Boosted or die

Five Hundred Ways To Get Boosted On Medium You Never Thought Of!

Because you’re an idiot!

So you’ve been writing on Medium for three years, when you receive an email from Medium HQ.

Dear Writer,

Thanks for writing on Medium for four years for free. Your story “My Pet Lamb and Other Animals” was shortlisted for boosting, but fell short when the sentences became too long and boring.

Remember to keep your writing Simple, Short and Spaced — The Three S’s

The Medium Team

#1 — SIMPLE

Write so a child can understand it.

With technology available to all these days — even babies — it goes without saying that we should all be writing for the lowest common denominator. Write so your toddler will understand it. Even if he can’t read.

Go for that level!

And keep it short.

#2 — SHORT

But not just short. Cornflake-box short.

Imagine you’re a child again. You come down to breakfast to munch on your diabetes-inducing Cheerios, and to cheer you up before school, there’s a half amusing story on the back of the packet.

This is what writers should be aiming for.

And keep it spaced.

#3 — SPACED

There’s nothing more people hate these days than a dense piece of writing devoid of fresh air.

Thomas Mann may have written paragraphs that sprawled over two pages.

But you don’t need to.

You’re not a literary giant. You’re a 21st century content writer. You’re a no one. Keep that in mind at all times.

Don’t be flash, and think you can interest readers with long paragraphs that people will have forgotten what they were reading before they reach the end.

Be sensible. Be practical. Don’t be an idiot. You’re not Steinbeck. You’re not Virginia Wolf.

You’re a content writer. It says it above.

#4 ENTERTAIN

There’s little to look forward to these days. We’re walking blindly into World War III, everything’s expensive, and it’s getting hotter and colder and wetter all at the same time (which is weird).

We need to be entertained. We don’t want pieces on death, destruction, famine, and war. Write how your cat found its way home. Write comedy. Write nonsense. Write what’s in your head.

Trust me. I’ve been doing this all my life. And are people laughing?

No.

But at least I don’t write poetry.

#5 —DON’T WRITE POETRY

If the likes of Byron, Shelley, Keats, Milton, Wordsworth, and Chaucer had had access to Medium, they would have got boosted every week. They would be the Dennings, the Wildfires, the Haques, the Keenans, and the Rahcuefs. They would have cleaned up.

But not now.

If John Keats had been writing on here today, his profile would look like this.

Do YOU want to look like that, and die in Rome at twenty-five! Do you! Do you!

No.

You wanna get boosted right! You want to get loaded! So stay clear of poetry and keep it simple!

SIMPLE — SHORT — SPACED

(NOTE: Three days after publication this story still hasn’t been boosted — I don’t know why.)

Thanks for reading. Numbers 6 to 500 ways to be boosted will follow next week. In the meantime

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