Parental Alienation Destroys Childhoods
My Friend Has Three Children, But In Reality, He Has None
Parental Alienation is the worst form of childhood abuse.
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Just recently my friend told me something I just can’t get out of my head. It's not only what he told me that so resonated with me, but also how. At first, I barely heard him, as he spoke so silently as if he was scared of saying these dreadful words out loud, because if he does, then just they might become true.
“You know, Mila…I always wanted to have a family. I wanted to have children. I wanted to be a good husband, a devoted father. I wanted to be the provider for the family, someone they can always lean on and find comfort and support…I have three children and somehow I feel that I have none…”
My friend is an empath.
A few years back he got divorced. He was married for 8 years, and in the last 5 years of his relationship with his ex-wife, their communication and closeness started fading off. He has two boys with her. She too wanted a family, but not with him. She just wanted the kids — not the relationship.
She persuaded him to move from Berlin to a small town in south Germany, just so she can be close to her mum and dad. She stopped working, and my friend was okay with that. After all, he was the provider.
His wife decided it would be good if they would have a flat in Berlin, but live with her parents, under their roof in this little town. He obliged and took a mortgage and got them a spacious apartment in Berlin.
Years went by and his wife along with her parents made more decisions, excluding him and just demanding more money from him.
My friend kept on giving them the money. By doing so he hoped to keep his family. He worked long hours, side gigs and gave money directly to her father.
Later he found out that he was actually paying off her father’s debts, but most importantly he realized that he has been shut out from the family. He was never asked, consulted about any of the decisions and when he tried to communicate with his wife — she ran off to her Mummy and Daddy.
He kept all of these frustrations bottled up inside of him, until one day he could not anymore. He stood up and asked his wife to move away with him and their children back to Berlin — to start again, to seek therapy, to get closer. She refused.
The next day he was informed by her father that it would be best if he would leave, adding that his daughter will be divorcing him.
My friend was devasted. What followed next was months of suicidal thoughts, depression and pure agony.
He left for Berlin and within two months her family pressured him to sell the flat that he bought for her and their children. He didn’t want to go to court, nor he could handle it emotionally or financially. He agreed and sold it. All the money went to her.
From now on he would be seeing his sons, once or twice per month. She refuses to take them to Berlin so he will be embarking on 380 miles journey to see them whenever his finances allow him. He calls, and the phone is turned off. He sends gifts and they are undelivered.
At his lowest point in life, he meets another woman. And just then, he so desperately hopes that his life might just turn around for the better. Unfortunately, it doesn’t. It gets worse.
My friend falls in love with a narcissist, who not only suffer from NPD but also from a borderline personality disorder and OCD. Within the first three months of their relationship, his new partner displays minor traits of the above diagnoses such as jealousy, obsessiveness, black and white thinking and subtle manipulation.
Soon she gets pregnant her true persona comes to life. She beats him, belittles him, isolates him, stops him from communicating with his two children, controls all his finances and entraps him with a promise that she will uphold.
“If you dare to leave you will never see your child again!”
My friend makes a similar mistake again.
He takes another mortgage and buys them a smaller flat, but this time, he doesn’t marry her. This abuse lasts for a year and when he finally reaches the bottom — being punched in the face so hard, that his lips are swallowed, his face scratched and his work computer broken just because he dared to go to the office meeting instead of staying with her and working from home. He gathers the strength and the will to admit that he has become a victim of a toxic abuse relationship and that it will never get better. And with the help of his friends, the family he finally leaves her.
Now my friend lives in his mothers home, while the flat he pays off is empty. His ex-girlfriend demands the flat be sold and half of the money be given to her. She demands spousal support even though she was never his spouse. She demands an unimaginable amount of child support. She demands that he pays her rent.
She calls him 10 days per day and leaves threats.
“You will never get rid of me! Never, you hear me?! Never! I will make the rest of your life a living hell and when our son is older I will tell him all about you!”
My friend sees his baby twice per week. His baby is only 7 months old. His son is innocent. But what awaits this baby?
Parental Alienation.
Parental Alienation Syndrome was first mentioned by child psychiatrist Richard Garner in 1985. It’s when one parent does all in its power to criticize, exaggerate, lie, denigrate the other parent in front of the children causing children to reject the other parent.
Unfortunately, the medical community has rejected the use of the word “syndrome” and the term is not on the official list in the DSM-5 — which is disgraceful!
Thousands of children coming from separated families have been victims of parental alienation and have been raised to hate, disregard the other parent without any justifiable reason. They were brainwashed into believing that one parent is the “monster” while the other is the “saviour”.
Parental Alienation is very hard to prove in court and is very costly, by the time you even prove it, your child could become damaged goods.
So what can people like my friend do?
- When you spend time with your child you need to focus on maintaining a loving, positive and compassionate relationship so the child knows that they are safe with you.
- Never speak about the other parent in a derogatory way. Focus on your child, listen to them, don’t pressure them into speaking when they aren’t willing, just be there for them. Always be even-tempered and keep your emotions under control.
- Keep reassuring your child that they can always speak to you about anything and everything and that you are here for them. Keep telling them how much you love them. Keep showing up. Be always rational and reasonable and have the best interest of the child at your heart.
- Be proactive, if you can and are allowed, seek therapy for your child. Search for a specialist in a PSD and someone who is not affiliated with the alienating parent in any way.
- Be the role model for your kids. Show your children through your actions that you have their best interest as your priority.
- Stay focused and most importantly present when you spend time with your children. Keep calling even when you know that the phone will be hidden, show up at the door even when you know that the other parent has made plans and your child will be made unavailable.
This will be painful but you must and will endure because you must remember that you have the tools to give your child a chance to develop into a healthy adult.
Please don’t care what other people will say, think or do. These are your children and you are their parent. And only you know who are you dealing with when it comes to your ex-partner.
Stay strong and don’t give in. There is a long bumpy and treacherous road ahead of you so you must be physically and mentally prepared to embark on it. At times, you must make your well-being a priority, before helping your children. And that’s okay, don’t be hard on yourself.
Life was never meant to be easy, and it’s not your fault that you’ve ended up in a relationship with a narcissist. But it’s also not your children’s fault. Do your best to help your children grow up and become responsible parents so they don’t repeat their parents' mistakes.
Protect yourself and protect them from any harm, even when it comes to protecting them from their own families.
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If you believe that you or someone you know may be a victim of a Toxic Abusive Relationship seek help today HERE.
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