FROM MY LIFE | PERSONAL STORY

Every Life Is Full Of Change

As human beings, we learn to adapt to the natural changes in life, those everyone goes through. The unexpected ones unsettle us.

Every new phase in our lives comes because of change. When we start primary school, high school, university, a new job, marry, have kids.

Some changes are simple to adapt to. Think of going to primary or high school — they are part of the natural path most lives take. Others are changes we chose for, such as getting married or having kids.

However, a medal always has two sides.

Things happen in life — changes — which we haven’t planned for. Things we have seen happening in the lives of others, and hoped it never happens to us.

And then it does.

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” — Socrates

I have written several articles in which I mentioned my husband is not well. Neither of us planned for him to get a stroke, let alone for him to receive a cancer diagnosis. We haven’t planned for him to be forced to stop working. Neither did we plan for him — an amputee — to be more disabled than he already was.

However, we had to deal with it.

My best friend supported me as best she could during our difficult time. She frequently asked how my husband was, but also checked in with me regarding my mental health.

Not for one moment did it cross her mind that she could end up in the same position.

But she did.

Both our lives have changed so much.

We are both tired and desperately in need of time for ourselves. It’s not like we never have time to do the things we want.

I go to the zoo all by myself to refuel. She steps on her new electric moped and cruises on the deserted roads between the meadows of the remote town where they live. We see each other for lunch and talk and talk and talk.

But, we need more time.

She works 32 hours a week, spread out over five days, while I work 34, spread out over four.

At home she is fully responsible for everything, and she has to help her husband, who is disabled after he had a stroke. He can’t work in the garden anymore, can’t help her in the house, and he needs help with some basic things.

My husband can at least still cook, which he does, and occasionally he tries to do something in our garden. What took him a day in the past, he now spreads out over 2–3 weeks. He doesn’t help in the household, except for doing the dishes. I do the rest, all of it.

In both our lives, something had to give. She’s on the brink of a mental breakdown, and I almost had one. It took me eighteen months to find my balance with our changed situation. Eighteen months to understand that I need to look at all my activities, and see where I can carve out more time for myself.

Maybe that’s not the way to say it.

It’s not so much more time I need, but I need more time where there is less of a mental demand on me. And so does my friend.

About four months ago, I knew what to do. The decision came to me through my coaching sessions. Not once had my coach told me what to do, but through her guidance, it became clear.

I would cut back on work. Instead of working 8.5 hours four days a week, I would go back to 9 hours three days a week. At least, this is what I want. I looked at our financial situation, asked our HR for proforma payslips for 24, 27.5 and 30 hours.

Then, once I had made my decision, I talked to my manager. He spoke to MT, and they agreed to me cutting back to three days, but they are not yet convinced I can handle 9 hours a day. My reasoning: it’s only half an hour more than I do now, and even now I sometimes work the 9 hours, as I barely ever take a lunch break.

My friend followed. She put the wheels in motion at her employer to cut back to three days — 24 hours.

The decisions came easily, but both of us still have obstacles in our ways before we will officially work only three days per week. Her employer is making it difficult for her, and my husband is not happy with the fact I want to work less.

None of these obstacles are insurmountable.

On 1 January 2024, she will cut back to three days, while I will cut back to three on 1 July 2024.

Why only then for me?

Because I want to give my husband time to adjust to the fact that I will work less. It means less income (we can handle it) but I will also build up less pension for when I retire. The latter was his primary concern, but I believe we can handle that too.

These are changes my friend and I have chosen for, in order to deal with the changes life has imposed on us.

“Making a big life change is pretty scary. But know what’s even scarier? Regret.” — Zig Ziglar

Written for September’s prompt by ADEOLA SHEEHY-ADEKALE on Promptly Written, a publication of Ravyne Hawke’.

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