Summary

The author grapples with complex emotions, including a sense of relief, following the death of their father after a prolonged illness.

Abstract

The author's father passed away after a challenging battle with cancer, which had returned aggressively. Despite efforts to extend his life, including multiple medical procedures, he succumbed to complications. The author, who had been caring for their father in his final days, experiences a mix of sadness and relief. They feel relief that their father is no longer suffering, that the daily struggle with food is over, and that they can return to their own life. However, this relief is accompanied by shame, as the author struggles to reconcile these feelings with the loss they have endured. The experience has underscored the preciousness of life and the inevitability of death, prompting a reflection on living life fully.

Opinions

The author acknowledges the difficulty of watching a loved one suffer and die, despite the anticipation of the event.
There is a sense of guilt associated with feeling relief after the father's death, which the author is trying to come to terms with.
The repetitive and unappetizing nature of the specially prepared pureed meals for the father is highlighted as a source of mental struggle for the author.
The father's strong willpower is noted, as he continued to fight and express a desire to live longer to see his great-grandchildren.
The author emphasizes the importance of cherishing life and living it fully in the face of the inevitability of death, inspired by the father's passing.

Life |It Happened To Me|Death

My Dad Died, Why Do I Feel This Conflict?

Part of Me Feels Ashamed Because I Also Feel a Sense of Relief

Dad in his younger days — a family man — there’s something special about old black and white photos— © Image by author

“Death ends a life, not a relationship” Mitch Albom

My dad died. The reality is still sinking in. Even though I knew it was going to happen, now that it has, I am left with a mixture of emotions that I am struggling to reconcile.

Does anyone else feel this way when they lose someone close to them?

I have spoken of my dad’s illness and the challenges this presented here. He had been living cancer-free for 10 years, as he had beaten esophageal cancer once before until it returned in December 2021. This time he was much older at 82 years. It also came back with a vengeance, affecting his ability to do the most basic of things to sustain life, eat food.

By this stage, Dad was living alone in New Zealand. We had lost our mum two years ago and had coped with loss across the miles. With no other family to support him, I did not hesitate, I arranged to travel to New Zealand from the UK in March 2022. My sister in Spain and brother in Canada arranged to travel too. This was not straightforward either. We had to apply for special permission to enter New Zealand as the borders were still closed due to the pandemic.

My arrival was timely as my dad then underwent four separate medical procedures attempting to place a metal stent in his esophagus to try to keep his food pipe open and allow him to eat. If this worked this would have bought him more time, months, maybe even a year if he was really lucky.

Unfortunately, none of these procedures were successful. He ended up with a double stent placed in his esophagus. The second stent was placed to try to cover up a tear that was found whilst placing the first stent. Maybe this tear or fistula occurred during the procedures or it might have been there before, we will never know, but it then caused further problems. This tear meant every time he tried to eat food, some of the food or drink would leak out into the windpipe and into his lungs.

The doctors told us that in itself would be fatal. They said if his cancer doesn’t kill, then a lung infection would instead.

There was nothing more they could do for dad. After a two-week hospital stay, he was sent home to spend his remaining days.

After this, he was never back to himself again. He had lost a lot of weight in that short space of time, due to the procedures he had, he was usually nil by mouth and then after, he would have a small soft portion of food to test the procedure’s success. He was much weaker. Thinner. Frailer.

Food soon became a daily challenge. Each spoonful caused him to cough. Each cough meant that something was leaking into his lungs. With the risk of infection.

We had to specially prepare all of dad’s food. Everything had to be pureed. I don’t know if you can imagine eating the same type of food for almost 6 weeks? His usual meal consisted of mashed potato, pureed carrot, and pureed chicken or meat. Then soup for dinner. Every day.

This was a typical meal we prepared, a scoop of mashed potato, chicken puree, and carrot puree — © image by author

I struggled mentally to prepare the same meal daily. It did not look appetizing no matter what we tried to do. Dad however was determined and wanted to try to gain some weight, somehow, he would force himself to eat. His willpower was still strong. He wanted a bit more time. He wanted to see his great-grandchildren and another one that was on the way. Life becomes precious the closer you come to the end.

Over the next eight weeks, he continued to decline. He lost weight. He became a fraction of his old self.

My dad died at the end of May 2022. In the two weeks prior, he started to slip away more and more. He came out of his room less and less. Soon he was in bed for most of the day. Then the final days came. The hospice supported us to take care of him. Managing his pain relief and keeping him comfortable at home.

To watch someone you love die, is hard.

After caring for him for almost two months, and it was expected, when it happened, it still left me staggering.

I felt a mixture of sadness and but also of relief.

Relief that he is no longer in pain.

Relief that he is no longer having to struggle through each day.

Relief that he no longer has to eat that food anymore.

Relief that I no longer had to worry about him from across the world.

Relief that I can go back to my life.

This last one caused me to feel ashamed.

Ashamed because I feel this way. I question myself for feeling this way. I feel upset for feeling this way. I am sad he is gone but relief still washes over in waves, spreading over in shame.

Whilst I know that time will help me reconcile the conflicting emotions that I am feeling, losing my dad also reminds me of the importance of not wasting another moment of this precious thing called life.

Death comes to all of us, that is one certainty about life. When you watch someone close to you die, it makes you realize your finality even more. Facing loss, really hits home, that you only have one life to live. You need to live it fully, every single day.

A shoutout to Janet Meisel for her touching poem “A Goodbye in the Night Hours”

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