My Road To Nowhere
The raw truth blankly stares into my eyes asking, “What will you make of me?”
Hi Notez 3/15/24
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always known what I wanted. This innate interest in my own desires was often the leading catalyst used in directing my actions. But as I sit here today contemplating, I come to an understanding that I don’t know what I want anymore… Well, outside of me wanting to Be the Best version of myself I can Be.
I question if art, music, and writing truly bring me joy anymore. Going from practicing these things every day to barely making time for them amidst life responsibilities has surely altered our relationship, which I understand.
But this is different.
This is something else.
My intent behind wanting to master my craft and share the process of doing so openly was twofold. On one hand, I, as someone who sacrificed my own sense of authentic truth, felt it necessary to prove to myself, that I could bear the weight of my Truth openly and honestly.
On the other hand, the desperate need to share the wisdom I have gained through trial and error in my quest to Be what I Know, living as an example, leading by example. But I now question if this is what I truly want, and even more, what this longstanding desire actually stems from.
I had a moment to ponder these questions as I drove, and I realized joy lay in wait behind delayed gratification. Maybe the diminished returns of “fun” could not hold up against the very real weight of responsibility. And maybe, true fulfillment, to me, is far more simple.
Although the words Be the Best version of my-Self may appear the same, today, this desire is backed by pain, loss, and sacrifice, whereas back then, I relied solely on potential. An untouched reality, the good feeling possibility of fully Being my-Self.
I am no longer a child living as a child, but I am open, at least more than I have been in years anyway.
Now, the raw truth blankly stares into my eyes asking, “What will you make of me?”
The deeper I reach, the less I hold onto.
There is no clinging to distraction, no flurry of emotion, no self-flagellation, no hopeful wishes, no future vision.
Just me, right here, with no condition.
-Still figuring it out
Thank you for sharing space with me today. Today’s Hi Note is a reflection on where I am and where I want to be. If you have enjoyed reading, don’t hesitate to share your thoughts in the comments.
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If you’d like to hear more about my journey of self discovery and healing check out my series Hi Notez.
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