Narcissists Abused Me for 26 Years; Now 9 Empowering Truths Inspire Me

#3. Healthy relationships are our birthright.

Nine months since my therapist helped me identify narcissists in my birth family, I still believe I’m not good enough for healthy relationships. Lingering trauma clouds my sense of hope for getting what I want in life. Am I too riddled with internal damage to be valuable?

No, I’m not. But abusers who do not experience empathy or remorse convinced me I’m the problem. Every day I pour my energy into disarming the shame they soaked me in for decades.

Despite pouring myself into healing, i.e., support groups, therapy, mindfulness practices, self-care, somatic processing, emotional abuse research, I carry shame. I feel ashamed for being abused, accepting demeaning treatment, sleeping with toxic people, not listening to my intuition, feeling lonely, and numbing my emotions.

My anger moves me forward, even when it feels like I’m falling behind.

Narcissist abuse experts ground my foggy perspective in reality. Books like “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare” by Shahida Arabi, “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists” by Eleanor Payson, and “The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist” by Debbie Mirza inspire me. Abuse survivor coaches like Lara Novack and Bethany Dotson encourage me to feel through the pain, listen to my body, and reconnect with my intuition.

“The abuser is the person who is not enough. Only a dysfunctional person would deliberately harm another. You’re already whole and perfect in your own imperfect ways.” — Arabi.

Healing from narcissistic abuse often feels confusing, overwhelming, and downright unfair. I hate that people I loved and depended on damaged my self-worth from day one, priming me for toxic relationships. I’m tired of cleaning up the mess they made.

But I believe our crisis fuels transformation. The abusers chose you because they see you as valuable, an energy source. As humans with empathy, we have choices, agency, and hope for a better life. The damage is not permanent, and you are much stronger than you realize. These nine empowering truths undermine victim-shaming, validate our experience, and give us hope.

1. It was not your fault.

If you’re like me, you habitually blame yourself when things go wrong. I used to wonder: Am I so pathetic that I attract people who want to use me? Am I really that weak? I felt like I should have “seen it coming.” But you can’t know anything until you know it.

Narcissists excel at showing us a false image. They charm, confuse, and manipulate us into believing they’re our “soul mates.” Regardless of our imperfections, we are never responsible for others’ abusive behaviors.

2. Love will not inspire the abuser to change.

As empathetic humans, we want to believe that we can help narcissists. We love these people; maybe they don’t understand how much their behaviors hurt us.

I tried using open communication, “safe space” rules, and empathy exercises to improve my relationship with narcissists. When I bravely shared my emotional pain, they gaslighted my reality, belittled my feelings, and confused me with hugs and weak intentions to “work on the relationship.”

Abusers are unhealthy people. They will not validate the reality of the abuse. Creating distance from the abuser is always the right choice. Narcissists are unwilling to get help. Trying to save them only enables the abuse.

3. Healthy relationships are our birthright.

Maybe like me, you’ve experienced numerous toxic relationships with narcissists and other emotionally unhealthy people. Several decades into your life, you might feel like that’s all there is.

I worry that I’m so whacked-out and full of triggers I’ll never experience the comfort and normalcy of family again. Will I always feel suspicious and uncertain about everything and everyone?

But we are worthy of healthy, safe, and respectful relationships. We have the right to pursue people worthy of our time and energy. It’s our right to express our emotions without ridicule or threat of violence. Every human with empathy deserves healthy relationships.

4. You are not damaged goods.

Having experienced insidious abuse for nearly my entire life, I learned to judge, question, and dismiss my value. In the past, when someone treated me poorly, i.e., not cuddling with me after sex, I questioned my worth. Am I just not the kind of woman worthy of emotional investment?

Even recently, I struggled to pursue a relationship because I felt too damaged to be worthy of their time. But the way others treat or respond to us has nothing to do with our value.

We deserve compassion. There is nothing wrong with us, and so much right. We deserve better, to be consistently cherished and appreciated. Our healing journey is not impossible. We are healers, warriors, survivors, and thrivers.

5. Don’t underestimate the struggle of leaving.

After breaking up then hooking up with my narcissist ex-boyfriend seven times, I felt utterly humiliated. Who does this? What’s wrong with me?

Don’t let anyone belittle your experience. Psychological factors make it difficult to leave abusive relationships, i.e., trauma bonds. Biochemical bonds can make us addicted to the highs and lows, sweet talk and apologies.

