My Narcissist Taught Me 5 Lessons About Myself
Trust, the silent treatment, hope, love, and ghosting.
We’ve all been faced with the roller coaster of a whirlwind romance or the end of a relationship we wanted to last forever. We’ve learned how to cope and move on. Being stuck in the cycle between hello and goodbye was absolute agony, but I’m grateful for the grace, kindness, and strength within myself that came from it. Allow me to share with you who I was before him and who I am now, a journey that took too much time to realize!
- Blind Trust and Face Value
Before — He said it and did it — he must mean it!
Example — He initiated everything. He sent me flowers at work, he cleared out two drawers at his place and personally packed them with my stuff. He often said, “I love you, don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.” I had nothing not to trust because he was saying and doing all the right things of his own free will. He invited me to stay at his place 4th of July weekend even while he was working, and he took the night off to join me with my parents for my birthday. He also took me to his family reunion and asked me over to take me to dinner to introduce me to his kids. He said, “I could get used to waking up to this face…every day” and told me how happy he was.
After — People say lots of things. I’m only getting one side of the story and cannot be completely fair to the situation unless I think about it from every possible angle. I’m not innocent or perfect, either, I’ve said things I haven’t meant. I’m much more careful about that now because I don’t want to unintentionally hurt anyone’s feelings because I know what it’s like. It’s better to be honest and let the emotions ride as they may. I’m a big girl; I can handle anything as long as I know what it is! I’d also heard plenty of promotions that men don’t take you around their families unless they’re serious about you. That may not be on the list of indicators anymore because I’ve known more than a handful of men who took me around their families and then ghosted me.
2. The Silent Treatment and Gaslighting
Before — No response? What did I do wrong? Is he mad at me? Do I need to apologize?
Example — The attacks on my self-worth. Now, I’m a pretty strong turkey! Well, I thought I was at the time. I’ve been through a lot and this certainly isn’t my first heartbreak. It’s just the most memorable and life changing. Never had I been through the torturous mental dialogue I was about to witness. He made me question every good part of myself — took away my spirit, made me give up on myself, brought out every insecurity and even made me wish I was never born.
1) I’m an easy target and always have been. 2) I’m just everyone’s guinea pig. 3) I am a GOOD person — I take spiders and bugs outside so they live, and you treat me like I deal drugs to small children or something. I’m not the scum of the earth — I cut up anything that an animal can get its neck caught in something — red solo cups, sour cream containers, etc. 4) I wonder what the non-pathetic women are doing tonight. 5) What’s wrong with me that I keep putting up with this? 6) What did I lose to?? 7) I feel like you’ rather stick your hand in a blender than be with me. 8) Did I really mess up THAT badly?
After — No response? No problem! I didn’t come this far in my life to believe this is my just reward for being an amazing woman. I have countless friends and family who treat me with dignity and respect. I’ve gone through the worst emotional pain I could imagine and have no desire to live through it again. Instead of fighting for someone to love me, I gained true acceptance that I’d rather be alone and confident than together and tortured. If he has something to say, then he’ll tell me. If he wants to act like an emotional infant, then he can do it without bringing me into the black hole of silence.
3. Hope
Before — Holding onto any single thread of hope is surely going to bring him back; he’ll come to his senses!
Example — I put together ten reasons I believed my fearful avoidant wasn’t looking for anyone else. Have you ever done that…made a list of all the reasons to hang in there? Maybe some of these will resonate. Let me preface this by saying that it has been well over three years now since we broke up. He did string me along for a good while, though, and during the off times, he made me believe he was “thinking” and during the on times, I had his full attention! Well, as far as I could tell by the way he was texting me (notice I didn’t say “talking” to me.) One of my coping mechanisms at the time was to list all the reasons he was just “scared” (as he told me several times he was) and it really wouldn’t have mattered who he was with:
1) He’s already in love with ME — head start!! 2) He fiercely believes no one will love him and accept him for who he is. 3) He’s overly critical of people and will find plenty of reasons not to be with them, either. 4) He won’t like the way they “communicate” with him (communication STYLE is KEY — his words). 5) He’s still living in the past; and that’s all he wants to do (total victim mentality). 6) He’s too busy hiding behind his parents, family, and work. 7) He can’t handle conflict that most women cause (his mind; he still doesn’t get how he creates chaos). 8) He won’t waste his precious time on most other people (he doesn’t now!) 9) He copes by “shutting down” (he can’t face anything — he’s emotionally afraid of a statue). 10) He’s clearly not ready for a relationship yet (or he’d be around the one he claims to love).
