avatarEmma London

Summary

A writer new to BDSM, who has primarily experienced the submissive role, is considering embracing dominance after her partner, Mr P., expressed his desire for her to dominate him, although she fears not meeting his expectations due to her lack of experience and his high pain threshold.

Abstract

The author of the article is a recent initiate to the world of BDSM, having previously understood it through limited media portrayals and personal exploration. Initially, she identified only with the submissive role, finding great pleasure in surrendering control to her partner, Mr P., who is an experienced BDSM practitioner. However, after an unexpected turn of events where she successfully took on a dominant role, she discovered a new aspect of her sexuality. This revelation led to a request from Mr P. for her to dominate him, putting her in a position where she must confront her fear of disappointing him due to her inexperience in dominance and the high pain threshold he possesses. Despite these concerns, she is determined to explore this new dynamic in their relationship, seeking to enhance their sexual experiences together.

Opinions

  • The author initially viewed BDSM through a narrow lens provided by media, which did not reflect the full spectrum of the practice.
  • She has a strong preference for the submissive role but is open to exploring dominance at her partner's request.
  • The author values open communication with her partner regarding their sexual desires and boundaries.
  • She is apprehensive about fulfilling the dominant role due to her perception of not being "good enough" compared to Mr P.'s past experiences with BDSM.
  • Despite her fears, she acknowledges the importance of trust, instinct, and the emotional connection she shares with Mr P. during their sexual encounters.
  • The author believes that the key to successful BDSM practice is mutual satisfaction, clear communication, and respect for each other's limits.

My Lover Asked Me to Dominate Him

As a newborn into BDSM, I’m afraid to disappoint

Image by joshuatkd from Pixabay

I was recently introduced to the BDSM world. I knew a bit about it, from TV -which I came to realize it’s a very limited peep into the real thing -, and from reading erotica. Also, since I took a real interest in the matter, from reading other writers here on Medium (than you all, you guys teach me a lot!)

All the movies or TV series I watched that contemplated BDSM had this in common: a tall hot woman dominatrix dressed in a full-body latex outfit, carrying a whip. Either that or scenes of intense pain-inflicting. As much as I saw beauty in the dominatrix scenes and even some arousal, it never occurred to me that BDSM was for me — I have a low tolerance for pain, I couldn't imagine myself inflicting pain to someone, or being submissive.

Luckily, I had a chance to overlap fiction with reality and learn that BDSM is what you make of it.

You define the level of pain you want to be inflicted to you; you set your boundaries — they will not be crossed by your dominator. You can switch between roles — be either submissive or dominator. Also, I learned that there’s no such thing as “correct” or “wrong” way to be a BDSM practitioner. Like in vanilla sex, that each partner appreciates more or less a position or finds candles and soft music appealing; in BDSM, you adjust everything to your pleasures.

Since I embraced my kink side, I’ve always been in a submissive role. I love the sensation of giving complete power to Mr P. when we are in a scene. I never got so aroused in my life as when I’m handcuffed, and he’s spanking me or fucking me hard, taking ownership of my body.

Apart from one experience — me testing Mr P.’s whips and floggers on him, I’ve always been in the submissive role. Even knowing that he’s a switch (he’s both dominator and submissive), it never occurred to me to invert our roles. I dreamed about it; I love to please him, so, naturally, I thought it would be great to take the control once in a while. But thinking about it, I felt like I didn’t have it in me.

Then, I had an experience that showed me I could be wrong. We had just played with some sex toys and the handcuffs were laying in the bed, so I used them on Mr P., and I tried anal play with him. Afterwards, we fucked so intensely! I could feel in him the adrenaline and the accumulated arousal that a BDSM scene gives you. I knew exactly how he felt. And I caused it!

With that experience, I realized I might have dominator blood running in my veins, and I loved the idea. Not only for myself — I’ll get a different type of pleasure; but for Mr P. — for receiving pleasure as a submissive; and also for ourselves, as a couple — if we’re both switches, it enriches even more our (sex) life.

However, out of fear or shame (old habits die hard), I never said I’d like to try it again or took a step in that direction. Every time we’re together, I immediately assume a submissive position. But apparently, that’s about to change…

My lover asked me to dominate him, and I’m afraid to disappoint him

A couple of days ago, talking with Mr P. about the research I was doing about the relation between pain and pleasure (for this piece), we talked about the topic, and about the pleasure we both get with pain. We are still testing my limits, but mine are definitely much lower than his. While talking about it, Mr P. asked me to dominate him.

One thing I love about my relationship with him is that we talk so openly about sex. I never had that before, mostly because of me, out of embarrassment. Whatever it was, it’s past; I made myself a promise never to repress my sexual needs and desires again and, for that to happen, I have to communicate.

I loved that Mr P. asked me without fears or restraints to dominate him. I know he would accept a no, but I also know he saw it in me: I can be a dominator.

The thing is, I want to please him, I wish to offer Mr P. an amazing time, the same way he always offers me when we’re in a BDSM scene. Of course, the most important thing is for us to be together, but I can’t help feeling this way: I’m afraid to disappoint him if we switch roles.

Despite hurting him is a concern, it’s not the main one

I’ve used toys on Mr P., I’ve spanked him a bit, and me being a biter, I know his pain threshold is high. Hardly I will cause him “real pain”. And he always stops me when I get too excited with the pinwheel (I love it!), when I play too rough with his nipples, or I bit too hard.

My main concern is not being “good enough”.

I’m very confident with our sex life, we both satisfy the other immensely, either in vanilla sex or after a BDSM scene. But dominating is something new for me, and something he desires. I want him to have the pleasure he wishes.

Mr P. is a BDSM practitioner for about fifteen years, while I’m still a newborn. Besides, since I embraced it, I’ve always been a submissive. Being a very curious person, I ask him a lot about his past experiences with BDSM. He tells me about scenes and places he went, things he did. He has always had an incredible sex life, with female dominators giving him intense provocative pleasure. So, despite knowing that the most important thing is for us to be together, I feel the pressure on me. I’m afraid to disappoint him. And myself.

I’m still learning Mr P.’s boundaries of pain, which is hard because his threshold is high. He keeps saying he will tell me to slow down, or that he’ll pull me away like he does when I get too excited when playing with his nipples. Even so, I feel like I won’t be enough.

After I agreed to dominate him (I would never refuse his request), I told him I’ll need guidance, for him to talk me through it, before we do it. He agreed, of course. But knowing him as I do, I know he will say he’ll tell me to stop if I hurt him, for me just to go with the flow and try the toys on him, that’s the only way to get the sense of it.

I’m aware I might be overthinking the situation, that I need to trust my instincts and listen to Mr P.’s body language, and, above all, to have fun as we always do. Our sex is more than a sexual act: we are together, we like each other, a lot. Having sex is bonding, is an exchange of emotions and pleasures. It’s to feel each other.

Either I’m in a submissive or in a dominator role, the most important thing is our connection.

I know all of that. Even so, I fear to disappoint as a dominator.

Reading suggestions:

Sex
Sexuality
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