My Sexual Goals

Reflecting on my ambitions as a woman with unfulfilled needs

In the area of self-improvement and personal development, our sexual fulfillment is often placed on the backburner.

You can look online and find countless articles from solopreneurs on how to develop our professional selves, get rich by taking their course, or get healthy by doing upside-down hot/cold yoga for just 90 minutes every morning — and these types of articles are getting a ton of engagement and earning big bucks.

But what about our sexual development? I need a course in how to approach my best friend and her husband with an indecent proposal. You know, like how to get them both in my bed in a socially acceptable, consensual, and ethical way.

I often talk with my husband about how I’d like to rev up our sex life. There is so much we’ve left uncharted. So much more adventure we could be getting out of this life we’re building together. So much untapped potential.

I talk to him. I talk to close friends. I talk to every single reader who happens to bless my work with their attention — thank you for that, by the way. It means the world to me.

But I don’t want to just talk/write about it anymore. I want to act.

Sexual Journaling

This girl has needs. I yearn for new experiences with multiple partners. I crave new adventures — both with my husband and on my own.

And as a married woman, I plan to balance a renewed focus on myself with a renewed focus on us as a couple. Because we have PLENTY of work to do in that area as well.

So today I took a small step forward in my sexual journey by simply listing my sexual goals. It’s more than a to-do list for me. It’s an ongoing list that I’ll come back to time and again to reflect on the work I need to do improve our sex life and boost our passion.

I started with pen and paper. Writing in a notebook has always felt therapeutic to me.

I’m transferring it here in the hopes that it might inspire you to create your own list and reflect on how you’d like to improve sexually — whether that means new experiences you want to have, doing more of the things you already love to do, or even getting better at satisfying yourself and/or a partner.

My Sexual Goals

My list thus far is not all-encompassing, as I know it will change and shift as I have more experiences and work with my partner on how we approach polyamory as a couple. But these are the things that I’m the most focused on right now.

Lose weight

I want to lose at least 40 of the 60 pounds I’ve gained since I took a desk job. I want to lose in a healthy way not only to gain more sexual confidence in my body (of which I have very little at the moment), but also because I want more energy overall — and more sexual stamina.

Become a practicing ethically non-monogamous couple

What this might look like for us exactly, I can’t be sure. Hubby is, I believe, mostly monogamous. He’s considering new things because he wants me to be happy. I want to go slow, make our own rules, and make sure everything is agreed upon beforehand.

Every couple is different. We can try new things and change anything that doesn’t end up working for us. But taking these first steps and at least attempting to have some of my needs met is something he’s opening his mind up to, and I love him for that.

MFM threesome

Sex with my husband and another man. At the same time. I’d love to be fucked by an attractive friend while I give my husband head. I want to give them both a blow job at the same time. I fantasize about being double penetrated. There are many positions and scenarios I’d like to explore in this situation, and it’s so yummy to think about.

Explore my bisexual desires

I would happily explore my budding sexual attraction to women in three different ways (at least):

• A threesome with my husband in which we invite an enthusiastic gal into our bed who would like to partake in activities with both of us
• Me and another woman, one-on-one, while Hubby watches
• Just me and another woman — no audience at all

Note: I’ve done hand stuff with one of my close girlfriends. And it was really exciting and intimate — but it’s left me longing for more. I’ve yet to experience the joy of oral sex with a woman, and I want to. Both giving and receiving.

Sex with another couple

I want to experience sex with another cisgender, heterosexual couple. In the form of a foursome, and also in the form of swinging. I honestly think the swinging is something I crave more. Four people having sex at once might be a little overwhelming for me. But swapping partners and being intimate with a gal’s husband in the same room as my husband — while he’s making sweet, sweet love to her — is something I find incredibly appealing.

Be dominated more often

“When’s the last time you tied me up? I can’t even remember.”

When you argue with your spouse about how unsatisfying the sex has become, do you ever start with a line like this? I do.

I want us to do the things that turn me on more often because I feel like my kinks and desires are being sorely unattended. Rough sex, bondage, light choking — all that good stuff.

My partner is submissive like me, so we always seem to be fighting for the submissive spotlight. In this way, ethical non-monogamy could also serve to meet our needs if we both connect with and enjoy dominant partners outside of our marriage.

Visit a sex club / attend a private sex event

I’d like to try both of these. I have no idea whether or not sexual exploration in a group setting — say, a club or a privately hosted event — would be something I’d want to do often. But I know I want to try it and see if it’s something I’m into. I imagine I would be if the particular setting and the people were a good fit for me.

I want to go, have a few drinks, and be able to simply watch if I don’t feel comfortable in participating just yet. I can be somewhat shy, and I like to go slow when I’m doing something new that intimidates me.

New types of orgasm

• Vaginal orgasm via penetration: Still holding out hope that this one might be possible. It’s fun to keep trying, at least!
• Orgasm during anal sex: I’ve managed to be on the receiving end of anal sex on only one occasion. I’d love to try again, and this time, use a toy on my clit while I’m being penetrated until I have an orgasm. This goal also includes my husband fucking me to completion and coming in my ass — another level we’ve yet to achieve.
• Orgasm while doing Kegels: With no direct stimulation whatsoever. With this kind of superpower, I could potentially orgasm whenever and wherever I wanted — without anyone knowing.
• Orgasm via nipple stimulation: I don’t know if this one’s at all possible for me, but nipple stimulation always feels so incredible. When my nipples are licked, sucked, rubbed, or gently twisted, my orgasm comes on faster and more intensely. So, why not work toward nipple orgasm?

Become a certified sex consultant

I’m a pretty hardcore sapiosexual. I find it incredibly attractive when someone loves to develop their mind. Professors, writers, musicians, artists — these types arouse my brain, and then they arouse my nether region.

Perhaps that’s because I love developing my own mind as well. I loved college, and I want to continue my education. A BA in English and creative writing might not cut it for me anymore.

I’ve started looking into several certification programs for sex coaching. I even have an interest in pursuing a master’s and PhD so I can practice therapy, but that may be biting off a bit more than I can chew financially.

So for now, I’m looking into taking courses and the different certifications available to help develop my sexuality education — all in the effort to help educate others.

Find a couple’s sex therapist

Hubby and I recently decided to start looking for a sex therapist who will be a good fit for our goals as a couple.

He actually approached me with the idea, and I agree that it’s a good one — especially as he is more the monogamous type. And I’m definitely not. We want and need different things, but we love each other and want to better understand how to navigate our sexual differences.

The good thing about finding a therapist? We’ll be able to start virtual sessions in our own home at any time. Just as soon as we find someone who specializes in non-monogamy and kink.

Doing the work

Blogging about sex and relationships was initially a way to restart my sexual journey. But lately, things have stalled a bit. My libido has been an inconsistent rollercoaster ride with more downs than ups. And then there’s the whole pandemic thing where socializing (and of course, sex) carries a lot more risk than it’s sometimes worth.

So if we can’t explore a BDSM sex club for the first time or share in the pleasure of non-monogamous adventures until the pandemic is over, well, then this is the perfect time to do the homework, isn’t it? Since we can’t act on our desires, we can do the mental and emotional work needed to make sure we’re ready and mature enough as a couple to handle taking our sex life to the next level once things on the outside calm down.

Now is the time for me to refocus and do the mental, emotional, and physical work I need to do to have better sex — better connections with new (and old) friends, better (and more frequent) orgasms, and better sexy experiences all around.

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This story is part of Sexual Espresso, a weekly column published here at Sexual Tendencies.