My Depressing Experience With One Sided Love | Try Not To Fall In Love With A Married Man

Have you ever been irrevocably heartbroken? Let’s heal together.

Truthfully, I was so incredibly heart broken by this man, the whole ordeal caused me to experience physical pain.

Pain in my chest. Pain in my throat. Literal pain in the temples of my head. I could not eat. I could not sleep. I had no drive. My daily routines were impeded by my thoughts of him.

Oh, the joy and never ending glories of heartbreak.

My Story

The worst of it? He never knew I loved him. Why? He was happily married… with a child.

Let us call him Joel.

Joel was 10 years my senior. A work colleague. Kind. Funny. Loving. Genuine. Empathetic. Handsome. Had a phenomenal sense of humour. And most importantly, he possessed a heart of gold.

Joel’s personality traits ticked all of my boxes — a true rarity in this world.

I often found myself pondering, if he were 10 years younger… and single… would things be different? How embarrassing for me — yearning over an older married man.

Too Hard To Date

I cringed at myself. I still cringe at myself. I cringe that I shed and am still shedding tears over this man.

I cringe that I am writing this article about him. I cringe that for the past two and a half years, I have continued to develop true feelings for him, knowing he was and still is married.

I cringe thinking about the dates that I have been on, and how I would unkindly find myself silently comparing my dates to Joel.

Kill me now… my date is so boring. Why couldn’t he be more like Joel? This date feels so dry. If Joel were here, undoubtedly, he would’ve made me laugh. This guy does not understand my sense of humour… Joel would’ve. I would be having a much better time if Joel were here instead. I am aware that this article may deem me as an unlikable person. These were merely thoughts. Unfair? Yes.

But I knew that there would and could only ever be one outcome — disappointment. Because… Joel. Was. Married.

When I love, I love hard. And I loved Joel for many reasons. He was the first man who truly cared about me. Platonically. He complimented me. Platonically. He told me he loved me (in a passing, nonchalant type of manner). Platonically. He valued my opinions.

I was vulnerable with him. I felt safe. He was the first man I ever felt safe with. Truly safe. I felt protected. He was always there for me. Truly there. I knew I could lean on him.

Contrary to what you may believe, I am not stupid.

I was aware of my reality. I still am. I knew our relationship was merely a friendship. I never crossed any barriers. If he ever knew how I felt? Surprised would be an understatement.

I hid my feelings well. What other choice did I have? It was a harmless crush that progressed into… well this. Circumstances are now changing. He is leaving my life for good.

Joel is moving interstate.

Leaving For Good

Yes, we are surrounded by technology and social media platforms enabling social connection. However, seeing and interacting with Joel daily compared to a sporadic message here and there… are two very different realities.

Facing the reality of not seeing him anymore is soul crushing. I feel heartbroken. Heartbroken due to not only experiencing the loss of a friendship, but companionship and… love.

Love that would have never developed beyond a platonic friendship. Love that would have amounted to nothing.

But I am grateful for Joel. He taught me the importance of transparency. He showed me that I can trust and love again — even from afar. Conflictedly, I am heartbroken.

Loving a man who does not love you back, or in my tragic case, secretly loving a married man who so evidently does not love you back, will never result in a happy ending.

But truthfully, I have concluded that I would prefer to have loved in secret, than to have not experienced love at all.

Arrivederci, Joel.

Part 2:

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