Money Doesn’t Cause Relationship Problems, People and Dumb Decisions Do

Financial infidelity isn’t the issue; we are

I have been digging into the academic literature on financial infidelity.

And, as is often the case in research and writing about money, I think we’ve got it all wrong. Or, at least, wrong enough for it to matter.

In this article, we take the first steps toward redefining financial infidelity and, subsequently, striving to make it less of a relationship breaker and marriage killer. By the end of the year, Medium’s gonna hand us an honorary doctorate.

Here’s how researchers define financial infidelity:

(E)ngaging in any financial behavior expected to be disapproved of by one’s romantic partner and intentionally failing to disclose this behavior to them.

Fair enough.

However, the first thought that comes to mind. If there’s financial infidelity going on, there’s probably some other form of infidelity taking place in the relationship. Maybe cheating or some form of emotional infidelity.

Something somewhere else in the relationship must be amiss.

Money tends to facilitate and finance core forms of infidelity. You need money to do most things. So money isn’t the culprit; the behavior is.

Of the dozens of scholarly articles I reviewed, one of the most recent best illustrates what I’m getting at.

Let’s bullet point the key parts of the abstract for an October 2019 article, “Our Money, My Secrets: Why Married Individuals Commit Financial Infidelity,” in Contemporary Family Therapy:

• Two primary categories emerged that identify why married individuals commit financial infidelity: avoiding an argument and spending on self.
• Aside from financial issues, participants reported four categories of issues that caused the most conflict: time together, communication, health-related issues, and extended family problems.
• …the majority of participants reported sharing financial decisions with his or her spouse, having joint bank accounts and sharing expenses, and paying bills collaboratively. (all bold is my emphasis)

If you have the time and inclination, please reread those bullet points. They’re important.

The first problem comes in the title of the article. Our money.

If you read my stuff at all, you know I’m big on partnership. You also know I’m in a relationship I can’t say enough good things about. I’m in love.

While I feel and relish a strong and deep connection, I also value independence. Hers and mine. Because you can’t have a powerful partnership without two strong individuals.

As with most else in a relationship, it’s bad form to settle on absolutes. All too often, couples seem to go in one of two distinct directions:

• We keep our money completely separate.
• We combine forces and function as a financial one.

The best answer probably lies somewhere in between, with thoughtful consideration and nuance. This doesn’t mean you need to bog the relationship down with incessant conversations about money. It just means you make decisions along the way — as they come up — eventually agreeing on what works for you and your partner.

A hallmark of great communication — you come to these conclusions without even explicitly acknowledging them. You just know. You do the beautiful dance. It’s the most glorious and fulfilling form of relationship theater.

You hit a sweet spot where you make decisions and seal deals that work for both people in the partnership on the basis of timing and circumstance.

You do the work. You talk about shit. You make decisions.

But it’s painless. In fact, it’s better than painless. It’s invigorating. The conversations you have are an intellectual and sexual turn-on. What you end up with is a multi-faceted and multi-layered relationship.

In its simplest form, you don’t even think about the small money decisions. I’m coming to your place, or I’ll be home after you, so I’ll pick up the sushi — and pay for it — on the way. This just makes sense. It goes without saying.

Or maybe you’ve determined (even without words), you’ll split every meal. This just means you’ll use Venmo a lot. Pretty straightforward.

For more complex money decisions, such as vacations, you parse things out:

I got the Airbnb and rental car. You cover the flights and food. Whatever.

Or I got this one, you get the next one.

Or we’ll use my flight credit from the trips the pandemic cancelled.

Or, or, or… endless possibilities.

Just don’t be an annoying bean counter about it.

I tend not to deal in specifics. Just personal financial frameworks. You’ll decide what works for you. You and your partner will decide what works for your partnership.

In my experience, it’s always best to keep it casual. And to support one another. You had a lean month; I got you. However, it all shakes out.

If you can’t do this much around money, deeper issues might exist in the relationship. Weirdness around money — that’s likely a red flag.

Which leads to an analysis of some of the bullet points.

