The most insidious types of passive aggressive behavior

Passive aggressive behavior isn’t a one-size-fits-all thing. Learn how to recognize the most insidious passive aggressive actions.

by: E.B. Johnson

We all have that passive-aggressive someone in our lives, be they a coworker or a family member. Dealing with passive aggressive people is a difficult thing to do, but confronting their toxic behaviors is necessary in order to protect our own wellbeing and peace of mind...especially when that behavior is more underhanded or insidious than we expect.

It takes some practice and know-how to master yourself in the presence of passive aggressive people, but it is possible to learn. When you start to create space and prioritize your own mental and emotional wellbeing, you can insulate yourself from the corrosive effects of their behind-the-hand manipulations and string-pulling. Don’t let subtle attacks get you down. Protect yourself from sly passive aggressive behavior by increasing your understanding of it.

What is passive aggression?

Passive-aggressiveness is basically the tendency to engage in indirect expressions of hostility through subtle insults, stubbornness, sullen behavior or a deliberate failure to do what has been promised. Because passive-aggressive behavior is indirect, it can often be hard to spot. Identifying this toxic manifestation is important, however, to avoid some serious psychological consequences.

Generally, passive aggressive behavior manifests in those who have an inability to express their emotions, as well as those with unreasonable manners and those who love to engage in subterfuge. A passive aggressive person is someone who intentionally creates uncomfortable environments in order to satiate their own selfish needs or desire for some type of “revenge”.

These behaviors may be directed toward a single person or a group, it doesn’t matter to the passive-aggressive person who feels themselves slighted. The root causes of these types of subtle hostilities are varied and complex. Whatever reasons an individual has for treating their loved ones and coworkers with this type of mean behavior, however, you can be sure that the roots run fast and deep.

The most subtle and insidious types of P.A.

There are many different types of passive aggressive behavior, but some can be more insidious or telling than others. Though the following behaviors can sometimes be explained by simple misunderstandings, they can also be explained by much more malicious intentions when they continue to persist after being addressed or brought to the surface.

Diminished eye contact

Eye contact is an important part of our human communication patterns, and it’s also one of the ways by which we express a lot of non-verbal cues. Sometimes, when someone is uncomfortable, upset or dealing with guilty feelings you might find that they share a diminished eye contact with you, compared to normal. Diminished eye contact isn’t always intentional, but it is always a sign that something is amiss. If you attempt to address or resolve that issue, and the other person refuses to play ball — that’s passive aggression.

Ignoring

When we think of someone being passive aggressive, we generally think of people making snide comments or going out of their way to off-handedly nasty. That, however, is not always the case. One subtle way someone might seek to passive aggressively undermine you is by ignoring you or dismissing you in conversation or in places of public / professional discussion. While this can sometimes be caused by mild discomforts that could be best addressed with a quick conversation, it can also be an insidious sign of a lack of respect and consideration bordering on microaggression.

Forgetting consistently

Some of us lead chaotic lives, which can causes us to miss out or skim over things that might otherwise have been a big deal. Forgetting things is natural, but when you forget things all the time, there’s something different going on. Failing, more often than not, to meet expectations, promises or other commitments is a subtle sign of passive aggression, and another subtle sign that someone is not being truthful and upfront with you.

Why some engage in passive aggressive behaviors.

When the above types of passive aggressive behaviors become commonplace, it’s usually a sign that they are deeply rooted somewhere in the perpetrators psyche or emotional memory. Whether they’re dealing feelings they don’t want to fess up to, or they’re just self-centered, there are a number of reasons those around us engage in destructive and hurtful passive aggressive behaviors.

No desire to “pay-up”

More often than not, when someone consistently forgets about their commitments to you — it’s because they have no desire to pay up to their side of the bargain. Some people are generally forgetful and disorganized, but no one forgets what they said to you or promised you 100% of the time. Paying you lip service, while refusing to actually live up to expectations, is lying and it doesn’t equate to a balanced and healthy relationship (in any form).

Bias-driven microaggressions

Consider the example of ignoring you in a conversation. This type of passive-aggressive behavior is hurtful, but not always consciously intentional. Imagine, for example, that you’re a woman at a high-powered business conference. After a meeting, you and your male friend approach the speaker, who immediately turns his attention to your friend and begins questioning him more about his interests, hobbies or professional successes. You’re ignored. Left out of the conversation. Has this been maliciously done? No, but the speaker’s implicit biases have caused him to passive aggressively dismiss you.

