Mortgage One’s Soul
Mortgage One’s Soul — Chapter 1 — Choosing — Part 1
Mircea Dan, Day 1, The Message
Merticaru Dorin Nicolae
Mircea Dan — Day 1 — The Message
He sniffed the air, looking around at the height of a man, having a strange feeling of presence. The dry, rusty vegetation of autumn does not emphasize any silhouette, gaze, or anything else, emitting only the harsh woody rustle of dry leaves under the chilly wind.
“Why am I so tense?!? It’s good to focus!” And he lay on the carpet of leaves for a few moments longer, concentrating until he reached the theta state, visualizing every meter of the way to his target… Until he returned to action.
“I think I’m causing more trouble than I need to… It’s all clear… I don’t know why I’m complicating myself with so much fear,” thought Dan, recalling the main action points to complete his mission. “My target is downwind. He made sure to do everything right every time. In addition, if you come into the wind, the sounds are attenuated. It’s not just about the smell. Then maybe because of the 4 previous failed miserably attempts?!?”
Then he had the flash. “It is obvious that he, the target, knows this too. That’s why he couldn’t approach the head of the village. If I were in his place, I would immediately place the minimum guard in the direction from where the wind is coming, with the role of announcing the presence of the enemy and initiating the relocation of forces necessary to solve the problem, and the maximum guard, the real intervention force, grouped in at least two protection rings, in the direction where the wind goes. How come I never thought of that before, especially after so many attempts? And, not being caught or killed, it is obvious that I will try again, once I was so insistent” …
“And, every time, I do nothing but come, as if bewitched, directly into their arms” …
It took him some time to reach the other side of the wind direction. And no matter how hard he tried not to sweat, he was covered in sweat. He had to be especially careful with both the smell and the noise. Now everything was amplified.
Before starting the journey to the target, he undressed and rolled for a long time through the thick layer of vegetation and dry land. He got dressed in difficulty, gripped by the cold, annoyed by all the things left between the skin, clothes, and armor. “I’m terribly bored and I don’t like the sensations the costume gives them… Ohhh, let’s attack! I hope I don’t mess it up again. I’ve killed enough of them in previous attempts anyway. It should be much easier.”
He advanced “by flair”, alert for any sound or image of the forest, until close to the target’s village and was lucky enough not to meet anyone. Then his advance toward the target became extremely slow to prevent noise. He was obliged to take care to remove the vegetation by hand and to step only on the cleared trail. Thus, he advanced without the slightest noise, undisturbed in listening to the noises around him.
He reached a crossroads where he could no longer continue. He had to go around down it until he reached the bed of a stream that could protect him from the eyes of those guarding the village. Paying attention to the “recording” of the road he had to travel, he heard a weak, muffled cough. He looked in the direction where the noise came from and it was not difficult for him to spot the guard walking slowly, careful not to make any noise.
A little more and he was going to be seen and hunted. “But he was the hunter.” Follow carefully, a few times, the route taken by the guard, and he could be attacked without a trace somewhere higher. He moves carefully towards the best attack position until he meets fresh footprints in the grass. He was in the path of another guard. He looked carefully around and located him. A tall, muscular guy, armed only with a short sword, no armor or shield. “Easy to remove but mobile”, thought Dan looking for solutions. He was less than 50 meters ahead and was advancing slowly, carefully, directly towards him, coming from the height…
“Everything is compromised”, he thought panicked. “The retreat is cut off. I’d better attack… No, I don’t have a chance”. He noticed a rock-like outcropping a few meters below. He crawled towards her, taking care to erase the traces of his passage through the vegetation, on the patrol path of…
He barely managed to position himself and take out the short spear and the footsteps of the guard were heard. It is very close. He ducked behind the rock and waited for it to pass and enter his field of vision. After a few long moments and he appeared walking slowly, bored. Dan tensed, raised his spear, and… He felt a strange pity and stopped. He did not launch the deadly spear. He remained like that, motionless, until the guard disappeared down the slope.
“Maybe it’s better this way,” Dan thought neutrally. “Maybe I missed especially because the guard’s shield was on the side towards me, maybe he shouted or made a noise when falling, revealing my presence. Yes, it’s better that I did it that way.” And set off for the optimal attack position on the first guard.
