My Friend Was Mad at Me for Having a Threesome

Is it trashy to have sex when you have guests over?

I’m extremely open when it comes to sex. That’s made my life a little more interesting, but it also means I don’t have a good barometer for what counts as appropriate.

Obviously, I think it’s fine to leak all the details of my sex life, from front to back, online.

But what about when other people are with you in person. What about when they’re spending the night at your house? What’s the proper sex etiquette in that situation?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since an incident that happened over ten years ago.

Mr. Austin and I were living in a small space, and we had two people staying over that night — a houseguest and a friend of mine who got too drunk and couldn’t drive home.

My drunk friend called it a night and went to another room to sleep.

The rest of us got cozy, and that coziness led to sex.

My friend woke up in the middle of the threesome and we put a stop to our shenanigans. But with me and two other partially dressed fellas staying under our blanket, it was pretty clear what we were up to.

When she went back to sleep, we picked up where we left off, took care of business, and went to sleep ourselves.

The next day, my now sobered up friend was clearly upset with me. As it turns out, she did not manage to go back to sleep when we thought she did — she was way too livid.

I felt guilty about the whole thing, and I know that I would handle the whole situation differently now that I’m older. But I was, and still am, of two minds about what happened.

I should be allowed to have sex in my own home, right? But maybe doing it when she was staying over had crossed some kind of line.

And then there’s the fact that I think she was mostly weird about it because I was having a threesome. She had once offered to wait in our hotel bathroom with her boyfriend so I could fuck a friend-with-benefits I had at the time, but since I was only fucking one FWB, she was highly supportive.

But still, maybe fucking with guests over is trashy, no matter how many people you’re screwing at once.

This has been on my mind because we’re heading into Thanksgiving weekend. And since I have all the kids and traveling is difficult, we tend to play host.

I’m getting a visit from my mother this weekend. She’s not staying the night, but I couldn’t help but wonder if I would have sex with Mr. Austin if she did (well, if it didn’t happen to coincide with the start of my winter, anyway).

Does being a good host mean abstaining? In most cases, I don’t think it does. But there are a few things to consider before deciding to fuck.

Keep It Quiet

I’m a huge advocate for loud, vocal sex. But I’ll make an exception when there are houseguests staying over.

I’m personally not that bothered by hearing people fuck. In fact, I usually like it. It can be amusing or arousing depending on my mood. Mostly, I’m just happy to know people are having a good time.

In fact, I still remember when I was young and I could hear my parents fucking. I turned up the TV in the hope of drowning them out, but that just meant I was hearing two types of noise at once. I wouldn’t say I liked hearing my parents have sex, but there was still a part of me that was happy about it. It was nice to know they still had a sex life, and I remember thinking that I hope I’m still having loud sex when I’m years and years into a marriage. (So far, so good on that front!)

Even though I’m more tempted to grab a glass and listen through the wall than to shove pillows over my ears when hearing someone fuck, I recognize that’s not the case for everyone. So, I try to keep things low-key.

That threesome I mentioned above? It was all whispers and hushed tones. And it didn’t involve penetrative sex, which kept squeaking mattress coils and banging headboards to a strict minimum.

I even make sure to stay discreet in a bigger space. When Mr. Austin attended grad school, we lived in a townhouse. My mother visited one summer and slept on a fold-out couch in our basement. She was sleeping two floors below us but we still made sure we were unobtrusive. We had some very slow and very quiet sex, just in case.

You also don’t have to treat quiet sex as a compromise. Savor it. There are plenty of ways to make silent sex super hot.

Your Relationship to Your Guests Makes a Difference

Who your guests are makes a big difference.

If you’re hosting your BFF and you’re the type of friends who share the intimate details of their sex lives with each other, you might not only fuck your partner but also announce that you’re going to.

With other friendships, it’s a bit of a toss-up. And if your guest is an ex or a former fuck buddy, you’ll have to gauge how they feel about things. Have they moved on and have a comfortable familiarity with your sexuality? Or are they still a bit hung up and would be jealous if they knew you were fucking nearby?