Guilt and shame

If you’re someone who suffers from a great deal of guilt or shame (especially in relation to specific people) it can be hard to confront people, and it can be especially hard to confront your own emotions or doubts. Guilt and shame are one of the most common reasons that passive-aggressive people lean into behaviors like diminished eye contact. Whether they feel guilty about what they want to say — but can’t — or, they’re just feeling guilty about what they have done to you…our guilt and shame go a long way into feeding our negative behaviors.

Arrested development

The way we develop as children and adolescents is important, and when that’s messed up (either by our caretakers or other traumatic experiences) it can result in stunted emotional growth, and inability to deal with the way you’re feeling (be it good or bad). This poor emotional development, or an inability to effectively deal with and process emotions results in poor confrontational skills, and an inability to admit your own feelings. Often, the severity and timing of these childhood and adolescent traumas define how your passive aggressive behavior will manifest later-on in life.

Self-centeredness

We don’t like to admit it and, often, it seems far too simple of an explanation — but some people are just self-centered people. When you’re self-centered, you don’t care about any one else (beyond what you can get out of them) and you aren’t interested in whether or not your behavior hurts their feelings or otherwise makes them unhappy. For some, this is the reason they dismissively going around refusing to acknowledge others, while engaging in passive aggressive behavior that makes them look weak rather than intimidating.

The best ways to deal with subtle passive aggression.

Because passive-aggressive people mask their real feelings, they can be hard to deal with — especially when they’re using tactics as subtle as cutting you off, ignoring your dismissing you. Dealing with them can be done, though, and you can even win in a battle against them with the right attitude and understanding. Use a mix of these simple techniques to master the master-manipulator in your life.

1. Create space and revel in it

The quickest and easiest solution when it comes to handling someone who likes to undermine you, is to keep your distance when you can. In many ways, passive-aggressives are harder to deal with than openly hostile people. Avoid the pitfalls by avoiding them altogether — stripping them of their manipulative powers.

Avoid tit-for-tat battles, and avoid the need to “have your say” or even to “have the last word”. If someone is going out of their way to ignore you, or you think that they might be consciously undermining your skills, talents and perspective, then resist the urge to react and put as much space as you can between yourself and the person you think is engaging in passive aggressive behavior.

Space is a powerful thing, and it allows us to take a step back and honestly engage our brains and our emotions before lashing out or burning bridges we’d rather keep intact (in the long run). There is no law written that says you have to respond to nasty or insidious behavior immediately. Give yourself time to honestly analyze how you feel, and then give yourself enough distance to come up with a plan of action that works to safeguard your mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.

2. Think, don’t react

As humans, we are extremely emotional creatures and those emotions can move us to some pretty strange places. When we’re feeling angry or sad, we lash out, and that can lead to even bigger fallout and a number of unpleasant and unexpected consequences. True power — when it comes to dealing with anyone who is passive aggressive — comes from learning how to minimize your reactions, while maximizing your critical thinking.

Rather than clapping back or chasing the satisfaction of revenge, refuse to jump to conclusions and come up with different ways of looking at the situation. Reduce the amount of personalization you’re using to work through things, and try to look at everyone’s point of view when it comes to settling the conflict or finding a resolution.

Avoiding personalization allows you to keep a firm hold of your personal power and perceive the expressions of others more objectively. The reactions and behaviors of others are almost always a reflection of them not us, but we have to remind ourselves of that regularly. We have to step back and consider what their experience might be like. Are they acting this way because of how they were treated by someone else? Is there a behavior you’re engaging in that could be misconstrued negatively? Checking out of passive aggressive behavior requires checkin in on reality.

3. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries

Because passive-aggressive people behave covertly, they put up major resistance when they are confronted for their actions. They’ll deny, make excuses and finger point anywhere they can to escape the consequences of their actions. That’s what it’s up to you to make sure your boundaries are firm and the consequences are adhered to.

Before you ever run into a passive aggressive conflict, spend some time with yourself figuring out your own boundaries. Understand what you are willing to put up with from other people and what you are not willing to put up with. Also understand what conflicts are worth your time and your energy and what aren’t.

Our boundaries give us a sense of who we are, but they also give other people a sense of who we are — while communicating how they are to behave when it comes to us. No matter what the passive aggressive says or does, offer strong consequences for the negative behavior and stand by your decisions when they’re made. Defining the consequences of poor behavior starts with defining your boundaries; a necessary exercise in self-worth that every single one of us should engage in.

4. Be proactive

P1 The biggest thing that we, perhaps, forget about passive aggressive behavior (no matter who it comes from) is that we do not have to put up with it. There is no law, written or inherent, that says we must absorb the poor and negative behaviors of those around us, especially when those behaviors create negative beliefs and behaviors within ourselves.

