ZOOMING
Mudditor Minutes 6 Dec 2021
When pirates meet on zoom
We couldn’t wait for the Mudditor’s call to start today. Our senses of humor were so fired up we made Zoom waiting room jokes in Slack. Cap’n was late because she was caught up swashbuckling with scallywags. We entertained ourselves while we waited. Andrew Rodwin, Emoji Trapper commenced the comedy opening act.
[Editors linger in the Zoom waiting room. Carol is off-stage, looking for directions. Susan is directing a different show.]
Andrew, impatient: Hey, how come this waiting room doesn’t have magazines? We need a better lobby. Let’s get a coffee urn or something. Maybe a little elevator music.
Sarah, on-point: I’m looking for a December 1991 issue of Highlights here, people!
Gary, jet-lagged: I remember the Dec 1991 Highlights, it had a “Find the Pictures in the Picture” of a crow eating roadkill, and all the images you were searching for were BDSM sex toys. Oh, innocence.
Holly, on-task: I wonder if Susan can assign co-host Zooming ability in advance so we can start w/o her when this happens?
Andrew, reminiscent: Sarah, if you find one, can I read Goofus and Gallant?
Susan Brearley finally let us into the Zoom room with the usual excuses about her tardiness. She wasn’t busy enough being Editor in Chief of four publications, captaining ships, overseeing a womxn’s networking site, and hosting an Airbnb — so Susan became a full-time student again, pursuing two additional degrees. I don’t know how many degrees she already holds. Susan is earning as many degrees and certifications as possible so she can charge the big bucks for ‘coaching and shit.’
Blah, Blah, Blah. My coffee was still steeping in the french press so I was only pretending to listen.
Susan exited stage right to meet with fancy-pants PhD people. She hoped to convince them not to expect her to do additional work. We helped brainstorm opening lines to get the PhDs off her back. Although their effectiveness was TBD, we were confident in the funny-factor of our suggestions.
Our backup zoom host, Baskerville Old Face, took the reins. He asked if we were doing anything fun. Some of us are just drinking coffee and trying to survive! An insufferable braggart, BOF always comes up with lead-ins to boast about the fun things he’s doing, such as musical performances. His current challenges include trying to memorize song lyrics in Spanish and Latin with his self-proclaimed ‘old man brain.’
As it turns out, BOF wasn’t the only one having fun this week. Gary Chapin partied hard for his birthday and took a redeye flight home. Oh, I was thinking his eyes were bloodshot for more nefarious reasons. Gary proclaimed it was the funnest birthday he’s had in years — or decades. His chronological age is unknown but my estimate is somewhere between 22 and 92. All I know for sure is, Gary’s mind is young. Based on his growing collection of butt stories, this Brudditor’s mental age is a youthful 12.
On the topic of age, Rachael Ann Sand declared she is ageless. Carol Lennox agreed age is a state of mind and insisted she is definitely not old when BOF made a comment about being old. I found a potentially contradictory age reference in Carol’s story about surviving the brutal weather-induced power outage in Texas last year. Apparently she’s ‘older’ and yet ‘not old.’ Whether or not she’s an elder, Carol earned my respect for fighting back against BOF’s oppressive, ageist comments.
- Carol waffles between saying she is ‘not old’ and saying she is ‘older’
- BOF is decidedly old and no one disagrees
- Rachael’s spirit is ageless — it has always been and will always be
- Other Mudditors commented on age and I pretended to listen
- We often rib BOF and hope his sense of humor holds up in his old age
Talking about memorization and brain health, we recalled a poem. Even BOF could recite it with his fuzzy, aged memory:
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair If Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair He wasn’t fuzzy, was he?
Eventually, we talked about weather. As stereotypically mundane as talking about the weather may be, we made it interesting — really! When Rachael said the current air temp in her city is 4°F and windchill is -18, Amy declared it was colder than the balmy 11°F in Antarctica. Admittedly, I didn’t verify Amy’s information, nor did I check to see if the windchill in Antarctica was lower. Instead, I broadcast to the world, “My neighborhood is colder than Antarctica! Top that, you warm-weather wimps!”
Susan reappeared and informed us she still isn’t busy enough and intends to become recertified to sail big ships. She’s tired of people thinking her title of Captain is fictional, or perhaps delusional. Amy Sea questioned, “Is MuddyUm a front for a sailors’ club, or drug dealers?” This quandary went suspiciously unanswered. Gary asserted, “The cargo hold is the rectum of the boat.” We never get through a meeting without at least three butt references.
Remaining notes in bullet point form, because this is getting long — that’s what she said
- There was talk about our pet peeves as editors. Basically, entitled whining. The best take-away is Gary’s quote, “There are better pets than peeves”
- MWC contest discussion. ICYMI, the winner will be rewarded a booty of gold galleons with a currency exchange rate of approximately $6 USD
- Decades ago, Susan’s ultrasound tech said she should have interviewed potential fathers about their birth weight to avoid birthing a giant baby
- We talked about onboarding new pirates. Gary worked on Outlaws 101 and Holly J See has created a list. Different brains learn differently
- What illicit items are stored in our cargo hold/rectum? Redefine illicit — funny in bottles. Imagine bottles of butt jokes, bottles of pet jokes, etc
- Various dogs came on screen and at least one cat. At some point during the pet parade, Gary’s gem was repeated, “There are better pets than peeves”
- Sarah Paris wished she could pet all the dogs. She left the meeting because it was too much of a tease to look into their puppy-dog eyes
- Carol’s son wants a remote control to mute her. Amy wants remote controls for many folks in her life this week. Consider yourself prompted
We wanted to ensure our favorite quotes and shared links from the meeting would be preserved before we ended the call. The Captain came to our rescue! Susan revealed she has been saving our Zoom chat transcripts. Look for the book in Spring 2022. Secrets will be revealed. You’ll find out who has hemorrhoids and so much more. To date, Gary has refused to sign the NDA.