for any such undertaking, we must come to it with open minds and a willingness to communicate and share selflessly.

I’ve written about the orgasm gap, and I’ve shared stories about men who are selfish in bed because they cared only about their own pleasure. By divulging these stories, I’m not looking to place blame; I don’t feel cheated of an orgasm. The problem is never that I was not given what I deserved or that someone owed me something that I didn’t receive.

Nevertheless, we have an issue when one part of a collaborative ‘team’ is unwilling to communicate and play along. Our ‘project’ will fail when someone enters with a sense of entitlement rather than a willingness to co-create.

We can’t demand orgasms from our partners.

A conversation about orgasms with fellow writer Hermes Solenzol Ph.D. brought up this topic. He suggested that “the biggest obstacle to orgasm is anger.”

He further said that the vindictive approach to orgasm brought on by the concept of the “orgasm gap” gets it completely backward:

If you start having sex with the frame of mind that you are going to blame your partner if he doesn’t give you an orgasm, most likely you are not going to have one.

His point was that when orgasm is presented as something we should demand, we’re setting the stage for anger and blame, which in turn impedes pleasure.

We don’t want revenge—we want equality.

I agree; we can’t bring negative emotions like anger and blame to the table.

There’s a meme that’s been going through the social media sphere showing the picture of a statue of Medusa holding Perseus’ severed head with the text; “Be thankful that we only want equality and not payback.”

The image has been used in a feminist context to talk about how women, in general, are looking for equality and not revenge. This is the case when it comes to orgasms as well.

I emphasized, back to Hermes, that my stories and calls to action never come from a place of anger or resentment.

The orgasm gap is nevertheless real and is most prevalent in heterosexual relationships, where 95% of men compared to 65% of women usually or always orgasm during sex. This is a large discrepancy that needs to be addressed—but, I’m by no means suggesting that this task is solely up to men.

Perhaps with the exception of a female Domme and her slave in a BDSM play-setting, women, in general, are not looking to enslave men to demand back all the orgasms they’ve missed out on.

This is where the term ‘to give an orgasm’ is so damaging, because it insinuates that by giving something, we get less for ourselves.

Pleasure is multiplied when shared.

I believe that higher levels of sexual enjoyment for women equals more enjoyment for all. Women experiencing pleasure during sex, won’t take away from their partner's pleasure—it’s not a goddamn cake! Pleasure is not finite, but exponential; the more we give, the more we get.

I’ve seen the elation that arises in partners, and the shared bliss that comes from their willingness to tune into their partners’ bodies. I’ve seen what happens when men are able to fully awaken her; to have her divine self rise to the surface at his hands. This requires a pure and open mind from all parties involved.

Good sex is like a shared meal.

We should think of sex, less like an exchange, and more like a shared meal that we cook and eat together. If we prepare two separate dishes at either end of the kitchen, exchange plates and eat separately, it might still taste good, but the overall experience is far less enjoyable.

Instead, if we cook together and make this a part of the event in itself, where we perhaps share a glass of wine, chat, and flirt along the way, to then eat together as a team; and if becoming satiated is secondary to relishing every part of the meal, the ordeal becomes exponentially more enjoyable for all.

When we come together to cook and share, we don't’ want to bring with us any negative emotions or grudges. If we come with unreasonable expectations, demands, anger or resentment, we inhibit our ability to have a good time. Instead, we must leave all of that, including our shame, guilt, and inhibitions behind in order to take in the experience with an open mind.

When we approach it in this way, we will be more inclined to ask for help and advice when needed. We’ll naturally communicate more easily and be more open to trying new spices, ingredients, and techniques.

Let’s get cooking together!

Let’s abandon the notions of giving and taking when it comes to orgasms and let’s instead start to share pleasure. Only when we stop demanding and owing, and manage to leave negative emotions out of it are we able to fully relish the experience together.

It’s time to get cooking with more focus on the experience of creating the meal itself, rather than being so hung up on the desired outcome, or about who leaves the table more satisfied in the end. If we do, I believe that we’ll be able to find a whole new sense of enjoyment in the bedroom.