My Personal Self-Quarantine Routine
A list of things I did on day one of trying to never, ever leave my apartment
This is my first time voluntarily isolating myself to help prevent the spread of infectious disease and I’m gonna be honest — I think I’m nailing it. I might be a natural at avoiding people. It’s too bad it took a pandemic for me to learn I have talent.
This hasn’t been an easy couple of weeks. I have vulnerable family members I’m legitimately worried about. But I’m thankful that the medical community has introduced the concept of “social distancing,” a public health strategy where people are encouraged to reduce contact with others, especially those who are sick, in order to minimize the spread of viruses. Basically, stay indoors, if you can.
And I can. I do work from home, so I’ve had a little practice. The stakes are higher now, of course. I need to live and work and play and exist from home now. No more all-you-can-eat seafood buffets or movies or board games with friends. This is not a snow day.
I’m trying to stay positive. I’m thankful for my dog and for work. I’m thankful for the term “social distancing” because that’s how I’ve dealt with anxiety for years. If individuals who prefer seclusion was a spectrum, I’d sit comfortably between the Unabomber and a Hobbit. Like, I’d be a great hidden master of some sort, like Kung-Fu or Jedi.
But for now, limiting my contact with other human beings feels like the only way I can meaningfully contribute to an unpredictable crisis, especially since the Federal government is a clown slipping on infinite banana peels. I will do what I have always done, only I will do more of it, better than I ever have before.
So I’m going to share my personal self-quarantine routine. Perhaps it will inspire you, emotionally-healthy person. I started hunkering down for real yesterday so this routine is a work in progress but I thought I’d share. Tomorrow I’ll wear my work pajamas. But for now, I’m taking it easy. Everything you’re about to read is true.
- I woke up at 9 AM. Opened blackout curtains. Closed blackout curtains. Went back to bed.
- Woke up later, at 10:30 AM because my 13-pound mutt Morley Safer was licking the inside of my left nostril. The World Health Organization recently announced that dogs and cats don’t spread COV-19. That was the best news of the week.
- Breakfast: Two bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I despise milk because I don’t like the thought of drinking animal juices. So oat milk it was. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is 100% pure comfort food. The first bowl was for sustenance. The second was anxiety management.
- I put on pants. Actual adult pants, with a button and zippers and everything.
- Then I walked the dog around the block. I passed a person walking a very big dog and we both nodded at each other as if to say “nice end of the world we’re having.”
- Came home, fed dog, went back out to run a few quick errands:
- The only good advice I read on Twitter this whole week was to buy a cabbage because they last forever. So I bought a cabbage. Later, I will fry some bacon, then slice up cabbage and potatoes and fry them in the bacon fat. This is called “panic food.”
- I ducked into a bodega that sells chocolate-covered peanuts. I prefer chocolate covered peanuts to chocolate covered almonds because the nutmeat to chocolate ratio is better.
- I went to a drugstore to buy a few bags of Epsom salt because I Am A Man Who Practices Self-Care.
- Here’s what I do when I return home: I have some disinfectant wipes by the door, so I wipe my keys and my hands. I then wash my hands with soap and water. Then I strip naked and burn my clothes in the sink. Ha, ha. That’s a little germaphobia humor. But I have thought about it.
- I want to mention that my situational awareness is on high-alert when I am outside: I am on the lookout for anyone who looks sick. I am compassionate but, also, super-paranoid. My plan for day two is to not leave the apartment and probably work.
- Speaking of: I considered doing some work for a moment. A freelancer’s job is 50% hit your deadline, 50% look for new business. I was anxious about not being productive enough but then I thought “there’s a global pandemic going on” and I gave myself a break. Here’s a key takeaway: if you can give yourself a break, do so.
