My Epiphany
Antifragile narcissist survivor made manifest

A good friend asked me last night, “If you were to choose a word or a phrase to describe this year, what would it be?”
Without hesitation, the word Epiphany came out of my mouth. It surprised me. I hadn’t considered that question before that moment. And yet, as I reflect now, Epiphany is the perfect word to describe this year.
For a long time, I was ultra-Catholic. I dove in deep when I was floundering, trying to make sense of what was going on in my life.
By ultra-Catholic I mean Mass every day, confession and spiritual direction with a priest weekly, and about 90 minutes of daily Gospel reading and prayer. I did this for years, as a doctor with five children.
I remember telling the priest I needed God’s grace to give me patience to deal with my life. At that time, I didn’t realize it was abuse. The priest must not have either. He told me tolerating it was my path to Heaven.
(Don’t worry. I left my abusive relationships and the Church.)
I remember with fondness my love of the Christmas season. Two of my children were born near that day — one a week before Christmas and another three weeks after. Sitting in the church pew with my big pregnant belly (my babies were huge!), I could relate to Mary’s journey. It was a very sacred time of year for me.
I also always loved the Feast of the Epiphany, about a week after Christmas, the day commemorating the arrival of the three kings — the manifestation of divinity.
Even so, my subconscious choice of the word Epiphany surprised me. I left the Church about 8 years ago.
Yet, when I look back on this year, there is no better word.
In 2018, I left my successful medical practice and medical directorships to follow my Why, to help change the world. (That’s an interesting story for another article.)
I became an expert in trauma, not only understanding it, but extracting it from the physical and energetic being. I wrote books about releasing trauma and its manifestations (fatigue, insomnia, stress, anxiety, overwhelm, chronic pain, etc). I created resources to help empaths relieve stress, help busy people expand rather than manage their time, programs to help people align with their Why, services to help people gain clarity (I connect deeply to my Soul and the Souls of others and can get really clear, really fast). I even spoke at Harvard in 2018 about Aligning with Why.
None of it landed.
My career change wasn’t driven by money. It was driven by a desire to share my love with the world, to help them heal their trauma, to help them rise up and live their Why — because wouldn’t the world be an awesome place if everyone could shed their pain and trauma and stand up and live their Why?
It was so painful to have knowledge and wisdom to share, yet no one interested. I knew they were in pain. I knew there was so much more available to them, and yet they couldn’t see what was possible. Those I did help were very appreciative and became loyal fans. There weren’t many of them.
I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on business coaches, copywriting, ads, and ad management. It was hard not to feel like something was really wrong with me –that I couldn’t make this work.
I was also evolving quickly. I knew that the orange, finite platform mindset preached by the coaches would not work for me now on the infinite platform. (I could talk spiral dynamics and finite/infinite platform for days. Another time…)
This year, everything shifted.
I truly learned the meaning of internal abundance. More importantly, I started living it. I no longer feel defined by how much income I have in a month, how much money I have in the bank, or even how much debt I have leveraged. I have let go of my former scarcity beliefs that tied those things to my self-worth.
I also made a major leap in healing my narcissistic abuse. I’d thought I’d completed the five steps, but there was more. I discovered internal abundance refers to everything, not just money. I let go of the fear I had of sharing my story, the fear from the threats I’d received, the fear of not being believed (flying monkeys are powerful people), and the fear that I was completely ineffective at getting in front of the people who need me.
I realized that the voice in my head that was talking crap was gaslighting me. It wasn’t true.
This summer and early fall my fear that I am a narcissist peaked. If you are a survivor, you know what I’m talking about. Where it used to kick up about once a month, it started kicking up a few times per day.
I remember standing in a parking lot talking to my husband the first weekend in October. We had spent much of our 90-minute drive talking about my urge to start a movement to end narcissism. It was so compelling. I HAD to do it.
I was tearful, telling him that this was how I was called to change the world. I told him that if I spent every penny from my retirement accounts starting this movement and didn’t make a dime, it would be worth it.
He agreed. Can I just say this man is amazing?
I also told him that I felt I was being asked by God to develop a sense of self so strong that if all 8 billion people on this planet including him were unable to see the truth of who I am, I would be okay because I know who I am. Talk about internal abundance. That day was the last day I asked myself if I am a narcissist.
I realized then that I had actually become antifragile. Through challenges and adversity, I gain.
I launched this movement the night before my 50th birthday in October.
I had brief moments of fear to work through. I had never publicly shared my story. In six weeks, I had about 500,000 content views across all platforms. Holy cow!
The results have been beyond my wildest imagination. The comments, the feedback, the questions, the followers on several platforms. I am truly humbled.
If I won the lottery tomorrow, I wouldn’t stop. I genuinely want to help each and every one of you.
Just recently, I started getting requests for help. A few wanted help with fatigue and other physical symptoms of their abuse. Wait! I wrote a book series a few years ago on that. Others reached out with great difficulty handling their stress. I’ve got an online toolkit for that. Others wanted help extracting their trauma. I offer group sessions to do that weekly.
Every single thing I have created over the years, every product or service that has flopped, brings value to those suffering from narcissistic abuse. None of those efforts were wasted.
I was following my guidance and building for years before I saw the big picture. Now I do.
I am a narcissist victim who has healed and become antifragile. Now I am helping others do the same.
It’s interesting. The word Epiphany means a moment of sudden revelation or insight. I’ve certainly had many of those this year.
Even more interesting, it means a manifestation of a divine or supernatural being. In clearing out the remnants of fear and former gaslighting, and in developing a solid belief around the truth of who I am, my divine essence has been revealed — that which connects me to God, that which connects me to you, that which connects me to the world.
This year was an Epiphany.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Am I a Narcissist? and What is it like being in a long-term relationship with a narcissist?
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