Boring Comedy

New Medium Publications That Will Change The World

New Medium Publications: Part III

After last week's success showcasing some of Medium’s boldest publications, here’s another assortment of essential mags and rags.

E. Coli — Medical Horror Stories

A speciality publication for doctors to write about the time they amputated the wrong arm or leg. Or re-attached someone’s aorta to his windpipe by accident so that the patient was spitting blood for hours before drowning in their own plasma.

E. Coli will expose the truth of when patients were fed intravenous laxatives simply so their doctors could see the look on their faces when they shat themselves in front of their relatives.

Or the time a doctor injected adrenaline into a guy’s balls while he was asleep to see if it gave him a hard-on.

If you were party to any of these, and enjoyed them, E. Coli is the place.

Star Bores — Star Wars Explained (Again)

A new publication for fans of that dull sci-fi soap opera Star Wars who can’t have a normal conversation without mentioning Darth Vader.

You know the sort.

You’re having a dinner party discussing Dostoevsky (as you do), when your sister’s Star Wars obsessed husband tells everyone that Darth Vader is in fact the reincarnation of Father Zosima from The Brothers Karamazov.

‘And how would that happen?’ I ask, ‘seeing as both are fictional characters. One dreamed up by a tortured Russian novelist in the 19th century. The other, by a coked-up Hollywood film director with a cartoon beard.’

‘Darth Vader is real,’ my brother-in-law would insist. ‘And so is Luke Skywalker.’ Then tell a story about how Mark Hamill drinks in his local bar dressed up as Chewbacca so no one notices him.

This is when I have to batter my relative to death with a plastic lightsabre to stop him speaking — ever again.

BALL DEEP — Because Infidelity Is Hard

This is a place for all those lies partners tell one another when they’re caught having an affair. Like the time your girlfriend caught you ball deep in her best friend, and the only excuse you could offer was: ‘It’s not what it seems.’

Or the time you found your wife with your boss in your own home, only for him to fire you for serious misconduct:

‘An employee should never see his employer’s erect cock dripping with semen under ANY circumstances. You’re fired — get out, of your own bedroom!’

We want to hear about these hilarious anecdotes when after 20 years of happy marriage, couples finally throw the towel in and shag the cleaner.

Brown Fingered — Time To Get Dirty

At last, a decent gardening publication. And I bet you thought it was a dirty porn mag — no such luck.

This is a publication I won’t be contributing to though, as I think gardening is pointless.

— ‘How about a lovely hike in the hills in breathtaking scenery?’

— ‘Er, no. I’d rather do some gardening.’

Why? What’s the point in planting stuff that’s probably going to die anyway. And why not go to the store if you want vegetables — they’ve got loads! Or take up a more interesting hobby like drinking petrol.

Saying that, millions enjoy gardening, so stay Brown Fingered.

P.S. If you’re about to leave a snide comment saying that the phrase is Green Fingered and not Brown Fingered, then listen here: have you ever seen a person with green fingers when they’ve been digging in mud…

Alcoholics Versus Anonymous

Getting bored with all those tedious AA meetings? But looking for a place to connect with other drunks as you attempt to stitch your wretched life back together.

This could be the place where you finally realize that every building isn’t a bar. That you don’t always need to be holding a bottle. And that there are nice things in the world like cinemas, mountains and oceans. Plus people who don’t always want a fight.

At Alcoholics Versus Anonymous, we’ll tell you just how fucked up you’ve become, and how far you’ll fall if you don’t pull your self together. And instead of a huge bar bill at the end of the night, all you get is a load of claps and comments.

Cheers!

That concludes this week’s edition of New Medium Publications. If you want to write for any of these, write: I NEED ALCOHOL in the comments box, and you’ll get a free gift equal to your monthly Medium earnings — so almost nothing.