GET RID OF THAT SPARE SATIRE

New Diet Craze

Mmmm — poverty

Need to lose weight?

Have you tried poverty? Now you can. Here’s a new diet plan with a proven track record in Africa, India, and even right here in America! Fuck Keto. Fuck Paleo.

This diet breakthrough takes fasting, bulimia, and smoking to the next level.

You can trust it because it was designed especially for you by politicians, the same people who brought you their innovative aisle-crossing new gun control law: More guns!

Unlike just straight ‘eating healthy,’ it literally costs nothing. Think of all the other things you will be able to afford. You can take up smoking again and have more money to spend on caffeine, both of which have been proven to curb appetite and burn the fat right off you.

Along with a healthy regimen of denial, you will be well on your way to that skeletal figure that’s always trending.

Just continue to vote against your own well-being and commit to spending more money than you have. Before you know it, you will enjoy that Hot Poverty Body you never knew you wanted until now.

But don’t take the politicians’ word for it. Listen to some of our most successful customers —

“I’ve tried everything else — When you run out of money, you can’t buy food — I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it before!” — Toby, your dad’s friend — until your dad refused to lend him money to save his house

“I’ve never felt hungrier.” — Joe from under the bridge

I used to be fat, but then I lost my job and all my money goes toward paying off all my credit cards and lottery scratch tickets— now I’m thin! THANKS, POVERTY! — Random guy in the unemployment line

More? Click here to get the new shit.