He reached the summit and began to wait for the approach of the guard, up in the bed of the torrent, a position that offered him the maximum advantage for a silent attack, undetected by the others. This guard was a short guy, strong from the thick armor he wore, armed with a solid battle dagger. He had no shield, and this allowed Dan to attack from a distance. Position yourself to throw the spear and aim at the base of the neck. Wait for the guard to be optimally positioned and launch the spear. The guard sensed the attack or felt it, and let himself down, as if in a fall. But it was too late, and he did nothing but receive the spear right between the eyes. His body stretched under the spasms induced by the spear that had pierced his cranium, and he fell softly, in an attenuated fall, to the bottom of the stream bed.
Dan reached him quickly enough and retrieved his spear from the guard’s head, whose body was throbbing rhythmically, slowly, slower, and slower, still fighting for the last drops of life. “As if he wanted to take life from the pool of blood,” thought Dan pitifully, as he wiped his spear on the guard’s clothes.
He felt that he was in a time crunch. Or, perhaps, intuition was trying to signal to him that he had no more time. “The patrolling guards have points of intersection with other people’s routes and the absence of a guard means alarm. The dead man was supposed to cross paths with the one I spared,” Dan sensed spitefully. “When will I understand this”?!?
Following his thought, a cuckoo scream was heard. “Now?!? The evening has not yet fallen. And it’s a mating cry. A cuckoo would only cry at this time if it were frightened by something. It is certainly a signal. I think they discovered me… In fact, they discovered the lack of a guard. And they will come his way to find him. I don’t need to be here”, he thought alertly starting to instinctively climb the slope on the retreat route. “Why did I choose to retire here”?!? think automatically, without feeling.
Up on the top of the mountain, he decided to rest, looking carefully in the direction where he had attacked. There were no signs of movement. “Maybe he misinterpreted the sound of the cuckoo? Well, just don’t announce someone’s death, especially mine”, he thought, remembering an old superstition. “That is impossible”.
Somewhere to the right, he heard the sound of a shield hitting a branch. “I was right,” he thought, jumping to the opposite side, moving as fast as he could, wiping his tracks and making sure not to make the slightest noise. He methodically chose the densest portions of the forest, taking care to keep the road towards the foot of the mountain, to the north. There was a stream over there, over which, if he crossed, he could say that he had escaped. The night was fast approaching, and this was an advantage for him.
“Anyway, I’m bored. I wonder if I’ll feel like repeating the mission, even though now it’s even easier because I eliminated a guard. Well, that’s what I said last time and here I am still on this mission”, he thought with a smile. “I’ve always been a slob when things didn’t go the way I wanted. And everyone told me that I don’t know when to give up”.
The scream of a rabbit caught by a predator caught his attention. “It’s not good”, he thought instinctively. He pulled out his shield from under his thick cloak, preparing for any confrontation that might follow. He gathered his strength and set off in a mad dash toward the foot of the mountain. “I have no reason to hide anymore. I have to cross the river and that’s it!”
But he didn’t even have time to finish the thought when, out of nowhere, from the front, a little to the right, an arrow struck him, and he stopped rattling in his shield. Jump through its slide towards a small slope, also to the right. Below him was a guard, surprised by Dan’s appearance, who turned and tried to stab him with his sword. Too late, Dan thought as he blocked with his shield, piercing him through the belly, from the bottom up. The guard only managed to start howling until the spear pierced his diaphragm, maybe even his heart.
But that start of howling was enough. The forest came alive. After the “howls” of running footsteps, there were at least 10 guards in the area. He locates, almost instantly, the breach in their device and rushes there. He was getting away from the stream and that wasn’t good, he thought as he ran so fast, too fast for him to do… And he fell, rolling a few times until he stopped on a fallen log, gasping from the shock. He had no air left. He tried to get up, to run but fell back, limp. Under the fallen log, there was room enough to slip under it. He went to the other side of the log and crawled under it, towards the root, where it joined the ground and offered a hiding place. There he remained motionless and clutched his shield to his chest. “What a surprise, I didn’t lose it in the fall”, thought Dan, truly amazed.
