Mothers, Stop Guilt-Tripping Your Kids

They don’t need to know your problems.

I started writing about motherhood as a way to normalise the good, the bad, and the ugly.

It is highly glorified in the media and in society. We are given this image of a goddess of a mother who bosses an amazing career while still finding time to breastfeed her baby and go to her older son’s football games, all while somehow, the house remains spotless.

This picture is false. It is misleading and it is conditioning girls to aspire to be something that doesn’t align with their desires. It is also assuming that achieving this supermum look will bring happiness. Only the bar seems to be incredibly high and often we are left feeling unfulfilled when we don’t meet the standards set by this image.

I started writing about the negative effects that motherhood has had on me as a way to normalise it in all its forms. I wrote about the struggles I went through as my identity changed, the sleep-deprivation, the fear of failure, and the guilt I felt continuously.

Motherhood, especially in the beginning, is exhausting, and not just “I’m exhausted after a day’s work” exhausting, but mind numbingly shattering.

Will My Son Approve?

But I hadn’t thought about the effects this might have on my son and other children. What if he stumbled upon some of my articles when he’s older and he learns of the times that he made my blood boil, and he starts feeling guilty?

Would he feel like he burdened me?

I realised that by putting so much weight on the negative side of motherhood, I might be somehow conditioning him to grow up feeling guilty about how he affected my life.

Yes, being a mother is exhausting, and being a mother is hard. But I feel this need to ensure that when my son eventually and inevitably comes across my content, he doesn’t feel insecure about how his existence made his mother feel.

While I feel it is vital to talk about all sides of parenting, I need to put things right for my son and any subsequent children I may have. They are not problems that must be solved.

They are people that need help growing up.

Therefore I would never want them to feel responsible or liable for my problems. That is why I had to write about how my anger stems from my life and my past issues — not his.

That is why I had to be clear that I felt guilt and fear of failure because I want to make sure my kids are set up for life, not because I need to share my problem with them and they need to make it right.

My Son Is Not My Possession

Sometimes the use of language is toxic. The fact that Andriel is part of my blood and DNA does not make him my possession to control. I don’t want him to grow up thinking his purpose for living was to fulfil me. It’s the other way around.

I will joke about how I am his servant, but to an extent, there is some truth to it. He can’t wash his clothes at the shy age of 2. I wouldn’t expect him to whip up a 3-course meal for us until he is able to cook — and even then, it would only be to teach him how to cook, which is another valuable asset to have when you go out into the big wide world.

We, as parents, are supposed to do everything for our kids, and we are not supposed to throw any of it in their faces later. So, when I started to feel as if I needed to do more than “just” be a parent, I could not let that emotion reach my son’s radar for the issue was rooted inside of me, not him.

Also, I have said my son is my inspiration. But equally, this is wrong because this should not condition my son into feeling like that is his purpose. I might go as far as admitting that I have used him to entertain others because he is truly hilarious, but I cannot let that influence his own character-forming.

I don’t want him to feel like I expect him to inspire me when he grows up. I don’t want to unknowingly manipulate him into feeling like he has to entertain anyone, for that matter, even if he has a tendency to seek an audience today. I want to make sure that I am bouncing off of him, not moulding him, in those creative areas. If anything, since his parents are the closest beings to him, I hope we are inspiring him positively.

I Am Not His Problem

And I will not guilt-trip Andriel or any of my future children into feeding my emotions, because I will not be their problem.

My mother used to say to me as a child if I asked a very personal question, usually about bills and finances, “never you mind”. I understand why today. She did not want me to worry about adult problems. No child should ever feel their parents’ negative emotions of stress or worry. Their issues were none of my business.

It is not my son’s job to comfort me when I’m sad, nor will it ever be his job to provide for me or his dad.

He will have his own problems to worry about and our job is to equip him with the tools and resources to solve them himself. For that, we need to show that we can handle our own issues.

Love Doesn’t Always Breed Love

I have written about the love I feel for my son. The love I have grown for myself, even, and the inspiration that Andriel is on me to live life to the fullest.

I’ve written about how he as a human being is the most amazing guy I have ever laid eyes on and how I don’t ever want to let him go. It is overwhelming, to say the least, and makes everything seem worth it when fully embraced.

I realised that the more negative articles about motherhood and parenting got more attention than the positive ones. For some reason, writing about how much I love my baby and how perfect he is, gains little to no interest.

I guess most mothers feel this love for their kids. It is assumed and expected, and thus less interesting to read about, even though it is the most special kind of love.

People might give more weight to the negative side of parenthood because of a necessity to feel acknowledged and/or validated as parents who struggle. And I am all for this — that is why I write about it. This is the more realistic picture of parenting.

But it saddens me that celebrating my child may even bring about the opinion that I’m a smug parent, and that people care less about the love we feel for our children, and would rather relate to others about their less wanted emotions.

And although I have found comfort in the knowledge that I am not alone in my struggles, I do feel like talking about them more may actually cause some collateral damage, simply because thinking about those emotions magnifies them to some extent. Yet I am too scared to write too much about the good side of motherhood in case I hurt someone’s feelings because they don’t relate.

The Glorified Image of Motherhood Could Be Good

I’m starting to side with that false image of motherhood. I’m starting to see her as a goal rather than an unachievable standard. Women are independent human beings who can master whatever they set out to do in life.

She is a woman who owns her life. She has a family to whom she has devoted much of her time while also fulfilling her dreams. She is a strong woman with a mind of her own and she knows it. She loves herself and finds the energy to do what she loves so she can teach her children to do what they love.

Yes, I think I like this woman. She represents empowerment.

She does not share her worries with her children nor does she use them for her own feeling of fulfilment. She is happy in her own right and her children are learning to feel this way too. Her children will never feel guilt-tripped by her.

She is telling all the other mothers in the world that they too have got this.

She is telling all women that they should love what they do and do what they love.

She represents potential.

Her aim is to motivate other women into bossing life, not making them jealous.

Yep, I actually love this supermum. I will take a leaf out of her page and learn from it.

Takeaway

As for my role as a mother, my mission is to ensure my children grow up well-rounded and with love as their biggest strength.

In the words of Ed Sheeran,

“Loving can hurt sometimes, but it’s all I know.”

Love wins every time. I have learned that all my negative emotions are a result of a lack of love. A lack of love for myself, usually. I want to teach Andriel this because if he can nail love, he will be set for life. He will handle the rest with his eyes closed.

I will not guilt-trip him into thinking he owes me anything at all, for I want to do everything for him and my future children.

I will finish with this — celebrate yourself. No one else will freely do it for you — that’s all the glorified mother is doing.

Sylvia Emokpae is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this.

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