If you’re dealing with someone who consistently ignores you, forgets about you or can’t even give you the respect of eye-to-eye contact — then get proactive about cutting them out of your life. That kind of negativity is pervasive, and it will injure who you are and how you see yourself.

Even if you can’t kick your passive-aggressive nemesis to the curb completely, you can limit their access to you, your respect and your emotions. Don’t wait for them to attack you or make the final cutting move. You are responsible for protecting yourself, so do it. Stop taking abuse and dismissal for someone who cares more for themselves than anyone else. Actively create space and distance between you and the passive aggressive person, and limit their opportunities to treat you poorly.

5. Let go of changing ideas

Many of us were raised with the skewed belief that we are capable of changing those around us, no matter how damaged they might be (especially true if you are a female raised in the west). We think that if we just take enough of a beating, they’ll see how much we care of them and stop taking their insecurities and warped beliefs out on us. The problem with that, however, is that it puts the onus of healing onto you…the victim.

There are a handful of universal laws in this life and one of them is this: You cannot change other people. Change is tough for humans and, though it can happen, it only does (traditionally) after a lot of internal work and hardship.

You have to let go of the idea that you can change someone else or inspire them to change. Stop believing that, just by simply playing nice, you’ll encourage them to believe differently or convince them to behave differently than they are currently. We only change when we want to change, and we only do that when it is our idea alone. Changing for someone else is superficial, and expecting someone to change for you is also superficial when you get right down to it. Let go of the belief that you’ll make them better and focus on making your own life better instead.

6. Zero excuses

Are you stuck in a cycle of passive-aggressive behavior with someone you just can’t seem to let go of? Generally, that happens for one reason and one reason alone: excuses. We make excuses for the people we love or think we should respect, and we also make excuses for ourselves. We’ll explain away the devil if it means we can keep things the same and, likewise, we’re willing to take poor treatment in exchange for a perception of being “liked” or loved.

Let go of all that blame and judgement you direct inward, and let go of your need to be “liked”. To an extent, we all want to the please the people around us, but that can carry us into some seriously dangerous places when it comes to passive aggressive behavior. Stop excusing their poor behavior as if it is somehow your fault, and start sticking up for what you deserve.

If someone isn’t including you in discussions during a meeting — and they continue to do so after asking them politely to correct that behavior — don’t excuse it as a “misunderstanding”. Continuing in poor behavior after being asked to correct it then becomes a conscious choice. IF someone continues to injure or dismiss you after the issue is brought to your attention, it’s disrespectful and a potential sign of self-centeredness.

7. Positivity and assertiveness

Once you have a plan of attack and you’ve either made the decision to cut the person out of your life (or limit their impact) you can then start to focus on building in the facets of positivity and assertiveness into your life. These are two foundations which can help us to build a future of gold, but they both take committed effort each and every day.

Start small. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you won’t learn how to shift from a negative experience to an entirely strength-building and positive one in a single instance either. Begin by writing in a gratitude journal each day, and use that to increase the positivity and thankfulness you have for your life.

When you’re positive about life, it’s then so much easier to be assertive and actively stick to the boundaries that protect who you are and what you want. Don’t be afraid to say “no” when you aren’t feeling it, and don’t be worried about confronting someone when they’ve made you feel belittled or less worthy than you are. Having boundaries is one thing. Sticking to them every day is another. Get excited about your life. Fall in love with it. Then protect that love and that happiness fiercely.

Putting it all together…

Passive aggressive behavior can be hard to navigate, but it’s important that we spot it for what it is so we can safeguard our happiness and mental wellbeing. No matter what form it takes, this type of behavior shows a lack of respect and a lack of concern for others and their emotions. Truly overcoming passive aggressive behavior in our lives — no matter what form it takes — requires committing to our boundaries everyday and committing to building the life that we want.

Create space between you and the passive aggressive person. Space is the only way to clear our minds, and it’s the best way to get to the root of how the behavior is tempting us to react. Stop rising to their actions, and focus on your own instead, zeroing in on the things in your life that you can control and change. Firm up your boundaries, and within that really consider what’s important you in this life. Every day, you are building a bridge into tomorrow. Focus on your own future, and let go of your need to please others or get them to “like” you. Not everyone is meant to be our love or our best friend. Be proactive about your own future, and let go of the idea that you can change anyone else or save them from the behavior you know is undermining their happiness. Let go of all the excuses and know that you deserve to be treated equally and with respect — no matter what. Life is hard, and we don’t have to make it harder by putting up with the behavior of passive aggressive people. Lean into positivity and be grateful for the people you do have in your life that encourage you to be better and do better. Life is what we make it. Let go of negative people.