Become aware of your surroundings. The followers were no longer heard. He concentrates his auditory perception to the maximum, but nothing. “They are trying to find me, but I don’t know where to get me. I chose the escape route well”, he thought, hoping that everything would end well. “But I didn’t erase the tracks while running”, he realizes getting angry, “and they will reach me very quickly”, thinking trying to control his breathing, preparing for a new sprint.
The smell of moldy hides reached his nostrils, mixed with the smell of a man unwashed since he escaped from his mother and the smell of vomit and sour drink. “They are close”, he thought and burst out with all the strength he had left at his disposal. He only made it a few yards before a heavy blow to the shoulder knocked him to the ground, spinning, falling face up. “I didn’t raise the shield enough”, he concludes full of anger. The burn he felt on his shoulder blade revealed to him that he had received an arrow. “A spear would have pierced me, thrown so close”.
Somewhere above him, to the left, appeared the figure of a giant swinging a battle ax toward his head. Instinctively, he spun towards the giant, raising the shield that deflected the ax somewhere to the side, exposing the giant’s belly as he took the killing spear, under the sternum, straight into the heart. In motion, he noticed a weak guard approaching at a run, behind the kneeling giant, almost in slow motion. Dan continued the leap, pivoting on one leg, pushed the scrawny’s sword to the side, making room, and struck him with his shield just above Adam’s apple, crushing and ripping his neck. Out of inertia, he turned and found himself face to face with… the guard whose life he had spared.
Dan was too far away to attack that pirouette and he stopped in a fighting stance. Somewhere in the back, the skinny man was grunting, drowning in his blood. “I’m free to attack this one from the front,” Dan concluded gathering his remaining strength. The guard started to advance towards Dan, but a spear, coming from somewhere far behind, pierced Dan’s thigh quite deeply.
The guard roared something, unintelligible, raising his short sword in the air. And silence everything. “What a damned sting of a spear,” thought Dan, getting angry, and limping. Dan’s peripheral vision was starting to turn red, increasingly taking up his field of vision. “I know this is not good. If I see only red, it means it’s over”, he concludes disappointed.
- Surrender!, he is awakened to reality by the guard in front of him.
- In front of a common man, answered Dan glumly, panting to keep his voice as strong as possible, trying to impress.
- It is too late to set conditions, the guard told him. Anymore and you’ll pass out. And then I will no longer consider you a fighter, you will no longer have this honor, and I will let my men do to you what they will. Especially those whose friends you killed in previous attempts.
- So, you are the head of the village, Dan said in a muffled voice. “I could complete the mission without a headache”, he thought, remembering with disappointment that he had spared his life… When you passed me, near the rock near where I took down the first guard, I spared your life. What do you have to say?!? Dan tried to negotiate.
- I wondered why you didn’t attack. I knew you were there, and I sensed you had a weapon to throw. If you had a sword or a dagger, I would have seen you and, anyway, you wouldn’t risk attacking because I was shouting and raising the alarm. For the bow, you had an almost impossible position to sight. The lance or spear remained. Because of this, I went down the slope on the left side, holding the shield between us…
Dan was “blinded” by rage and tried to gather his strength to attack but failed. In addition, his field of vision was more than half red. He could only rely on reflexes in the little time he had left. “I still have a chance to complete the mission”, he thought starting the attack.
He attacks with his spear and shields forward by opening his shield arm in an automatic move to parry a possible sword counterstrike when he is at the optimal distance from the opponent, throwing his spear forward to pierce him. But nothing, the opponent had jumped to the side and Dan’s effort was “absurd”. He tried a few more “schemes” that always “worked out” for him, but nothing. His opponent was blocking or not there.
He could hardly see anything so red. “It’s over,” thought Dan, falling to his knees.
- A last wish?, heard the target’s voice from somewhere, on the right.
- Tell me, how did you know every time I was coming? Dan said panting.
- After your first attack, I called you “Jasmine”, because wherever you were passing, the smell of jasmine was strong. And you didn’t think that it’s autumn and there’s nowhere to smell jasmine. Sometimes it’s not very good to be so neat…
- Stop playing! yelled Dan furiously.
The holographic device stopped its projection and the lights in the room came on. He was terribly tired, and it took him quite a while to untie his kinematic traction straps. And it took longer for them to be able to stand up and reach the other room, allowing the cinematic floor and all the gaming devices to be retracted.
