Are You an Easy Target for a Narcissist? Signs to Look For.
I used to be, and then I learned a few things.
If you’ve been on the receiving end of a narcissist, it won’t happen again because you’ve learned that you’ll never win. The difference is now you finally know it’s not your fault. If you’re in a relationship and struggling with self-esteem, be assured you are not crazy. You’re with a crazy-making narcissist. How can you figure it out?
When you meet someone, you have an intelligent exchange. You tell him all about yourself, he tells you all about himself — that’s what we do when we’re getting to know each other. We share. You’d expect a normal person to have empathy for your buttons and make a special effort not to push them or intentionally do something that would hurt you. It’s not like that for a narcissist.
When you talk, you’re openly telling him what you are sensitive about. When he talks, he tells you what he thinks you want to hear. When you listen, you’re taking him at face value. When he listens, his radar is on high alert for all of your insecurities and he’s putting them in his back pocket so he can pounce and use them against you when it serves his twisted ego.
All these things we hear about narcissists is intentional, but what no one is telling you is how easy it is for them to read us in the first place. No matter how strong, logical, sensible, and level-headed you are, you blissfully skate right by the red flags because you treat people nicely and expect others to treat you well because they are as well-intended in relationships as you are.
If you pay attention to nothing else, trust this: The very first time they hurt you with something you’ve opened up about or gives you the silent treatment when you do or say something that doesn’t sit well with him, you better high-tail it out of there before you continue your journey into the bottomless pit of worthlessness from which will take months, if not years, to recover. That is the first sign your partner isn’t embracing the fundamental emotional security your relationship needs to thrive. You’ve been warned.
“It is impossible to persuade a man who does not disagree, but smiles.” — Muriel Spark
I’m not going into the grandiose sense of self, victimhood, gaslighting and silent treatment or crazy-making traits narcissists possess. You already know all about those. What I am going to do is share with you what I was doing to be a target, what I ignored, and what to look for so you don’t get bamboozled.
Too Much Too Fast
Stubborn me couldn’t have listened to my mother all those years she told me I rush into things too quickly and don’t get to know the other person before giving away my heart. Granted, ninety-nine percent of those situations didn’t turn out to be detrimental to my emotional well-being. I had never experienced a whirlwind romance so intense. He said he loved me, and I believed him because I loved him. I meant it and he convinced me he meant it. He may have even convinced himself he meant it.
What I Missed
This relationship rendered me incapable of emotional steadiness. The chemicals in my brain were either running on a high state of adrenaline and excitement or trying to pull me out of a semi-depression I didn’t realize I was even in until I heard myself actually say aloud to myself: Jenn, you’re a grown woman, get a grip.” There was no room for calm, quiet, and serenity. Getting caught up in the whirlwind romance and belief that I finally found the man I was looking for was anything but a recipe for a happy ending. It was sheer chaos.
Lessons Learned
Feelings are not facts. While falling in love is supposed to be an exciting time and getting to know each other is an adventure to look forward to, it shouldn’t be so extreme. The success of any relationship hinders on transparency and should feel like a safe place. It’s more important to stay curious about what I can learn about a person over time and weighing heavily if a trait is something I can reasonably live with rather than racing right past the red flags. That’s why they’re called red flags. More often than not, your initial feeling is right; listen to yourself.
What He Said vs. What He Did
He believed he was a giver. I think he wants that on his headstone: I’m a Very Giving Person.
It’s what he said on a consistent basis and believed about himself. The reality is he was the biggest taker I’ve ever met in my entire life! I was so happy to shower him with love and affection, I didn’t think twice about not receiving so much as a lovely greeting card.
Very Giving Person — Okay, Let’s Do the Math
In our four months together, these are the gifts he enjoyed from me:
• 3 Burberry ties
• 1 set of Burberry cuff links
• A set of four Waterford whiskey glasses engraved with names
• 2 sets of whiskey stones
• Potato peeler
• Icy Hot pain relief system for his mom
• Door hangers
• Tire gauge
• Love book / care package when he traveled, several heartwarming cards
• $150 donation to animal welfare in his name
• iPhone holder for car
• Computer charger
• Dishwasher magnet
• Christmas ornament and stockings
• Tickets to a comedy show (front row center)
• 2 days off work to spend with him when he was traveling
What I got out of the deal was a Yankee candle topper he had on hand, a bunch of clothes solely to turn me into his trophy girlfriend, and walking shoes that developed holes in them within two months — all of which I returned to him after the break-up.
End material gifts, enter emotional examples of “giving”:
• Broken up with via text right before Christmas
• Strung along for over a year with an on-again-off-again relationship at his whim and on his terms
• Blown off on my birthday followed by total silence
• Zero acknowledgment of my giving all his stuff back
• Zero empathy for what he put me through
Then again, it depends how you look at it. I can agree he’s a very giving person…giver of fake love, emotional abuse, silence, heartache, broken promises, chaos, lies, neglect, avoidance, accusations, crazy-making, criticism, judgment, punishment for wanting him around at all…giver of tears.
Lessons Learned
There was no reciprocity. The legacy of a narcissist is giving to serve his self-interest when he honestly thinks he’s giving to others. Narcissists aren’t capable of compassion or empathy, even though they might randomly show traits empathy. Logically, they know they are supposed to feel a certain way because they’ve witnessed it or have been told, but they don’t genuinely feel it in their hearts.
A note about the Love Book and a subtle clue about red flags — when I put it on his table and he sat down, I know he saw it and he pretended not to.
He also thinks he’s a communicator and he’s chivalrous, but he’s not. Pulling out someone’s chair, opening the door, and paying the bill doesn’t make him a gentleman. He’s selfish, insecure, needy, ungrateful, unprotecting, and unforgiving. But hey, it’s not his fault…he’s only a product of his “bad experiences” that he’s all too happy to share with you in his quest for victimhood and sympathy.
It’s possible to protect your heart and still fall in love. Know your boundaries, take a breath, think it through, and make a list of pros and cons. Journal how you feel and be honest with yourself. Does he have boundaries of his own? Does he talk a lot and not seem to make a point? Is it all about him? Does he criticize you? Do you generally feel down on yourself? Who is he when you’re not looking?
This dialogue from a scene in The Young and the Restless sums it up perfectly:
Nick — Why’d you do the 180 with Adam?
Phyllis — I don’t know. I think I just started believing what everybody else knows about Adam.
Nick — What, that he’s a selfish, egotistical, narcissistic, psychopathic FREAK?
Phyllis — I could deal with that. No, it’s just that he doesn’t know what it means to be a friend.
Nick — Why is that surprising? He has a complete lack of empathy.
Phyllis — Yeah, he definitely doesn’t see people as people. You’re either useful to him or you’re not…I was just stupid to believe I mattered. I can usually read people better than this.
Nick — Well, don’t beat yourself up. He’s a lot better at fooling them.
Final Thoughts
Sometimes it’s just toxic. Sometimes it just doesn’t matter why anymore. You will never win. Sometimes that’s okay. Know when to let go of a zero. Change your approach and focus on yourself because I know you can find your strength. Much love and God bless!
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