Summary

The author is experiencing mental exhaustion due to stress from personal life challenges, particularly concerns about her husband's health and the impact of her job on her well-being.

Abstract

The author discusses the cycle of stress and guilt that is wearing on her mental health. She describes how stress from her husband's cancer and potential health issues manifests physically in her, leading to a cold and back pain during her vacation. Despite her love for her husband, she occasionally yearns for a life without the stress of caregiving and the freedom to prioritize her own desires. The author acknowledges the guilt she feels for these thoughts, which only adds to her stress. She recognizes the need to reduce her workload to alleviate stress and make time for self-care. Although an escape from her situation seems appealing, she understands the importance of focusing on positive moments and making long-term changes to cope with her circumstances.

Opinions

The author feels that her mind is trapped in a cycle of stress and overthinking, which is detrimental to her mental health.
She believes that her body reacts to stress during periods of relaxation, indicating a need for better stress management.
The author questions whether her life would be easier without the responsibilities of her relationship, especially on difficult days.
She expresses a sense of guilt for desiring time for herself and for thinking about her own needs.
Despite the challenges, the author is committed to taking each day as it comes and focusing on the positive aspects of her life.
She values journaling as a tool for processing her emotions and recognizes the importance of making changes to improve her mental well-being.

MENTAL HEALTH

My Mind Is Tired And Wants To Escape

Stress brings thoughts to my mind, and those thoughts bring guilt, which causes stress… but life goes on

It seems my mind is in a place where it needs to do some deep thinking.

No, who am I kidding?!

My mind doesn’t have a mind of its own, even though I sometimes think it has. Are you still following? Because I think I'm getting myself confused.

I wrote about yet again falling into the trap of overthinking¹, and then some things happened.

It was on the first day of my vacation time that I started getting a cold. It stayed with me for four days, but those first two were the worst. On the second day of my vacation time, my back started aching — that same old place where stress seems to hit me every time.

I knew my body was reacting to the downtime. Bottled-up stress always seems to hook their claws into our bodies when we let go a bit. I tried to look at it from the bright side: at least it means I’m relaxing.

My husband asked me about the cold and the backache, and I told him it was stress-related.

“What are you stressed about?”

I mean… seriously? Yes, seriously… that was his question.

I didn’t answer him; I just sighed.

Because he knows. He knows I worry about him. Worry about the cancer. Worry about the fact he’s searching for words more than he did six weeks ago.

The tumor marker in his blood has gone up. Only slightly, but after a higher result twice in a row, the specialists wants him to go for a CT scan to check for metastases. We will only know at the end of January 2024, and until then… stress.

I wonder if he might’ve had another ‘invisible stroke’. I call them invisible, because when he had the stroke in March 2021, we learned he had several before then, of which we have noticed nothing. His searching for words more in the past weeks shows he might’ve had another one of those. We will go to the doctor for that, but only after we know the result of the CT scan.

I worry he might have a series of invisible strokes again, leading up to a bigger one. He’s already unable to work; what would happen if he had yet another?

He is one who takes things day by day, who deals with things when they happen and never thinks ‘what if’. I am the one worrying about the future even while I do my best to take things day by day.

Stress is eating me up, even though I am not consciously stressed all the time. One reason I want to cut back on work², to have more downtime, and less stress. Because, no matter how much I like my job, it adds to the stress and the feeling that I never have time for myself.

And then I read a piece by Suzie Alexander and her words³ hit me between the eyes:

Sometimes you may question, is it worth it all? Would I be better off single, not accountable to anyone and do exactly as I please. Somedays the answer is “yes.”

I love my husband to bits⁴, yet still my answer is ‘yes’ on some days. Some days I only want to think about myself. About what I want. What I want to do. To do what I want, when I want.

Some days, the stress gets the better of me, and I want everything to disappear, everyone. I want to be by myself, want to forget about the world around me, forget about taking care of others, of what others think or maybe want me to do.

Guilt envelopes me like a cloak when those thoughts travel through my mind, and it adds to my stress.

I’m tired.

My mind is tired.

I need an escape.

But I know there’s none. All I can do is to take it from day to day, to concentrate on the positive moments, to journal about my feelings, and to make changes which will help me in the long run.

I wake up every day, show up every day, put one foot in front of the other, and do what I have to do. We have to deal with what comes our way.

Life goes on…

[1] Bottom Line Of Overthinking: A Cloudy Mind Too much thinking about things that should be relatively simple only serves to hurt my brain

[2] Every Life Is Full Of Change As human beings, we learn to adapt to the natural changes in life, those everyone goes through. The unexpected ones unsettle us.

[3] The Truth of the Matter by Suzie Alexander Reflections on Relationships and the Tango

[4] The Love Of My Life He’s my best friend, my lover, my soulmate, my husband

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