“Oops, next time the mission resets. I will take everything from the beginning and hope it will be better. Primitive fighting is a weakness of mine. I’m tired of the current or “sci-fi” ones, I’m too comfortable with them to give me some more adrenaline”.
“And look, I forgot a little about the real world and its boredom”, thought Dan, looking for work…
Neutrally assists in transforming the gaming console into the living room! It lasts long enough for him to be overwhelmed by thoughts…
He felt the pressure of a desire that was difficult to specify, annoying by its insistence… Or, by… Ohhh, maybe that’s why he was walking aimlessly around the room thinking cyclically, obsessively, along the same logical line. Always and always the same thoughts, without escaping, without finding a possibility to reconfirm this unbearable senselessness…
What is happening to me? And do I have one of those dark premonitions or am I too lonely? Well, as usual… Maybe getting out and about will help me in some way?!? A trip to the Pub?!? What do you say?!? But who should I date? I don’t even know which of the boys isn’t on the run… Maybe I can stop by my trusty Ema?!?
Ema… To enjoy her presence, her love, and dedication… Or to suffer in silence watching her inability to change anything about me… By me… How much… This situation had become increasingly difficult to bear … He often looked at her and remembered him, in the days with Ada… Plans for the future, dedication, sacrifice… Everything only and only together with him, only for him, she always forgetting about his worries, his uncertainty, his coldness… Everything under the steam of love for him… How much he sought to live too, and under the sweet righteousness of the lover… Like Emma… And those before her…
Ohhh, but it’s not good! That’s what he had done then, and what followed was excruciating pain… Years and years in a row… What followed?!? The sacrifice of many women who had loved him. As usual, as will certainly be the case with Emma, she leaves them out of guilt, embarrassment, shame, or other feelings of her humiliation. All this added to that pain increased pain… Almost unbearable… Deep down he was increasingly terrified of the pain he was going to cause, something almost like what he had experienced… So much so that, every time, he postponed the moment of separation… Out of fear, out of habit… Ohhh, it was worth all the pain he was experiencing!!!
Oh no, oh no!! There must be a solution… Indifference and insensitivity… Why should their suffering be a problem… They had to “close their eyes” like him before entrusting their soul unconditionally to another soul… Was this the way?!? He had failed… He could not be indifferent… He could not help but seek fulfillment… From his point of view, the search is the way…
And he was always looking for her, causing increased pain to himself or the bitter ones who could still fall in love with the monster… Ohhh, what he was… Leftovers from Ada’s dinner… Already rotten… Ohhh… But it doesn’t matter how many times you try … The important thing is to know that you have done everything. To have the feeling that every option has been addressed…
Yes, and what do I do now? Snap back to reality… It’s almost evening… I think though… Hmmm… Maybe a trip to the ‘Pilot Pub’ would do me good. Impossible not to run into someone there, to exchange a word. I can easily earn another 1–2 credits if anyone is up for a game. That wouldn’t be a bad idea, he thought happily! No Ema… I don’t want to be part of confusing situations now! Ema is too organized and too punctual about “their future”. Addiction to fun, be it unreal, or forced, is what I need right now…
As long as I don’t have the misfortune of running into Rick there, he’s done with all my easy winnings. I just taught myself, repeatedly, that I don’t stand a chance against him. No matter what game it is. I don’t want to lose anymore, especially since I haven’t been out in a race for a long time, with a job to say the least.
But before that, before he left, he still had some civic duty to do and tomorrow was the due date for that… Eh, maybe I’ll go to the Pub, at least for a good gargle with someone on the subject of this month’s civic duty… What’s going on? Only the Pub is on my mind… Yes, let’s get down to business, and see what it’s all about…
Wave from hand to attract comms activation. The information display was activated and, in its center, its pilotage indicator “flickered”. A message for me, the pilot?!?
What the hell?!? So far, I have had no direct communications from the center. Normally I should have seen Francis’s face slapping one rude, smart-ass after him and ordering me to “ass move” to the center because… They found me a flight…
Well, what’s going on with me?!? I found someone to take my nerves off… After all, what is their fault? They are simple order enforcers…
Through mechanical gestures, he activated the biometroscope and “opened” the message: “The request to participate in the pilot test for grade zero has been processed. Tomorrow morning you are invited to the center for the start of the testing. In case of non-appearance, it will be considered that you are no longer interested, and the application will be invalidated.”.
