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eally count.</p><p id="7705"><b>It’s not like you even know me. </b>For all I know, your name isn’t Kenneth. It could be Pamela. Or John. You might be a 21-year-old, just wanting ‘an honest day’s pay for an honest day’s work’ at <b>some email spam centre</b> somewhere!</p><p id="2b3f">And while we are on it, can you let your mate Barry know that I’m not interested in dropping ‘7x’ this month?! I’m not sure exactly what he means by this. Perhaps ‘pop, lock and drop’ seven times? Or fall down x7 because it’s icy and winter? <b>(seven times is excessive, Barry!)</b></p><p id="cee9"><b>Or is it weight you mean, Barry? </b>Seven times more weight? That I’m dropping? If I click on ‘Barry’s magical link’ that will cure all my woes? I am quite happy with my weight, Barry. I don’t think it would be healthy for me to drop 7 times my weight anyway.</p><p id="b4eb" type="7">Just what kind of pseudo-psychedelic advice are you offering me??!</p><p id="6d2b">Really, Kenneth and Barry, do you think we feel so bad about ourselves that we will buy whatever you’re selling?! Get outta here!</p><p id="9a54">And while you’re getting out, you can tell Karen I don’t need to repair my vision. It’s simple aging. I can buy ten-dollar glasses that can help with my focus issues.</p><p id="96dc">And as for Peter. He thinks I have fungus!! What the actual?! I mean, I like mushrooms. They’re tasty, especially Chanterelles. Golden mushroomy goodness! In a cream sauce. Delicious! (PSA: if you have never eaten Chanterelles before, please try them once in your life.)</p><figure id="aae4"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*DT-jtmjw2vsSEpMC"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@ngrapp1?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Nick Grappone</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="15a9">But fungus? Do I look like I have fungus? (Okay, maybe don’t answer that!) And if I did happen to have some kind of fungus, probably on my feet because I forgot my shower shoes at home when I was doing my laps at the public pool, I would PROBABLY go to the local pharmacy and ask the (possibly) qualified person working there, “show me the way to the next whiskey bar…I mean, your fungal cre

Options

am.” And buy it. And apply it.</p><p id="56a9" type="7">Why on earth would I click your link?!</p><p id="274c"><b>What?! You thought I’d finished?!</b> Haha! So naive Kenneth! This is my chance! Because Jorge seems I need teeth whitening. No. Nope. Nah. Madison wants me to check out some hot person. Like warm? Burning? Not interested. Clark seems to think I want a drone. He just drones on and on and on….</p><p id="e3f7"><b>My unsolicited advice to you ALL is to find another job.</b> Maybe send me witty, funny emails to distract me from all the ‘important’ job ones. That’d be an idea!</p><p id="b194">Signed,</p><p id="c8f0"><i>Woman very happy with her post-baby body.</i></p><p id="c851">PS. Just let Sergei know that I’m not really interested in a woman, either. Unless he’s sending her around so we can have a drink and a chat about our post-baby bodies!</p><p id="4710"><i>Lisa is a writer and poet, cook and bottle washer, teacher and learner, mother and lover. She lives on an island in an archipelago in Finland. If you enjoyed this piece, you might also want to read this:</i></p><div id="f4be" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/once-upon-a-morning-cdf3e04dcad3"> <div> <div> <h2>Once Upon a Morning</h2> <div><h3>That one time….</h3></div> <div><p></p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*4C5TvoKOni1nbvnd)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="107a"><i>…and maybe even this one:</i></p><div id="53de" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/its-not-about-the-money-money-money-8974c85444bb"> <div> <div> <h2>It’s not about the money, money, money…</h2> <div><h3>Being creative and writing from the heart</h3></div> <div><p></p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*c-JEj16PXAOC1Wkt)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="bf2e"><b>Thanks for reading x</b></p></article></body>

No, Kenneth, I Don’t Want My Pre-Baby Body Back!

(Today I hit ‘reply’ to my spam-mail…)

And quite frankly, I’m offended you seem to think I need to!

I’m quite happy with my post-baby body, thank you very much. My body functions very well. Okay, I have a few aches and pains, I’m genetically predisposed to migraine, I’m recovering from a frozen shoulder, my knees make a grinding noise when I walk upstairs. But apart from that, my body is great!

My body functions (mostly) as it should. My body shows I have lived! I have freckles from my life growing up in the Australian sun (and genetics!). I have my grandmother’s toes (not her actual toes, obviously!). I have thick hair, thanks to my parents. I have quite large hands, nails that can never grow long (I’ve come to terms with that), and blonde downy facial hair.

Ballad of the Beard

Marking the March of Menopause

My body bears the scars of motherhood. My stretch marks show I grew a baby. Two actually, but I only got the huge claw-like marks with my first. (Even the doctor at my daughter’s birth expelled surprise at the huge tiger claw marks on my stomach!) Some ‘first baby’ right of passage thing, I think.

And I’m guessing you don’t have pregnancy stretch marks, Kenneth?! Unless you grew a beer belly as your wife grew her baby and you got sympathy stretch marks. That doesn’t really count.

It’s not like you even know me. For all I know, your name isn’t Kenneth. It could be Pamela. Or John. You might be a 21-year-old, just wanting ‘an honest day’s pay for an honest day’s work’ at some email spam centre somewhere!

And while we are on it, can you let your mate Barry know that I’m not interested in dropping ‘7x’ this month?! I’m not sure exactly what he means by this. Perhaps ‘pop, lock and drop’ seven times? Or fall down x7 because it’s icy and winter? (seven times is excessive, Barry!)

Or is it weight you mean, Barry? Seven times more weight? That I’m dropping? If I click on ‘Barry’s magical link’ that will cure all my woes? I am quite happy with my weight, Barry. I don’t think it would be healthy for me to drop 7 times my weight anyway.

Just what kind of pseudo-psychedelic advice are you offering me??!

Really, Kenneth and Barry, do you think we feel so bad about ourselves that we will buy whatever you’re selling?! Get outta here!

And while you’re getting out, you can tell Karen I don’t need to repair my vision. It’s simple aging. I can buy ten-dollar glasses that can help with my focus issues.

And as for Peter. He thinks I have fungus!! What the actual?! I mean, I like mushrooms. They’re tasty, especially Chanterelles. Golden mushroomy goodness! In a cream sauce. Delicious! (PSA: if you have never eaten Chanterelles before, please try them once in your life.)

But fungus? Do I look like I have fungus? (Okay, maybe don’t answer that!) And if I did happen to have some kind of fungus, probably on my feet because I forgot my shower shoes at home when I was doing my laps at the public pool, I would PROBABLY go to the local pharmacy and ask the (possibly) qualified person working there, “show me the way to the next whiskey bar…I mean, your fungal cream.” And buy it. And apply it.

Why on earth would I click your link?!

What?! You thought I’d finished?! Haha! So naive Kenneth! This is my chance! Because Jorge seems I need teeth whitening. No. Nope. Nah. Madison wants me to check out some hot person. Like warm? Burning? Not interested. Clark seems to think I want a drone. He just drones on and on and on….

My unsolicited advice to you ALL is to find another job. Maybe send me witty, funny emails to distract me from all the ‘important’ job ones. That’d be an idea!

Signed,

Woman very happy with her post-baby body.

PS. Just let Sergei know that I’m not really interested in a woman, either. Unless he’s sending her around so we can have a drink and a chat about our post-baby bodies!

Lisa is a writer and poet, cook and bottle washer, teacher and learner, mother and lover. She lives on an island in an archipelago in Finland. If you enjoyed this piece, you might also want to read this: