My Therapist Claims I Have a Preoccupation With Vengeance

We’ll see about that

I didn’t get where I am today without spending hours on end, sitting on my arse, staring out the window. Nor did I get this far by being anything less than a passionate advocate of the psychology of procrastination. Actually, come to think of it I’ll deal with that tomorrow.

I know what you’re thinking — “this man’s an absolute halfwit!”

To be honest, I think you may be right. After all, people have always said stuff like that about me; “Lee, your head’s always in clouds,” “the lights are on but nobody’s home,” “Lee, if you ever went to a mindreader, you wouldn’t get charged.” Whenever I hear comments like that — unless of course they’re accompanied by flashing lights and police sirens— I tend to switch off and do something else.

So, anyway, where was I? Ah, yeah, I was planning to talk to you about the importance of a focused mind.

Now, believe it or not, I’m training to be a therapist. As long as there isn’t a second wave of the lurgy I should be back on track to listen to other people’s problems for the rest of my life. I can’t wait.

Now in the interests of sharing knowledge, having a laugh and most importantly, attempting to remember this nonsense so I don’t look too much of a charlatan, I’d like to share my interpretation of the following key skills that evidence informs us promotes mastery over the regulation of one’s emotions.

How dare you say I’m overreacting, you fuckin’ retard!

A key tenet of effective self-management and care lies in the art of effectively identifying and labelling emotions. Nope, before you ask, we’re not talking about someone else’s emotions. I know, fuckin’ rules!

Look, no joke, this skill will enable you to become a master of your own emotional regulation. If I haven’t sold it to you yet, just imagine having the mental resilience to take other people’s bullshit without it leaving behind an unwarranted emotional footprint. The other day my clinical supervisor told me I have difficulty identifying my emotions. I’m still not sure how I feel about that.

How much for excess emotional baggage?

Another core skill of being your own emotional boss is the ability to identify obstacles to changing emotions. I know what you’re thinking — “I shouldn’t have to fuckin’ change!”

Whoa! Chill dude. Identify that emotion, label it and take a sip, a drag or simply just a deep breath, whatever floats your boat, man. Seeing as we’re talking clinical terms, here’s a relaxative.

Learning to meditate myself to ejaculation was a load off my mind

The ability to increase your mindfulness to your present emotional experience is another tough nut to crack, just like my ex-wife. I once bought her a book on mindfulness, but she just couldn’t appreciate the present.

Look, just take up meditation, it’s a damn sight better than sitting around all day doing nothing.

I didn’t say that!

Another key component of effective self-care is the art of identifying a triggered emotion, not acting on it, but instead taking the opposite action. Now, this doesn’t mean that instead of killing your boss you need to snuggle up next to him and read him a bedtime story. No! No! No!

You’re trying to put words in my mouth!

Look let’s be realistic here, it’s tough shit!

And last, but by no means least, everyone’s least favourite coping mechanism, distress tolerance.

Look, when we talk about ‘distress tolerance’ we’re not talking about giving in, we’re talking about learning to live outside our comfort zone when we have no other choice. Believe it or not, some of us thrive in the most challenging of times.

Be Positive

And last, but by no means least, the most undervalued of all human attributes, the gift of humour.

Look, when it comes to humour, as long as it’s not unkind, laugh at whatever you want. I’ll have you know, my sense of humour is so dark, if I was to emigrate to the States I’d be shot by the police.

With all this COVID-19 chaos I tried making a joke about social-distancing, but I just couldn’t come close.

“I’d like to think we now live in an age where Freudian’s psychosexual teachings have been proved to be nothing more than a phallusy” — Lee Serpa Azevado