Coping With Loss of A Mother From Opposite Ends of the World

I never imagined that it would end this way

In June 2020, I lost my mum. I know the loss of a mother is a common experience, but let me tell you what was different.

You will recall wherever you were living in the world that there was a global pandemic (there still is) with lockdowns effective in many countries at the time.

This was significant because I live in the UK and my parents were in New Zealand.

We couldn’t physically be any further apart (well we could if I lived in Spain like my sister because that is the furthest place from New Zealand).

I never thought it would end this way you see.

My friends always asked me if I had thought ahead and what I would do now that my parents were getting elderly. They were in their early 80’s by this time.

Our family was scattered around the world. With me in the UK, my sister in Spain, and my brother in Canada. Our younger sister had been living in New Zealand, but we lost her too several years ago, and that is another story.

Hence my parents had been alone in New Zealand.

Now, Dad was alone in New Zealand.

I remember the call that night like it was yesterday. It still haunts me. It was 3 am UK time but 3 pm for him.

“Mum’s gone” was all he could manage.

The ambulance paramedic took over and explained that my mother had passed due to heart failure. It was sudden. Quick. They told me she didn’t suffer. I guess they were trying to soften the pain.

At that moment, all I could think was I am halfway across the world and Dad is on his own without Mum.

Let’s get back to my answer to my friends about what I would do.

I always told them that the world is closer than ever before. It was after all a 24-hour journey from the UK to New Zealand and I could be there at a moment’s notice.

I had never accounted that there would be a pandemic. Who would have?

That New Zealand’s borders would be closed.

That there were very limited flights happening.

And the reality that when I needed to, I could not get across to the other end of the world.

A Funeral Across the Miles

(Technology can allow connection at a time of need)

I was not able to attend my mother’s funeral.

I cannot describe how that feels.

Not to be able to be there at that moment.

We had no choice. (we = my siblings and I)

Due to the closed borders in New Zealand, we first had to apply for a visa to travel there.

At a time of grief, we sat filling in paperwork and forms with mundane questions.

At a time of numbness, it all seemed so surreal.

We never thought it would be this way.

Somehow, we had to find a way to support our father from across the world.

Daily. Twice daily calls or more were necessary to talk to him. Offer what comfort we could.

We took care of the funeral planning from afar.

Communicating with the funeral home and the priest. Mum was Catholic and she would have wanted to have a church service.

All I could say is thank goodness for technology as this helped to make the process more painless if a funeral planned from afar can ever be painless.

We recorded our Eulogy to be played on the video screen. It was our only way of being there but not being physically present.

We helped to plan the service. The songs. The readings. The tributes.

We tried to take as much burden off Dad because we could not be there for him in any other way.

I hate you Coronovirus — I really hate you!!

The service was live-streamed. We stayed up at midnight in the UK it was midday in New Zealand.

We watched as our father sat almost alone in the church just a few friends and family who could make it.

It broke my heart to watch from afar, but it would have broken my heart even more not to have been a part of it.

More Paperwork and Finally I Can Travel

(Your emergency visa has been approved)

That was the subject line of the email I had been waiting for.

It arrived two weeks after the funeral.

Each day I checked. Then checked again.

And again, in case somehow, I missed it.

You never know what grief can do to you.

You forget things. You can’t remember things. You miss things.

Due to the pandemic, the borders in New Zealand were closed.

There were restrictions as to which countries were allowing transit.

Travelling suddenly became extremely complicated.

During all this, I had to travel to the other end of the world.

Whichever route I took, the journey was going to be difficult. Flight choices were sparse.

There were few options available.

In fact, I had no choice.

You don’t when death is involved.

I never imagined that this would have been my journey in the middle of a pandemic.

Travel across the world was not easy.

A funeral across the world was even harder.

The loss of my mum was the worst to bear.

It is difficult when we lose those we love, and why I share this story to Starting Over.

I will also be sharing the story of what it was like to travel across the world during a pandemic and about my two weeks stay in managed isolation in Auckland before I could finally be reunited with my father.

Thank you for reading.

By signing up with this link you’ll support me directly with a portion of your fee, it won’t cost you more.

Support me by buying me a delicious coffee!