It’s The Perfect Time To Watch ‘Doomsday Preppers’

A random recap of a classic canceled reality TV show

Welcome to Random Recap, a new column that should be self-explanatory but I’ll explain it anyway. You see, thanks to the multiple streaming platforms I subscribe to I have access to thousands & thousands of hours of entertainment. That means sometimes I spin the Wheel of TV Shows and watch whatever comes up. This is what I call a wild night.

Then I recap it. Which I’m just about to do. In fact, I’m going to recap an episode of an old reality TV series that I use to laugh at because its subjects seemed so paranoid and ridiculous then, but now I’m suddenly more sympathetic.

Earlier this week, the CDC told Americans to begin to prepare for “significant disruption” from the flu-like coronavirus. It is unclear how bad this potential pandemic is going to be but people — including Wall Street stockbrokers — are getting panicky. Myself included.

So I watched a random episode of Doomsday Preppers, which is currently on Netflix. The show, which is about the survivalist community, aired on The National Geographic Channel from 2011 to 2014. Each episode showcases how “preppers” are getting ready for the absolute worst: nuclear war, earthquake, total social collapse. The producers take their subjects very seriously and at the end of each segment, the prepper’s work is accessed by experts.

I didn’t take it seriously when it first aired on cable TV. I was just a fancy boy elite pointing and laughing at some dude sitting in his basement with a loaded crossbow. But now? Well, I’m a changed man. I’ve already started to prep. I’ve bought a half dozen cans of those chunky soups that claim you can eat them with a fork. I’ve duct-taped two knives together like a double-barreled shotgun.

I’m probably going to binge every episode of Doomsday Preppers but I will recap the first episode I picked which is Season 2: Episode 7, titled No Such Thing As A Fair Fight.

The opening credits of Doomsday Preppers hammers home the basic premise of the show — the world is going to end and these people plan to survive. The music is dramatic. There are fast-cut shots of people in camouflage firing rifles, throwing Molotov cocktails, and piloting getaway boats. This is not a reality television show that should be messed with.

There are two preppers interviewed in this episode and at the end of each, the preppers are given a grade and told how long they would last on their own.

The first prepper we meet is a man named Brent. Brent is from Florida and he’s an engineer and real estate broker who served in the military. Brent is afraid that an enemy of America will ignite a nuclear device in the atmosphere, triggering an electromagnetic pulse that will fry circuits and plunge the country into darkness.

His solution? He’s building a 6,000 square foot medieval-style concrete castle in the South Carolina mountains. When it’s finished the castle will have six bedrooms, a library, a giant fireplace, and a spiral staircase leading up to a second floor. There’s a 3,000 square foot bunker in the basement with two-years worth of supplies. Brent estimates he’s poured at least a million dollars into his Doomsday Castle, which he imagines is his legacy. A mighty monument to his vision that will last generations.

But Brent isn’t content to just show the Doomsday Preppers film crew his expensive defensive fortification. No. First, he decides to gather his 10 children, ages 8 to 41 years old, to practice bugging out to his castle. “Bugging out” is prepper speak for grabbing supplies, usually a pre-prepared ‘bug-out bag,’ and escaping as fast as you can to a bunker or hideout far away from wherever danger is occurring. (I do not have a ‘bug-out bag’ but I will once I finish writing this recap. The bag will consist of at least three rolls of soft, double-ply toilet paper.)

Brent has a surprise for his brood, however: while at the castle he makes a King Lear-like pronouncement. First, he is pouring his fortune into his prepper investments: the concrete fort, the bunker, supplies, etc. Second, only two of his children — one from each marriage — will be executors of his estate upon his death.

His oldest son, who is named Brent the Second I shit you not, is confident he’ll be picked. But his daughters Ashley and Dawn-Marie are also certain they’ll be picked. Doomsday Castle? More like Drama Castle.

Brent then decides to subject his family to a series of tests. Can they work together to build a solar panel array? The answer is yes. Can they shoot guns? Again: yes. How about bows and arrows? Yes. But can they shoot guns and bows and arrows during a thunderstorm? Can they shoot a flaming arrow, too? Yes and yes.

Later, the family retreat into the bunker where the homemade-looking electrical system almost explodes.

The best part of these segments is the endings where the prepper’s life-work is criticized and then the preppers get low-key defensive about it. The disaster prep experts judge according to five categories that are worth 20 points each: food, eater, shelter, security, and x-factor. The maximum score is 100. Brent got a 68 out of 100. The judges felt his supplies were outdated, his castle unfinished and, oh yeah, he almost electrocuted his family.

At the very end, we are told that the likelihood of an EMP burst is extremely low.

The second prepper is a mere 400 miles away from Brent. His name is Derek and he has two things in common with Brent: He, too, is afraid of society collapsing after the electrical grid is destroyed. Derek is afraid that a freak solar flare will plunge the world into darkness. The two men are also very fond of building their own fortresses.

These dudes love talking about “last stands.”

Derek and his family own a cowboy-themed amusement park in North Carolina that is actually a front for his 4,000 square foot fort where he and his extended family of 15 will defend themselves in the event of Armageddon. He’s been building the fort behind-the-scenes of his business for 20 years and claims to have spent $100,000 on supplies, ammunition, and other building materials.

Derek’s fort is a bit more sophisticated than Brent’s. There are secret tunnels and hatches that lead all around the park. In addition to guns and rifles, Derek also has a flamethrower and a vintage cannon. There are booby traps all around the park perimeter. He boasts one year's worth of food and uses the cooking oil from the park’s restaurant as biofuel.

The episode includes a late-night war game that sees Derek and his 11-year-old son defend the park from a squad of fake invaders led by Derek’s brother. The lesson of the fake skirmish was there are no rules in the post-apocalypse. So expect the unexpected.

There is a moment in the segment before the judges weigh in where Derek talks about all the people in his life who have laughed at his obsession. Those people better not knock on his door when the shit hits the fan. It makes me wonder if Noah laughed as his neighbors pounded on his ark in the rain.

Anyway, the prepper experts were impressed that Derek’s fortress is also a profit-generating business but was less impressed at his lack of water storage. They gave him a 68 out of 100 according to the same categories they used with Brent and predicted he could survive 12 months.

Like Brent, Derek did not agree with the assessment. But that doesn’t matter because the odds of a civilization-ending solar flare are remote.

I do love that the show ends each segment suggesting that the preppers are actually paranoid but this was years ago, before the mysterious Chinese superflu sparked fears across the globe.

I’m glad I rewatched Doomsday Preppers. I need more water, and food, and maybe I can squeeze a vintage cannon, you know the kind you fire by lighting a fuse, in my one-bedroom Manhattan apartment.