But if it’s your parents or other relatives staying at your house, then you have to consider how much extra awkwardness it would create if they heard you having sex.

How Open and Sex-Positive Are Your Guests?

We have a family friend who we’re fairly close to, but it’s always been an odd friendship because she’s a rather sex-negative person. She is of the opinion that nobody should discuss their sex lives openly (she has no clue what I do for a living), and even after knowing her for years the topic hasn’t come up once.

Needless to say, if she stayed the night at our place, we would most likely abstain from sex. If she learned that we had sex while she was in the house, she would be mortified, not high-fiving us.

On the other hand, we had another friend who was extremely open about sex. He was also a bit of a nudist and he would shed clothes as often as my toddler does.

When he stayed with us for a weekend, we didn’t exercise a lot of caution. We even kept the door open while Mr. Austin went down on me (once the foreplay got going, the door just felt so far away). We knew it wouldn’t bother him to walk in on us (and it might even please him) so we didn’t bother with any extra safeguards.

(He didn’t walk in on us, but he was fully nude in our living room when Mr. Austin went out for a glass of water after, so I guess we were all doing the open door thing that night.)

What’s Your Guest’s Relationship Status?

The sex while hosting question is easiest to answer when your guests happen to be a couple (or a triad or whatever). If they’re spending the night with the person they have sex with, then there’s less risk of them being weird about it or feeling like a third wheel if you decide to put on a Marvin Gaye record and get intimate with your partner.

If they’re single, having sex while they’re in your home is probably no big deal (depending on the factors I mentioned above). But if they’re going through some hard times with a relationship, that’s a lot trickier.

If they’ve just gone through a breakup or a divorce, or they’re going through something like a trial separation or a partner kicking them out of the house after a fight, they probably have a lot of raw feelings, and overhearing someone having sex might feel like a bit of salt in their wounds.

Even in those kinds of cases, your guest might not be upset with you having sex, but it’s a good idea to be as considerate as you can be while they’re going through something.

How Long Are They Staying?

I’ll consider abstaining from sex if my guests are only staying one night, especially since I’ll probably be messing up my entire routine by staying up late to hang out with them.

I won’t hold back for longer stays, though. I only get a few really good super horny days per month, and I don’t want to waste any because someone’s sleeping on my couch for a week.

You have some duties as a host. But when I’m a guest at someone’s home, I try not to disrupt their lives too much, and that goes double for an extended visit. So, I think it’s reasonable to keep having sex and doing a lot of your other regular activities when you have someone staying over for a while.

Are You Trying to Conceive?

In my opinion, trying to conceive trumps everything. Trying to get pregnant is frustrating enough as it is, there’s no need to add a major interruption on top of it.

I’m done having kids, but back when I was trying to conceive, I didn’t mess around with my plan. When I got a positive ovulation test, it was go time. If we had been living in a small apartment and my mother was over, I would’ve still found a way (even if it meant suspending my “no sex in cars” rule for one afternoon).

Don’t Neglect Your Hosting Duties

If you do decide to have sex, it’s best to wait until nighttime or when your guest decides to do some solo sightseeing. Avoid fucking when you’re supposed to be entertaining, cooking, and just generally being a good host.

If you’re really into daytime sex, that might mess up your schedule, but it will save you a lot of awkwardness.

Do You Invite Them to Join You?

If they’re open to it, the best way to make sure your guest doesn’t mind you having sex is to invite them to have sex with you and your partner.

Obviously, that’s a very personal decision, so I won’t dictate what you do. Sometimes, fucking someone makes things more awkward than fucking adjacent to them, so use your discretion.

Say Yes to Sex (Usually)

Overall, I’d say that having sex while you have some guests over is a perfectly acceptable thing to do.

As long as you’re taking all the particulars of the situation into account and you do your best to make sure your guest doesn’t feel excluded (not necessarily by asking them to join) and keep it as discreet as you can without compromising the fun you have, you should have the green light to have sex while you’re playing host.

Having a healthy sex life is compatible with having healthy non-sexual relationships, and you shouldn’t have to compromise one just to sustain the other.

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