My Anaconda Don’t

My introduction to the term anaconda.

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know a lot about music, especially modern music in the pop, dance, electronic, and hip hop genres. And I know even less about celebrity gossip. These things generally aren’t any interest to me so I avoid them.

Sometimes I’ll have heard songs because they’re constantly played in stores and coffee shops. But I usually have no idea who’s singing that song that’s everywhere.

I remember calling a friend while I was in a dressing room and held up my phone so she could tell me who was singing that damned “Poker Face” song that was in three stores as I tried to find pants. She laughed and told me Lady Gaga. Ah, so that’s the Gaga. Got it.

And yes, I do know there are apps that can help me with finding artists and song titles. But I just don’t care enough about most songs to bother. This was an extreme example because the song seemed to be haunting my pants-buying experience. Generally, though, I take the stance that ignorance is bliss.

So I have a general idea about the types of music out there, but I don’t explore new music like I used to. I know what I like and tend to stick with it, only branching out when a friend recommends something.

But, for some reason, I’ve become addicted to Rihanna. So addicted. I pretty much exclusively listen to her music when I’m writing. I don’t know what it is, but she’s been my writing soundtrack for months. She’s my writing fuel. I love her.

I was sitting in the library yesterday and put on a random Rihanna playlist on YouTube. I usually just search for one and hope for the best.

And I must’ve reached the end of the Rihanna songs because all of a sudden “Anaconda” came on and I nearly choked on the words I was typing.

This was most definitely not Rihanna.

I somehow did know about this song but never really thought too much about it. I mean, what was there to think about? Butts and anacondas. Pretty straightforward, right?

But because it interrupted my writing flow to the point where I stopped writing to watch eight seconds of the video then quickly clicked off it (enough was enough!), it obviously struck a chord with me.

A day later, that song is still in my head.

And then I started wondering about the term anaconda. Is that really a term people use in real life to describe a penis or was it a Sir Mix-A-Lot special?

I have to add this. It’s the best comment about Baby Got Back on YouTube:

I took to searching Google again (yes, I spend way more time Googling random things than I should. But who doesn’t? I figure I might as well make a post of my findings because someone else might want to know this. Or not!) to find out the origins of anaconda = penis.

My Google search was “when did anaconda become a euphemism for penis?”

The first thing I found out is that anaconda isn’t just any old larger-than-life penis. It’s a big black cock (or BBC, I believe it’s called in the erotica world). Huh. All right.

Urban Dictionary is always a fun, usually NSFW place to “research” and didn’t disappoint:

The top definition made me snort I was laughing so hard:

Please note the bottom in green: “Get a anaconda mug for your guy Rihanna.” I laughed even harder at that. But yet I think Rihanna would appreciate it for some strange reason.

Farther down the page was this gem:

Now that lynx wings points it out, I’m completely in agreement. How is being squeezed to death by a penis even remotely erotic? Maybe it is to some people. But just as eggplant emojis do not inspire erotic thoughts in me, same with the sex with an anaconda reference.

Also, who’s my mate Helena? I do wonder about these ads sometimes. Don’t worry, my guy Rihanna, I’m not cheating on you with Helena!

My next Google hit of interest was a site I’ve never seen: UrbanThesaurus.com:

This is where I learned new terms for dick, like “hugecucumber,” “manaconda,” “vagaconda” (I don’t even get this, but I’m also grateful there are no pictures), and “dillywang.” Do people actually use any of these? smh

The next link I found was on Vice, which asks the very important question: “How Big of a Dick Are We Talking on Nicki Minaj “Anaconda,” Anyway?”:

While I can’t agree that the song is pretty great (awful earworm is more like it), I absolutely love this line: ““Anaconda” gets right to the point, and the point is butts.”

Yes, the song Anaconda is about butts. And BBCs.

I loved the shout-out to Toronto in the Vice article, even if the Drake/Nicki Minaj reference flew past me.

Who knew there were so many phallic-shaped buildings around? And truly, which tower most resembles Michael’s dick? Things we may never know if Minaj ain’t tellin’.

Two sites that I most certainly didn’t bookmark to refer to for years to come:

Are there really that many different names for dicks? I don’t know if it’s impressive or tiresome. Probably a bit of both.

While I didn’t discover the true etymological beginnings of anaconda = dick, I think I’m done with dick for the night.

If you’d like to read another funny trip down the Google rabbit hole, here’s my search for Erotica Canadiana:

And here’s my journey into learning that men pee differently in Germany:

And also, please remember to clear your browser history after reading this:

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