‘No. I Don’t Want a Gold Star or a Cookie for Being a Woman Who’s Only Surviving.’

Diving deeper into why I might be burnt out on being alone, single, and independent.

I remember my mother coming home every day from work and pushing through the rest of the day because she knew she had a daughter who needed her time and attention.

I also remember crying myself to sleep when I hadn’t seen my mother all day and would only get a chance to see her when she would take me to school. My mother has always been like the sister I never had and the friend I wish I could be.

I wrote about being tired of being an independent woman, which is my most-read article yet. But I should have dived deeper into what I meant.

In today’s time, most of us are struggling alone. We work two or three jobs not because we have a family to raise but because money is more scarce. The dollar equals almost nothing, and a penny may be a coin we overlook and throw away because it has no value to modern society.

Growing up, I never heard the word no or budget. It was either, “You will get it later this week,” or “Here’s the money for X, Y, and Z.”

I know you may think, “Most kids didn’t hear those words because parents didn’t want their children to be concerned about money issues. So, your mother sacrificed so you could have everything you needed and wanted.”

I agree that she sacrificed an incredible amount of things (time, energy, health, money, and youth) to give me a childhood filled with everything my heart desired. But what I find strange about my mother at the same age that I am now, which is 33, is that even though she worked two to three jobs, it didn’t seem like she was struggling as much as I am now — and she had a child to raise.

Now, you may say that she was making more money than I am now, and maybe that was the reason that her struggle didn’t seem as hard as mine. Or perhaps it was because even though she was a single mother, she had a support system consisting of my grandparents and my uncles (her siblings).

My mother had a team of babysitters, investors, and personal chefs in her corner when it came to raising me. It honestly took a village to raise me.

Overall, she was a single mother with a close-knit support system. That is why my mother didn’t have to work paycheck to paycheck, put items on layaway, or wait months or even years to get dental work done because my mother worked two to three jobs, but she didn’t have to worry about tomorrow. My mother lived in the moment — so she didn’t save money.

If my mother didn’t teach me anything about money, she did teach me how to spend it. We ate out almost every day. She was buying me gifts practically every week. Christmases were at least a dozen gifts under the tree every year — just for me— even through my early adulthood. It wasn’t anything that I couldn’t have because of lack of money.

My mother didn’t learn how to budget money until I was an adult, and she was in her late 40s.

She started telling me to live like I didn’t have anything to my name — which I didn’t, but basically, she was telling me to act like I didn’t have anything extra to put toward unnecessary things. I didn’t listen because I was living with my mother and didn’t have to pay all the bills at the time. So, instead of saving, I just did what I was used to doing, which was spending because I never had to be on a budget, so why start now?

My mother learned how to coupon once she understood how to save money by budgeting.

She could go into a store and get $60 worth of toiletries and laundry soap and only spend $5. It was remarkable that she could save so much money by using specific steps when she would go into the store, but I never liked shopping — whether it was clothes, groceries, or necessities for the house. That’s why I am now an overweight woman who wears bleached stained clothing, who looks like a bum who cleans houses for food.

So, when my mother would want me to go to the store to see how she could save so much on couponing, I never wanted to go because she was saving our household money. It wouldn’t have made a difference if I had learned how to coupon because I was only spending money on house bills, fast food, makeup, and electronics.

When my mother died of a shocking death in 2021, I was lost as hell. I had to ask my family to help me get through the first year of bills because I didn’t have any savings, and my job at the time barely gave me any hours. I was thankful for my mother’s life insurance, which helped me to pay everyone who helped me in my time of need. But what I had to learn very quickly was how to survive on my own — at age 31.

My mother and I always had each other’s back.

I applied for over 250 jobs when I graduated college but didn’t have a job for almost six months after graduation. My mother told me as long as I was trying to get my life on track, she would hold down the financial strain of the household.

When my mother became disabled, I told her that I would take on more of the financial responsibilities because she couldn’t be a workaholic like she wanted to be.

The pickle jar of 2020 made me consider saving money because I knew that even though I was an essential worker at the time, my working days for the company were numbered.

Ironically, my position ceased to exist about four months into the pastrami. I didn’t have a job for about nine months, but I had a little savings that helped me and my mother buy food and pay bills.

The point I’m trying to make is that I think I am the reason why being alone, single, and independent hasn’t worked out for me.

I think why I am struggling, is because

1. The economy has changed — drastically. We are in the middle of an inflation, yet our wages have not increased.
2. I didn’t listen to my mother about anything about money until I feared that I would have to change my lifestyle.
3. I’m horrible at managing money and living like I don’t need to budget. I’m still living in the moment — just like my mother did most of my life.
4. I have always helped my mother in some way financially, but I was in my 30s when I took on everything. So, I still make mistakes and choices, as if I left home at 18.

I do work two jobs — 7 days a week. I pay all my own bills. I was blessed to get my mother’s house (on which I still have a mortgage) and a car (which is the first time I have ever had a car payment), but I am not bragging or wanting a golden star or cookie for being a woman who is surviving in this world. There is nothing special about being able to pay bills on your own. It’s a part of life that we will all do — until the day we die.

However, I still have difficulty adjusting to life alone because my household went from four to one within the last three years.

Between grieving, dealing with a new normal, and being on my own for the first time in my life, I believe I’m just surviving — not thriving as I should. I haven’t even used my degree since graduating because I think I got too comfortable always knowing I would have people in my corner. Plus, getting a job making $50,000 or more a year is easier said than done.

But now, since it really is just me, myself, and I, I know I need to make some drastic changes to feel more secure in my life — as a single woman.

I can’t even get my teeth cleaned or fixed because I don’t have a job with benefits. Hell! I don’t even get PTO or sick days. Why am I just working for a paycheck?

I’m used to always having money to buy crap — but when you have to work two jobs just to pay for the necessities in your life, you either pay your bills or live in your car.

I’m trying to have my cake and eat it, too; I’m either going to be responsible or always regretful.

Recently, I realized that my priorities never really changed — even after my mother passed away — because when I do have extra money, I don’t think to save it or use it for the things I need to do, such as my teeth. I use everything extra to try to maintain the life I had a few years ago.

Damn! Is my priorities that messed up?!

Or is it that the trauma of my mother’s death is what I refuse to move pass, so I live like I have assistance even though I am sinking my own ship?

I need a better job — more like a new career — with better wages and benefits. But I also have to face the reality that even if I am blessed to make 10x more money, if I can’t manage my money or learn a new way to look at my finances, I will always stay in this rut as a woman who is just surviving — and never thriving.

— Teri Nickels

What are your thoughts? And if you haven’t yet, you should subscribe to my new publication, The Straight Shot.