Narcissistic Obsession: Is It Love? Or Is It Something Else?
The truth behind their desperate pursuits.
It never surprises me when one of my clients reveals they have a narcissistic partner. The pattern sticks. A lot of them come from narcissistic parents. That’s what I do after all. I help people break the cycle with the narcissists in their lives.
But it does beg the question…why do so many of these good-hearted people fall for these narcissists in the first place? They leave chaotic homes and step out into the world only to fall prey to the same chaos again (in a different body). Why? Surely they would avoid narcissism at all costs after being roundly abused by narcissists in childhood?
It’s not that easy. Especially when one of these well-meaning people becomes the focus of narcissistic obsession.
This intense pursuit can contain a mix of both charm and grandiosity, sweeping innocent people off their feet and into a whirlwind they don’t understand. When the narcissist is obsessed with something, they will go to almost no ends to secure it. Honest people fall prey to that out of hope of connection, love, and a host of other reasons.
Is it love for the narcissist, though? When they turn on that laser of obsession, does it have anything to do with their desire for a deeper connection? Deeper meaning. Not exactly. Certainly not in the way their victims understand it.
How does narcissistic obsession take shape?
Obsession is a pattern with the narcissist. They can display these behaviors over anything, their career, their image, but especially their intimate relationships. The narcissist centers these relationships in an intense way that can leave their victims both confused and pressured. These obsessions grow over time, thanks in part to the narcissist’s twisted self-image and the willingness of those around them to build the delusion.
Forming the image
The narcissist’s obsession with you, the obsession they have with chasing a certain life or status, all begins early with the forming of an image. Every narcissist has a very specific image of themselves in their heads. These images are grandiose. They generally have elements of fame, worship, or some type of substantial social power over others.
The image they form of themselves is huge because it must cover an even bigger “secret flaw” or insecurity that they don’t want anyone to know about. Everything they do after is in pursuit of that image. The relationships they keep, and the careers they build, it’s all about validating that grandiose self-image (while running from insecurity).
That’s where everything else that happens next takes root. It’s why their obsessions are able to build in intensity and take root in reality. This delusional view of self — often lazy and without empirical validation — cannot create the illusion alone. Narcissists need other people to complete the picture.
Completing the picture
We talk about narcissists like they are solo tornados in a swirling sea of chaos that they alone create, but nothing could be further from the truth. It takes a team of people to keep a successful narcissist afloat, from the flying monkeys who run distractions to the enablers who reinforce their toxicity.
Narcissists need people to complete the picture they’re trying to paint, and the obsessions they pursue. They need people who will do what they want them to do, and they need people who will reinforce their delusions for them. That takes time to build, and it takes a lot of different masks.
Relationships are a must for the narcissist to complete their picture. They need children to help them gain access to the social mobility of parenthood. They need romantic partners to provide them with those children, to make them look normal and well-rounded in whatever space they want to move in.
That’s where the mechanism of the chase begins for the narcissist. These are the elements of their personality that make them obsessive in their pursuits. What fuels the fire, though? What is it that drives them once those targets have been put on the back of a victim they wish to possess?
What’s really lurking behind the chase?
There is more than delusion and projection of masks at play when you’re dealing with a narcissistic partner. When they identify someone they desire, it becomes a game, a pursuit. This chase is tied to their egos, their fears, and their desire to rise above others like nothing else. Seeing these motivations empowers victims to escape the pattern before it pulls them under.
Validating the ego
Relationships to narcissistic people are, more often than not, an extension of their ego. To be loved by someone else is to show the world that they are important. It also helps to shield them from their insecurities. When a narcissist can hide themselves in someone else, they are satisfied. When their victims give in to them, and succumb, the narcissist’s ego is validated.
Providing possession
Possession is a big part of the chase when dealing with a narcissistic partner or love interest. The pursuit is about possessing the person being pursued. Like the hunter, they can prove their prowess and their importance by going into the world and securing victims that reinforce their ego and their sense of entitled status.
Building a hierarchy
Narcissists are always operating within an imaginary hierarchy. Everything they do is an effort to climb to or keep themselves on the top. Their victims exist, in part, to put them there. In the home, those victims will always be relegated to a lower place of importance beneath the narcissist — no matter what other role they may play.
For some narcissists, securing relationships is all about building that hierarchy. They are showing the world how important they are, and they are able to squeeze that same worship out of you in the privacy of the home. Victims help boost narcissistic people up imaginary social ladders.
Creating the shield
More than anything else, the victims in relationships with narcissists are shields. It doesn’t matter if you are a friend, an acquaintance, a romantic partner, or their child. You are seen as an extension of them, and proof that they can’t possibly be the monster they are behind closed doors. Victims are the shield, they are a part of the mask that creates a cloak of plausible deniability for narcissistic abusers the world over.
Avoiding exposure
To some narcissistic people, failing to gain you after showing interest is an “exposure”. If you don’t succumb to them, then they believe they’ve been exposed as weak, unworthy, or powerless. That’s an insult of the highest degree, and the possession of you becomes an obsession that serves to prove that they are in control and as entitled as they think they are.
How should you handle this twisted obsession?
It can be scary when a narcissistic person turns their obsessive focus toward you. Whether in the early stages of a relationship, or at the end, the intense fervor of the narcissist in pursuit of us involves anger, fear, and ego. For one to protect themselves, one has to keep safety and reality in mind at all times.
Where does that leave you? How are you supposed to deal with a narcissist’s twisted obsession with you?
- Keep a safe distance
- Have deliberate responses
- Build a support network
Whatever you do, keep a safe distance once you know that you are the focus on the narcissistic person’s possessive intent. This means emotional distance and physical distance. Don’t put yourself in positions with them that you don’t have to be in. Don’t voluntarily do emotional labor for them or go along with their plans.
Have deliberate responses to the narcissistic person’s invitations, their guilt trips, or whatever it is they use to get you alone and at their mercy. It is better to be uncomfortable with rejection than trapped beneath the abusive behaviors at home. Tell them “no”. Politely express your explicit desire for space or your disinterest in the pursuit.
Most importantly, let the people around you know what’s going on. Even if they seem doubtful at first, let them know what you’re dealing with and how you’re trying to resolve it. Get their help if you can. If nothing else, make sure they’re aware of any escalating behaviors from the narcissist. Let them be witnesses to your reality and the narcissist’s delusion.
For those who haven’t played the cat-and-mouse game of a narcissistic relationship, this obsession can feel exhilirating. Narcissists turn on the full high beam of their charm when they are chasing something they want or that they feel entitled to. The heat of that sun can be appealing, but it’s not long until victims get burned by the reality — someone who wants to control and possess them.
Avoid sliding into that narcissistic trap. Stop letting the charming obsession fool you. Lurking beneath the surface, there is someone trying to complete a mask. In a truly narcissistic person, there is no love, only a fury to make their delusions real. Never play into it. Stand on your own and stand for healthy relationships with healthier, more well-adjusted people.
© E.B. Johnson 2023
I am a writer, NLPMP coach, and podcaster who helps women recover after a lifetime of trauma and narcissistic abuse. Using somatic techniques and neurolinguistic frameworks, I teach survivors how to reclaim their lives through the power of nervous system regulation and behavioral activation.