With every word he passed he felt the shivers of joy flood his body and, when he finished, he jumped into a pirouette of ecstasy.
Vegetation is over! The monotony of the life of a transport pilot is over! Now I have the right to live my life the way I want, he thought jumping into a new pirouette, punching the air.
But suddenly he lost all his former enthusiasm. Or, at least to live it differently… But how will it be?!? And I must leave… Tomorrow… What have I been doing so far?!? But am I ready for this yet?!?! Waves, waves of questions that made him forget to breathe…
Calm, calm! he said to himself, taking deep calming breaths…
Confused… Yes, that’s what I feel now… Order! Yes… I need this now, order! Yes, now, I need some time to put my life in order… I can’t just leave, he thought relatively scared. And, as if I don’t feel so prepared for this test anymore… Panic?!?
Then he thought for the first time, after a long time, about the danger of failure. Yes, if he couldn’t pass the test… Somewhere, then, when he signed up for the test, he had promised himself to the Holy Divinity that it would be his last attempt to do something… And his head grew even hotter… His lungs forgot to serve… He felt himself suffocating with emotion and slumped into his armchair… But he didn’t last long… He immediately jumped to his feet and started pacing madly around the room… Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts… Memories were the only thing he could focus on… And he began to review the events, as he remembered them…
Immediately after applying, he began intense training, physically and mentally, to maximize his chances of becoming “pilot zero”. But, soon the routine intervened, then the feelings that the application would never be processed, that his file would never be accepted, and… Just like that… He had given up training and the hope that he would get to where he wanted to be.
Logically, he thought disappointedly, I’m just the epitome of unlucky on this earth… As Thank methodically pointed out to him every chance he got. But everything he had learned in personal development emphasized the opposite: “You are what you think you are!”. And he’d been through a lot considering he was what he was…
But did he ever know who he was?!? Or decide who it is?!? It was always what was required to be, what was necessary to be, that’s all… It was never about the real him… Regardless of whether it was about activity, about work, or his relationships with those around him, acquaintances, or people of his soul… Phew, complicated. Really, why am I getting so complicated? And I enter into cyclical reasonings…
Whether I go or not, I have to deal with everything I can before. The first thought he had was related to… Pub… Let’s see who he is with and drink something nice, as much as possible… No, Ema no! I don’t want to give her the bad news of leaving… She’ll bear it and wait… Or she’ll be genuinely happy, as she did every time they experienced something assimilable as a realization… But I can see her, for the umpteenth time, full of love?!? Oh no! I’m not in the mood for love right now!
Something concrete, something concrete! I must find something! Yes, the most urgent would be with the civic debt. If I decide to go to the test, it is possible that I won’t be able to participate on active duty… Or, at least, that’s what I think… And I won’t have much work either. I just need to close the legislative lines.
He asked for the list of legislative points to study and was horrified at how much he had to study. Many of the elements were imperative and he had to give solutions.
It was also normal, as long as he always chose the optional solutions… The easiest to solve, which consumed the least time… No more on my way to the Pub! I will hardly be able to finish before nightfall. That’s what I need if I haven’t thought of it before!
And get to work. He went over quite quickly a large part of the legislative elements inserted for public analysis. For some, he had no problems with their understanding and even sent some amendments, but for others, he requested quite a lot of clarifications and analysis data…
He reached the last point, maintaining the representation of the current candidate. There were only relatively few analysis points of his activity, so they reconfirm him until next month. Ohhh, he didn’t even remember his name… And he reconfirmed it how many times?!? What matters…
Immediately after the confirmation gesture, the display shows him: “Minimum civic duty completed. Biom’s data confirms an advanced degree of fatigue. Civic activity cannot be continued! Thank you!”.
And the terminal enters the screen saver… A wonderful image of a mountain, full of life, with a gorgeous waterfall that slowly evolved in the holographic projection mode. The sound of the water sent shivers down his spine, snapping him out of his tense state. But he didn’t stay relaxed for long because the questions started to flow stronger than the holographic waterfall…
If I commit to the test, I may no longer have the active civic list. You have to be permanently domiciled in a constituency 25 days out of 30 to have a civic duty… I seem to remember it that way. Anyway, it’s good that I won’t be in trouble until then.