- Rewatched: Thor: Dark World. I wanted to make sure this 2013 sequel was as boring as I remembered. I was shocked that it seemed more tedious than when I first watched it. And it’s a great-looking movie with special effects that still hold up. I suppose there’s an alternate reality where Marvel decided to make safe blockbusters like this stinker. Thank Galactus Marvel bet on more irreverent directors like James Gunn and Taika Waititi. However, this is the movie where Tom Hiddleston turned Loki from a straight-up hand-wringing villain into a more multi-dimensional heartthrob.
- Lunch: Rolled up cold cuts and pickles, with a side of mayo. Better than Xanax.
- I took a nap. I stretched out on my couch like a 19th-century consumptive confined to an attic.
- Watched: Altered Carbon, EP1S2. This cyberpunk sci-fi show about a future where human beings can wear multiple bodies called “sleeves” is lavishly produced. The first season had impressive special effects and a twisty, if confusing, hard-boiled plot. There’s also an AI hologram of Edgar Allan Poe, and I love him. If you watch enough Netflix shows you get used to their episodic formula: Act one is a BIG DRAMATIC MOMENT. Act two, lots of talking. So much talking. Finally, the third act: A BIG DRAMATIC MOMENT PLUS CLIFFHANGER. This new Altered Carbon season is no exception. Oh, and it stars Anthony Mackie, who doesn’t look like he’s having fun and it’s always great to watch Anthony Mackie have fun.
- Texted “r u okay” to about a dozen friends and family.
- Made some hand sanitizer. I felt like a bootlegger making moonshine. My recipe is roughly 70% rubbing alcohol, 30% aloe vera gel. I guess it works because it burns, oh how it burns.
- I decided to single-handedly bring back talking on the phone for hours. I talked to my AA sponsor, my best friend who lives in California, and my mother, who is embracing the Doomsday Prepper lifestyle. She’s a 76-year-old hardass who makes stealth trips to Walmart at 1 AM to stock up on crackers.
- Dinner: Trader Joe’s Frozen Macaroni And Cheese. Microwavable perfection.
- Rented: The Limey. This 1999 neo-noir about an English ex-con who stalks the sunny streets of Los Angeles hunting his daughter’s killers is one of Steven Soderberg’s best, and most underrated, movies. I’m happy Soderberg’s 2011 pandemic epic Contagion is getting a second look from millions (although the circumstances aren’t ideal) but this hallucinatory revenge flick is also deserving of attention from modern-day audiences. There is not a moment on screen that isn’t riveting. As the titular character, Terence Stamp is both terrifying and heartbreaking. He’s constantly speaking in Cockney rhyme slang, befuddling everyone. But there’s not a moment when his face isn’t a portrait of pain and regret. Soderberg edits in scenes from a 1967 movie starring a younger, happier Stamp to hammer home the crushing passage of time. Stamp’s character is a loser haunted by his many mistakes and he knows it. The Limey is like 2009’s hit Taken, which is about a father with a shady past on the warpath. The primary difference, of course, is that Stamp is no dashing hero. His daughter is dead before the opening credits. But like Liam Neeson in Taken, Stamp’s limey has a particular set of skills, and he shows them off in a couple of truly badass scenes. I really think this movie is worth the rental. It’s quick, stylish, and satisfying. Peter Fonda plays the villain, a soft-spoken scumbag baby boomer music producer who deals drugs and likes his girlfriends very, very young. His monologue about the sixties — which he delivers as he picks his teeth — is worth the $3.99 alone.
- I took a long hot Epsom salt bath and scrolled through TikTok. TikTok is very entertaining and has not been completely ruined by vicious partisan warfare. Yet. My favorite TikTok genres: ramen noodle how-tos, weird cosplay, show tune lip syncs.
- Ate two 2.5 cherry-flavored Melatonin gummies.
- Laid in bed, scrolling through Twitter which is the emotional equivalent of all the scenes in the WWI drama 1917 that took place in no man’s land.
- Read 1,000 articles about coronavirus and how bad it’s going to get.
- I said good-night to my dog, who gets two pillows.
- Slept with my eyes open.