Punctuation Hellhole

Be a Better Writer — Avoid Punctuation

New advice on how to be a genius

Punctuation is one of the first writing skills we learn. And yet by the time we leave school, we can’t even use a COMMA,

So here’s a brief recap.

When you get to the end of what you want to say, add a FULL STOP. When you want to have a breath before you get to the end of what you want to say, add a COMMA. When you want to know something, add a QUESTION MARK?

Most writers (including myself) get this wrong. We add a question mark after everything? Which is OK, as who needs rules?

wouldyouunderstandifiwrotelikethisallthetimewouldyoubeabletounderstandwoulditimpedeyourenjoymentofmypiecesiftherewasanyenjoymentinthefirstplace

Try writing a piece without pressing the space bar. It’s almost impossible. Almost as impossible as not inserting exclamation marks!

I love doing this! And would do it more! If Editors let me and didn’t tell me: Possible overuse of exclamation marks!!!

IDIOTS!

Another thing they hate is the ellipsis, or for the duds among you here, that’s three dots

…

… Apparently, it’s considered lazy to use them especially when trailing off in thought…

…because you don’t have anything else to say. But that’s garbage, I’ve always got something…

So instead, editors insist on an Em — Dash.

Which is stupid.

Em — Dash for me is a bracket (parenthesis) and I use them by trial (and error). Sometimes — if I’m feeling really clever — I might use a [square bracket] which impresses readers as it looks like I went to Harvard.

Especially if I add a colon: mid-sentence. That looks like I really understand modern literature even if I don’t know what a semicolon is;

Which is why I don’t use them. For the simple fact that a fullstop can be used in its place. If I see semicolons in people’s work, I just delete the entire piece and send it back to them with a note. DON’T TRY TO BE CLEVER, JERK!;

The next piece I receive from them is free of any punctuation whatsoever which is fun to read so I generally give them top marks and a gold star

Finally, there’s-the-hyphen-that-joins-two-words together to make a new word like jerk-hole, sick-o, and butt-head.

Conclusion

Punctuation is for losers and self_help guides.

;

Thanks for reading (and to Ann James for the prompt). For more punctuation, see…

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