New Medium Features

New Medium News: Boosting Program Now Has Five Levels

Taking your crappy writing into the stratosphere and beyond!

New guidelines issued today by Medium Head Honcho, Joe Biden, confirm what most writers have been hoping for. An overhaul to the boosting system.

The Boosting Program introduced earlier this year to replace the ‘Chosen For Further Distribution Scheme’ that no one understood, has been criticized by writers for being too conservative.

They don’t just want the chance to win a tenner, they want the chance to win BIG. They want to get rich!

With Medium’s new BOOSTED SKY SYSTEM everyone’s a winner.

Level One — Troposphere

Articles entering the Troposphere, the lowest level, will simply be given the same level of distribution as normal (i.e. nothing).

EXCEPT each piece will have a small plane icon attached to it to indicate that the writer has met the basics, and has managed to spell their name correctly. Well done!

Level Two — Stratosphere

Articles reaching the Stratosphere cause your followers to receive an email with the subject heading

YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE PLEASE — READ THIS EMAIL!

In a state of panic that their internet connection might be fried — or they might lose their belongings and family — they frantically open the email that redirects them to your homepage.

Here, an annoying flashing icon in the shape of Satan won’t let them shut down their computer until they’ve read your entire back catalogue from start to finish.

Level Three — Mesosphere

In the Mesosphere, you’ll become Tim Denning for one whole month. All your posts will be shifted to his account, and all his posts will be deleted.

People logging on will just assume they are reading Tim’s material. And because Tim gets more views than anyone in the known universe — it says so on his profile page — you can just sit back and see the money roll in.

Level Four — Thermosphere

This is where your piece leaves the cosy world of Medium and enters the real world.

Pieces selected for the Thermosphere, will feature on the front pages of all the major news networks and newspapers. Readers and viewers will only be able to remove them by paying you $100 using your tip jar (remember that?).

Once they’ve paid, their screens will be unlocked and viewers can continue watching Tucker Carlson on whatever network that can afford him.

Level Five — Exosphere

If you reach the breathless summit of the Exosphere, you know you’ve hit the big time. This is the equivalent of the multiple week rollover lottery win.

If your piece is selected for Exosphere status, your piece will block every social media site in the world. And like the Thermosphere, in order for users to remove it, a payment ($10,000 minimum this time) will be required.

Given that there are five billion social media addicts worldwide, not only will this make you the richest person in the world many times over. But cause economic meltdown when it’s realized one person owns two-thirds of the world’s wealth. And in doing so, control the fate of humanity.

And if that isn’t an incentive to write, I don’t know what is.

Thanks for reading. And if nothing else, at least you’ve learned the five parts of the Earth’s atmosphere — Well done! For more important Medium news, see below.

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