He felt as tired as he was bored. It was late in the evening… He ordered the closure of the communications terminal and the biom. What do I do now?
It’s not even worth going to the Pub anymore. I better rest. The night is a good counselor and if I decide to go to the test I will need to be rested. I hope it’ll be okay…
I didn’t even manage to do anything for myself. The day is gone and I… What did I do? Anyway, I left like that and another time, without a meal, without having prepared myself in the slightest. The automatic hygiene systems have done their duty. As well as automatic payment systems. Why do I worry so much?
In a short time, you feel the initial confusion. It’s not good. Maybe I should use the biomis?!? He never managed to understand why this name was chosen… Biomis from biom along with the letters “i” and “s” … Biom from biometroscope, “i” from individual and “s” from support…
I’ve always hated being controlled. Why would we do this now? And I wouldn’t even know what mood to set the biomis belt too. Really, why didn’t they call it the “robot belt” or something similar?!? I better turn to my personal “biomis”. I sure have a fine drink, rainbow on the roof of my mouth and fireworks on the roof of my skull, as Ema called his favorite alcoholic drink.
Ohhh, why did I think of Ema? Last night’s meeting didn’t go too well. Why doesn’t she understand that I’m not ready for a relationship like she wants?!? They keep pressuring him with their point, with the fact that the years go by and so on… Housewife reasons, she often told herself without having the courage to convey what she was thinking to her.
Ohhh, why did I think of Ema? Last night’s meeting didn’t go too well. Why doesn’t she understand that I’m not ready for a relationship like she wants?!? she keeps pressuring him with their point, with the fact that the years pass and so on… Reasons for being a housewife, she often told herself without having the courage to convey to her what she was thinking.
Dizzy, disappointed, he went to his bar, mechanically filled a glass with his famous drink, and sank into the armchair. He took a sip and, in an effort to calm himself down, he leaned his head back savoring the aromas of the drink, letting the contents pass through his mouth.
Rainbow on the palate… Hmmm, true. But the skull sky thing doesn’t quite work. Maybe it’s from fatigue, who knows?!?
It wouldn’t have been bad if Ema had been with him. To give him a piece of advice or a hug, to thin his thoughts or chase them away… There was something magnificent about her smell, the touch of her skin, as soothing as it was stimulating… Yes, now he was sorry he wasn’t around with Ema in his arms…
He hit an imaginary glass, Ema’s, and said: “May the Divine Power be with you, my dear Ema! I hope you find someone to replace me in your heart. It would be a shame to torment me endlessly! Especially if I’m going to take the test and go to all kinds of training schools or whatever” …
These thoughts embittered him and caused him to become even more depressed. Ema, Ema, Ema… My wonderful friend… Ada, Ada, Ada… My wonderful nightmare… Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts… Ema, Ada, Ema, Ada…
Holy Power, what do you have with me because I remembered Ada?!? I didn’t have enough Ema?!?
Yes, Ada is the one who once told him that he would have been saved if he got involved in a more active life than that of a transport pilot. She even “turned the knife in the wound” by telling him that the waves of hormones and habits that keep him prisoner in his love for her would easily find “substitutes” in adrenaline and what else could be born from the madness of life of the zero pilots… And, thanks to Thank, she knew exactly what he was telling her, without being able to give him the exact details of what her reasoning was based on…
Yes, her eternal pity for a man who loved him, as she always pointed out, for a man who deserves much more than a materialistic and calculated person like her… Her words?!? He had characterized her much more aggressively, much more humiliatingly…
Why wouldn’t I cry for my pity?!? Why should she, the one who turned him into a living dead, into a body with a captive soul, far away, together with Ada?!? Yes, everything starts with her… From her, he had never been able to find himself in the arms of any woman… And she always came to him… To love herself, to feel true love… And, every time, he did not refuse under no way to relive the wonder of the moments in her arms…
But that hasn’t happened in a long time… How long?!?
His thoughts ran wild without logic, for too long, and he got tired quickly. Neither the effort to organize, nor breaking away from the world around him by closing his eyes and wandering through desired places, nor massaging his forehead, helped him… And he fell asleep…