Avoiding an argument

Are you kidding me? You commit “financial infidelity” because you want to avoid an argument?

As in, you wanted a Michelin star lunch, so you drop $300 and don’t tell your partner because they’d object. Or you really want that big-screen television, but you want to avoid an argument, so you buy it and keep it secret from your partner. (I see how that’s not possible, but you get the point).

Spending on self

This might be reason number one to keep your core finances separate and take the parse things out/I’m here to support you when needed route.

If you need permission to “spend on self,” you probably face obstacles bigger than money in your relationship. While these problems can involve money, they’re not directly about money.

As in, your partner is the type of person who gets $10 and spends $20. On the surface, it’s a money issue. However, the underlying causes of that behavior require dealing with.

Maybe your partner doesn’t make enough money to satisfy the lifestyle they lead. So there’s a problem with the chosen lifestyle, their earning ability and potential, or both. Maybe they’ve taken shopping as therapy to an unhealthy extreme.

Whether it’s a one night stand, casual dating, a committed relationship, or marriage, my partner never needs permission to spend on herself.

We all therapy shop from time to time. Don’t shame and belittle somebody for this. Don’t make them feel as if they have to answer to you.

Who the hell are you anyway!?

Hey babe, I’m gonna buy myself a new pair of shoes, is that okay?

Lame. I’d feel pretty shitty if my partner ever felt like she had to ask me that question. I’d be equally as annoyed if she couldn’t put gas in her car but was walking around in $220 Nike Air Max runners. Again, you’ll know who you’re dealing with early in the proceedings.

If spending on herself ends up a problem — meaning she’s a reckless spender — you probably didn’t open the broader lines of communication in the best way in the early stages of your relationship. And not lines of communication regarding money. I’m talking lines of communication about who the other person is. What drives and motivates them. What their priorities are.

This is part of the getting to know someone phase of a relationship. It’s pretty easy to tell who someone is within the first couple weeks. Like not have they made mistakes with money and in other areas, but, more importantly —

• Who are they, at their core?
• And did they learn from the mistakes they’ve made — not just with money, but in life?

Once you know these things, you either bail, attempt to ameliorate minor concerns, or get ready to go the distance. At this juncture, money should not even be an issue, so don’t make it one. There’s no need. Let it all fall into place.

If my partner did something super dumb with money, I probably would not have a problem with it. I’d hesitate to classify it as “super dumb.”

Have I ever done anything dumb with money? Absolutely. So why doesn’t she deserve a pass? Because she made her mistake after me? Also lame.

All I’d want to know is why it happened — assuming the why of it all is relevant to our relationship, her well-being, or both.

What was the underlying cause of her financial infidelity? (Which, again, is a poor characterization). I’d want to know not so I could scold or school her, but so I could support her. So I could ensure that whatever’s going on doesn’t impact the partnership we’re crafting. That’s more important than a few dollars going out the door — and from her bank account — every once in a while.

The more we explore money-related issues together, the more I realize the answers do not lie in the actual issues we explore. It’s not in the title of the article. It comes after the click. And it’s tough to generate resolutions. We might never.

This is what makes it all so intellectually exciting for me.

You’ll almost always find — or get closer to — the answers in theoretical, even abstract territory. There’s pretty much always psycho-emotional underpinnings. In this expanse, you rarely find complete or even satisfying answers.

While it’s useful to define concepts such as financial infidelity, measure them, and come up with quantitative and qualitative insights, it’s not the end-all and be-all.

This work is akin to grabbing a Red Bull on the first leg of a road trip. It’s not until you’ve stopped to admire the ocean for hours, hit a few fruit stands and kissed under a handful of redwood trees (again, for hours) that you wind up at your destination with some clarity around what drives people to make the choices they make.

Money is merely one thing that facilitates relationship issues and endings. It’s people — and how they respond to their experiences, emotions, and the world around them — that make the big, often fatal mistakes.

To be continued…

This article is for informational purposes only. It should not be considered Financial or Legal Advice. Not all information will be accurate. Consult a financial professional before making any significant financial decisions.