After — Forget that mess! Hope has its place, but not in one-sided situations. It’s time to be realistic because feelings are not facts. Anyone who wants to be around me will be around me. Psychology 101 can be quite exhausting, and an authentic person won’t take any energy to figure out. There is enough heartache in the world, stop taking every little analysis so seriously and enjoy the people who provide calmness. In other words, lighten up!
4. Significance of a Partner
Before — He’s my entire universe! I can’t believe it took God this long to bring him to me — all the heartbreak I suffered in my life was only a path to finding him!
Example — This is an excerpt from an email I sent him: “Oh, thank God! I was hoping you’d know how devoted I am to you and we’re going to do what’s right for US no matter what anyone else thinks — if you ask me, we’ve already waited long enough for this life together!!! And my love — I’m not even “window shopping” for a man anymore — YOU ARE IT!!!! Miss you, too!” And another email I sent my aunt: You’ll understand it when you meet him. We’re soul mates. 100% unequivocally made by God to find each other and be together!
After — What is the world population, somewhere around 8 billion? And I think this one person is the be all and end all to my happiness? Forget world population, how about my own city? Wheeling — 37,648. Males — 18,525. Source — https://suburbanstats.org/population/illinois/how-many-people-live-in-wheeling-village I’m pretty sure my chances of finding a nice man aren’t as dismal as I used to think! It’s okay to let go and I now thank him for doing me a favor.
5. Love Itself — the Emotional Aftermath of Ghosting
Before — Why won’t you just let me love you? This is crazy! Two people who love each other should be together, and I know you love me!
Example — This man promised me forever, and bailed with a simple text message:
Jennifer — (he never called me Jennifer; always baby or princess)…Jennifer — I’m safe. I’ve enjoyed the past 3 months together and you’ve always asked me to be honest and upfront with you. I need to move on and am no longer interested in pursuing this relationship. Please respect that.
So how do you go from…:
Good morning my beautiful princess! It’s 6:30 am down here and I’ve been awake since 4:00 am EST. Not sure why I woke up so early, but I’ve been doing some work and watching CNN. I wanted to make sure you had a message waiting for you when you got to work… so here’s my message…I love you baby! You are so incredibly beautiful and I’m very lucky to have you in my life princess. I’m going to jump in the shower and get ready for my day down here. I should be on the road right at 2:30 your time and I’m hoping to be at your place between 6:00–6:30 tonight. You’re going to have a fantastic day today honey! Can’t wait to see you later :)
…to being treated as if I’m irrelevant? That’s just not nice. Among the many rantings, here’s one of my favorites:
OMG — I want a life with you — HOW DARE I??? It must be nice to have someone fight for you while you sit back and pummel them for having the audacity to try. Say ONE wrong thing and he’ll crucify you. I must wonder — doesn’t it get exhausting going through life with his defenses up all the time? I wanted to be the ONE person in his life who looked past all the insecurities and burdens he carries and say, “I want to help the person who is behind that facade. It’s really becoming of you when you open up rather than hide. You’re the ONLY person I know who thinks knowing “you” is a bad thing. Most people want to be known so well and get upset when they don’t have it.” Thanks a lot. Now I know for sure I have the freedom to find an honest gentleman who treats me right…a winner.
After — I am not crazy and being in love is not a punishable event. What I learned is it is hard to put down roots in quicksand; and if you’re sick of the past — pull the roots! My fearful avoidant’s attachment style made me realize, through extensive research, that I had an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. This led me to intentionally put myself on the path to becoming aware of what I was missing, and what I am worthy of in the future. I will no longer beat myself up over a relationship that feels like I’m trying to get through a concrete wall with a toothpick. Not that I’m expecting it to be all sunshine and roses, but I’ve learned the difference between a toxic relationship and a fulfilling one.
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