‘I’m Burned Out. I’m Tired of Being an Independent Woman.’
We need to stop lying to ourselves about this independent woman crap!
About a year ago, I had a very interesting conversation with a guy friend who had been liking me since college. It was such a remarkable discussion that I was speechless and wanted to change the subject — because I had no legitimate comeback for my friend.
Like, the scenario would work in another lifetime — because in this lifetime, I’m too set in my ways — and more specifically, I have been conditioned by generations of women to strive for the independent woman persona.
But the conversation was the following:
Teri: Man, I wish I could get my teeth fixed. I went to the dentist just to have a cry session in the parking lot because I can’t afford decent dental care. I got x-rays done, and with my cavities, cleaning, and must-needed bridge, I can see why women strip for a living. But unfortunately, I don’t have the body for that. *Laughing uncomfortably*
Friend: How much was everything?
Teri: Enough that I would have to get another full-time job to afford everything. It was $15,000.
Friend: Teri, how much do you make in a year?
Teri: Roughly $XX,XXX (an amount that is below the average cost of living in Texas, which is $45,114)
Friend: Well, what if we were in a relationship and I moved in with you? I make at least the same amount as you. You wouldn’t have to get another job. You wouldn’t have to pay your monthly bills by yourself, and I could pay for you to get your teeth fixed so you will be happy with your smile.
Teri: I don’t want to live with anyone and don’t want a relationship right now.
Friend: You just don’t want a relationship with me.
Teri: I don’t care if you were my celebrity crush, LaKeith Stanfield; I don’t want to deal with a man in my life right now. Period.
This is the friend I haven’t heard from since April of this year.
But I must admit something to you. Thinking back and considering how I view life now, he made a tempting offer. A man and woman coming together to give each other ease through this thing called life? If only it were that simple.
But I have to admit something else. I am tired of being this so-called independent woman persona.
How can we be happily single if some of us are struggling to pay our bills, save money, provide self-care, take care of our children, and working to the point that we are developing silent killing diseases that can put us in an early grave or have us depending on someone who may not be our husband or relatives as we grow older?
Life doesn’t guarantee us a happily ever after with our version of Prince Charming, but were women supposed to live like this?!
Women are not built to work like men. We aren’t built for this independent lifestyle. You shouldn’t be working like a two-income household when it’s only you.
My mom was a single mother who worked three jobs to support me and herself. My mother developed various health conditions due to overworking herself for the majority of my life.
My mother couldn’t even prioritize her health because she had to work like two whole adults. And even when she became disabled, my mother was still trying to work part-time because bills never stopped coming in.
My mother continuously stated that she did not want me to be like her, yet it was embedded in me to live as an independent woman.
We need to put our pride aside and admit that some of us who state that we are independent are just fortunate enough to have money, a top-dollar job, a stubbornness to our personality, or traumatized by past relationships.
I’m feeling the reality of this single and happy persona. I think it's only beneficial when you don’t have to be a slave to your jobs — with an S. Because I’m single, but happy wouldn’t be the right word to explain me; I’m single, stressing and struggling, which could lead me to be sickly — like my mother.
Yes. I can admit that I was fed this idea that women are better off alone than with a man by their side. I can also admit that my mother wanted me to earn a degree to stand on my own two feet — without a man. But how far has this twisted concept gotten me in my 33 years of living?
I am now tired, have deep-rooted trust issues, overworked, overweight, poor, frustrated, regretful, and destined to be a cat lady just based on mindset alone.
But don’t get me wrong. There are some perks to being single, like not having the additional stress and concern of a man disrespecting or mistreating me under my roof. And when I want my alone time (as an introverted soul), every part of my house is my woman cave.
Oh! And my favorite! I don’t have to check in or be worried about saying or doing the wrong things because I’m not just a reflection of myself but my man. But I wasn’t prepared for the consequences of the single life.
I wasn’t prepared for the possibility of having to work two or three jobs without children. Or not having money to travel or for health matters, such as my dental care.
Or the fact that now I am mentally and emotionally invested in the embedded idea that men only bring problems and not peace into every woman’s life, which has led me to be physically drained from multiple jobs because I’m not supposed to depend on my counterparts for anything — especially love and support.
I never said — out of my own mouth — that I don’t need a man. That’s just been the story of my life, which I feel like now has been this sick and twisted way to keep us from thriving together, as men and women, in a broken system. Is this the reason there is a division between men and women?
But the potential abuse, cheating, lies, inconsistencies, and lack of accountability make me not want a romantic partner. But I may consider a workaholic roommate who gives me this illusion that I’m single, happy, and striving for a life filled with more than endless bills, stress, and struggles.
— Teri Nickels
What are your thoughts?
By the way, this is my follow-up article: