Do Men Wash Their Hands?

Apparently, the unacceptable answer is ‘no.’ Most don’t.

My hands are clean. I’m the kind of man who scrubs in like a surgeon before eating chicken wings for dinner. From the moment I step onto the New York City subway, a petri dish on wheels, I think of nothing but the moment I can lather up and rinse off with hot water.

I am constantly washing my hands, like an obsessive Pontius Pilate. It helps to see the world as I see it: splattered with microscopic death.

So it’s a nasty surprise to learn that I’m in the minority. According to a study cited by the Centers For Disease Control, a horrifying 69% (nice) of men reported they don’t wash their hands. Yes, that’s right, the vast majority of dudes don’t wash after using the toilet.

That means almost 7 out of 10 men walk around giving high-fives with hands soaked in invisible human juices. Apparently, I have shaken hands with billions of fecal molecules. And so have you.

I accept that my gender has its unsavory habits. While I often criticize and mock men don’t think for a moment I’m above it all.

I have been known to wear the same pair of socks two days in a row. I eat week-old Thai food takeout. I don’t always clip my toenails. I’m gross. Pull my finger.

But, my dudes, wash your hands. Please. Wash them after manipulating your genital organs. Wash them after using public transportation. Wash them, regularly, because you are a human being interacting with other human beings and human beings, while sometimes very nice, are also autonomous biological weapons. We are covered in germs and thankfully, germs hate soap.

I feel like I’ve been training my whole life for the coronavirus pandemic, the flu-like illness that is spreading around the world at an alarming rate and is especially dangerous to the elderly and those with weak immune systems. Not to mention the uninsured. I really don’t want to contribute to anyone’s anxieties about this unfolding story but I think it’s fair to say the COV-19 outbreak is not as bad as it seems and is also far worse than we’re being told.

In addition to washing my hands, I use to be an avid hand sanitizer user but that was before the precious goo started to sell-out. True story: a man tried to sell me a one-ounce bottle of Purell for eight dollars on the streets of Manhattan this week like it was a drug. I should have asked him how much for a squirt.

The majority of infectious disease experts say the best way to protect yourself from the virus is to regularly wash your hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds. Some of those healthcare experts suggest singing “Happy Birthday” twice while washing hands in order to completely rinse away germs. Instead of singing “Happy Birthday” I sing two choruses of Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse.”

So you wanna play with magic? Boy, you should know what you’re fallin’ for Baby, do you dare to do this? ’Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse Are you ready for, ready for A perfect storm, perfect storm? ’Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine There’s no going back

I have been religiously washing my hands for my entire life. I wash them like I’m going to win a prize. I’m so good at it I should teach a free workshop. The first lesson? Washing your hands, even if you’re a healthy young man, is a good way to protect friends and family. So be a hero. If you don’t want to wash your hands for yourself do it for the vulnerable people in your life.

Wait, I’ve changed my mind. Do it for your loved ones but also do it for me, because, good God, you just went to the bathroom.