“Studies have proven that trauma produces changes in the brain. We can be subconsciously programmed to reenact our childhood wounding. Stockholm syndrome can tether you to your abusers in order to survive.” — Arabi.

Multiple other factors reduce our motivation to leave, i.e., financial dependence, fear of retaliation, increased isolation, diminished self-worth, feelings of helplessness. Don’t blame yourself — or let anyone else shame you — for not walking away sooner.

6. Emotional abuse impacts are often worse than physical abuse.

Emotional abuse damages our self-esteem and long-term mental health (Guy Winch, psychologist). We developed unhelpful coping mechanisms—i.e., codependency, people-pleasing, perfectionism—because our bodies function well. Emotional trauma is a normal response to an abnormal situation.

Since childhood, I developed destructive compulsive behaviors, i.e., eating way too much sugar, binge TV watching, drinking excessive alcohol, using sex to feel valuable, and even cutting myself to validate pain. But on multiple occasions when I shared the emotional abuse, people belittled my experience. “I mean, did anyone touch you? Sexually abuse you?”

Victims deserve far more validation than we give them. Suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem, chronic anger, escape mechanisms, and excessive self-blame are common for narcissist abuse victims. We need to start validating others’ experiences, appreciating sensitivity, and understanding the complex impact of emotional trauma.

7. Forgiving narcissists is optional; forgiving yourself isn’t.

Along with feeling angry towards my abusers, I hate that I hurt myself. I poured so much energy into proving my lovability to appease toxic people. I pushed myself to have the perfect body, pursued harmony over authenticity, and put others’ needs before my own.

But forgiving myself increases self-trust. Bit by bit, I’m letting go of old beliefs and committing to healthier behavior patterns.

We don’t have to forgive narcissists for healing, but we do need to forgive ourselves. We can acknowledge, write out, and share ways we hurt ourselves or others. By owning it, forgiving ourselves, and determining our needs, we can heal.

8. You are not the crazy one; the abuser is.

Gaslighting makes you believe you might actually be crazy. They made your strengths look like weaknesses and ridiculed your values. Narcissists are disordered individuals, showing brain abnormalities around compassion and empathy. They are the unstable ones.

I doubted myself a lot after the discovery. Do I really understand narcissism well enough? Am I just too emotional and weak?

These feelings are incredibly common for victims. The truth is, you are a whole person who was seeking a good relationship. You are the stable, healthy, and beautiful one. Not the abuser.

Victims are highly energetic, empathetic, loving, intelligent, strong, intuitive, and passionate people—shared Debbie Mirza. Narcissists didn’t choose you because you are pathetic or weak; they used you because you have so much to offer.

9. It wasn’t a waste of time.

Having spent nearly my entire life under the illusion that I’m “not enough,” seeing the bright side feels challenging. I have to keep validating my experience and acknowledging the incredible strength I’m developing.

“There is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself.” —Hannah Gadsby.

Like many others, we can channel our crisis into transformation. There’s nothing wrong with us and so much right with us.

When we untangle the lies, we start to see ourselves more clearly. We set more solid boundaries and use our time more wisely. We feel confident walking away from people who don’t respect us or our needs.

We use this horrid experience to gain new knowledge, resources, and networks. Now my anger fuels a more expansive, thriving lifestyle.

Closing thoughts

There’s no one right way to heal from narcissistic abuse. Though I’ve made many affirmative steps, I still get depressed and feel like I’m sometimes digressing. In the last few weeks, I got writer’s block, my productivity dropped, the local ice cream shop seduced me repeatedly, and I watched nearly four seasons of a depressing TV show.

As my fantastic survivor life coach said, “You must be processing something.” She was right. After accepting my anxiety and loneliness, I’ve been unraveling some deep-rooted negative beliefs about myself. Trusting the process, I again feel a sense of freedom and clarity. I continue prioritizing my needs and listening to my body.

Writing my feelings, experiences, and learnings validates my journey. I am well-resourced with knowledge, support groups, greater self-awareness, and newfound wisdom. I will keep setting firm boundaries, healing codependency patterns, and pursuing healthy relationships.

Trust the process even when it feels like you’re moving backward. Try different forms of healing and find joy in your goals and desires. We all deserve gentle compassion, even in our darkest moments.

“As you heal, you help heal the world,” — Melody Beattie.

I write inspiring, uplifting, and empowering content on transformative topics. Join the Weekly Love News on my website to receive creative offerings each week (Tuesdays) in your email inbox.