My Depressing Experience With One Sided Love | PART 2

Why one sided love is literal torture and what my experience has taught me.

Earlier this week, I shared my personal, painful and somewhat embarrassing experience on falling deeply in love with a happily married man.

I found myself contemplating… should I write a Part 2?

The following thoughts ensued. ‘I am humiliating myself… Do I really want to humiliate myself a second time?’ ‘He was 10 years my senior. It was never going to work… let him go. Don’t write another article about him.’

But this pain is real. And I truly believe that writing is a form of therapy, so here we are.

Joel was his name. Still to this day, there is quite literally, not a moment that passes where I do not think of him. For the past few months, every time I caught myself thinking about Joel, I purposely distracted myself with diverted thoughts.

‘Oh no, I am thinking about him again. I can feel the pain in my throat. Quick. Let’s make a mental shopping list’.

Silly, but effective.

So, it is quite ironic that I am writing another article about him, where I am forced to think of… only him. But I need to vent. And I need to heal.

In my first post, I failed to mention how our relationship began — keeping in mind that this relationship was one sided. Joel only ever saw me as a platonic friend.

A Beautiful Heart

As stated in Part 1, Joel was my work colleague. And for a period of time, I only ever viewed him as a friend. After some months, I realised what a beautiful heart he had. Oh god, as I type this, I can physically feel the pain in my heart again.

OK, I seriously need to get a grip. Let’s continue.

It was the small gestures that made all the difference. For instance, I recall making a passing comment about how much I loved chocolate Maltesers. If you are not an Australian reader, you may need to google this magnificent chocolate creation and order yourself a box.

Fast forward a couple of months to my birthday, he approached my office desk and excitedly threw a large packet of chocolate Maltesers (coupled with a dreadful self-made ribbon) towards my direction.

Joel yelled, ‘Your favourite right? Have a jolly birthday!’

This simple act of kindness melted my heart. It had been months, yet… he remembered. He remembered my birthday. And he remembered my favourite chocolate.

I know what you’re thinking. ‘This woman seriously fell in love with a man, because he remembered her… favourite chocolates?’

No. This was one of Joel’s many, countless gestures that showcased his thoughtfulness towards others. It was merely one of the very many reasons why I grew to love him. Beyond this, he was genuine, honest, caring and selfless.

Everybody loved Joel. Everybody.

Joel was not afraid of displaying his emotions. A quality that many women may agree, is quite difficult to find in a man. When I experienced hardships and losses in my life, Joel would always reassure me. I recall him promising, with empathetic water filled eyes…

“I am here Indigo. I will always be here for you”.

And he meant it. I had no chance. Joel had my heart.

Saying Goodbye

I never mentioned the final interaction between Joel and I. Three days before relocating interstate, he returned to work to say his goodbyes.

I purchased a bottle of wine, a gift voucher and a card for him. Writing his card was excruciating. I was torn between writing a heart felt card that reflected how much I was going to miss him, or a surface level, ‘Good luck on your future endeavours!’ generic type card.

I did not want to appear weak or... pathetic. Alas, I decided to keep the card fairly casual. Almost uncaring.

The card I gave Joel read as follows (verbatim):

“Dear Joel,

Thank you for a great last few years. I wish you and your beautiful family well. Thank you for all of the memories and for being a great friend and support system. Keep in touch.

From Indigo”

If I were being my complete, honest and authentic self, in an idealistic world, where pouring your emotions out had no true repercussions, this is what I would have LIKED to write:

“Dearest Joel,

Where do I start? Let’s start with the truth.

I have fallen so deeply and irrevocably in love with you. You are a happily married man who I know, has not given me a second thought. You view me as a platonic friend and 5 years from now, you will probably forget about my existence, even though we agreed to remain in contact.

This is an inevitable reality that I have accepted. But it still hurts.

Ever since you informed me of your decision to relocate, I was devastated. And I hate myself for letting myself fall for you. I tried to fight it because I knew how outrageous it was.

It started as a harmless crush. But once I found myself thinking about you every moment of every single day, I realised you meant so much more to me than what I was telling myself.

You told me that you were my biggest fan. You told me, in passing and indifferently, that you loved me. You told me that you would always be here for me. You told me that you cared about me. You told me that you worried about me. You told me that I was one of a kind.

And you told me all of this, from your viewpoint, as a platonic friend.

You see Joel, you are more than just ‘a friend’. And you will always be more than just, ‘a friend’. It is embarrassing. I am embarrassed. You have a wife for crying out loud, who I have met… on multiple occasions. You are both a match made in heaven.

And I have always known that, never in a million years, would we surpass anything more than a friendship. But a part of me did not care. Seeing you, spending time with you, and learning more about you, was enough.

My heart breaks because I know I will most likely, never see you again. My heart breaks because I know we will eventually become strangers. And a portion of me believes that your departure, is perhaps for the better? At least that’s what the logical part of my brain is working ever so hard to convince me. I hope, for my sake… that your abrupt absence from my life will help me heal.

Thank you Joel, for showing me firsthand that wonderful men exist. You will always hold a truly special place in my heart.

Love from, Indigo”

Wow. That really was therapeutic. Thanks Medium.

For now, I will make a vow to myself — I will close this chapter for the sake of my heart and sanity. Let’s hope I never feel inclined to write a Part 3.

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