Talk to Your Partner About Money Once, Then Shut the Hell Up

The conversation can be casual unless you plan to live beyond your means

The problem isn’t money.

So let’s put a temporary moratorium on the Have the Money Talk with Your Partner articles. The more I consume this content (and I’ve written in this vein myself), the more I realize how badly it misses the mark, particularly if you long for a sound personal financial situation, individually and as one-half of a partnership.

The context we place this “money talk” in is all wrong. We enter the discussion with a slew of ideas we have been socialized to carry with us over the years. These ideas tend to coalesce around spending too much money.

How many emerging couples fall hook, line, and sinker for the American dream?

When they snuggle in bed and gaze into each other’s eyes, it’s less about their connection and the experiences they long to have with one another and more about collecting the accoutrements of the runaway American dream.

House. Kids. Audi. Wedding. Honeymoon. Baby showers. Bachelor party. Engagement ring.

I’m riffing. Obviously not going in order. The point — these things cost money. Lots of it. Within this context, you damn well better have the money talk, early and often because you’re going to require lots of it for a long-ass time.

If this is the way you choose to roll, it’s all good. However, it might be even better to view the situation from a different, less stressful perspective. Maybe you never officially have “the talk.” Instead, you piece it together.

This approach requires a few things upfront:

• A partner who, from the get-go, shares your view on what they want from life, now and going forward.
• The willingness to live beneath your means, and certainly not above your means.
• A young mind and the desire to maintain this intellectual and physical vigor into “old age.”

Maybe most importantly, it requires the mindset that you are —

one-half of a partnership

Nothing more. Nothing less. You’re in the type of partnership where togetherness doesn’t impede and steal your individuality.

For any and all of the above to fall into place, you absolutely require open and vulnerable communication in your partnership.

I’m currently living this to an extent I never thought possible. It feels incredible.

When you interact with another person in such a free and healthy way, you naturally do a better job having important conversations with yourself. I’m experiencing a clarity in thought these days that’s remarkable. It has led me to the thought trajectory we’ll tinker within this article.

This is the first critical point. You have to have important conversations with yourself in an open and honest way. You must realize when your insecurities creep into the picture, accept and acknowledge them, then go back to your partner in an honest, healthy, and productive way.

If you act on your insecurities when you go back to your partner, you’re screwed.

In conversation with your partner — before the thought of money even enters the equation — you must be able to talk about things that you wouldn’t dare reveal to most other people. This can happen around something that makes you emotional, your fears, sex, whatever.

I’m convinced this has to happen if you’re going to coolly and calmly tackle what we perceive as the tough conversations, such as the ones that involve money.

If you have this type of connection, you’re on the same page of life; you nurture the willingness to be open and relish the vulnerability it creates; money isn’t a tough conversation. It’s merely a passing conversation.

I mean, if I can cry in front of her, reveal my “feminine” side, and act silly with her in a way I wouldn’t with most others, feeling out the relationship you share with money isn’t all that hard.

In the shell of a nut, it’s all about laying what should be basic relationship groundwork first.

You don’t walk into a job interview and instantly ask how much they pay. Instead, you get comfortable. You talk about other stuff — the mundane and important day-to-day points. Once you feel a connection with the people in the room — you want them, and they want you — it’s quite easy to let them know what you need from them and vice versa.

Isn’t all of this common sense?

Here’s something else that ought to be common sense: There’s nothing worse than badgering your partner over shit.

If your life together is gonna be all about coming up with like ten grand a month to meet the obligations of the aforementioned American dream, you might find yourself managing your partner rather than loving them. Because most people — I’m on this list — don’t function all that well under so much financial pressure.

Here’s a rough sketch of how it went down in my current relationship:

• Oh wow, cool, we pay about the same rent.
• Creepy, but if (when!) we move into together, we’ll spend less than $1,000 each on rent. In Los Angeles, this is fucking amazing. Me encanta, guapa!
• So like, when your kid turns 18 and is moving onto her next phase of life, what do you want to do? Oh wow, cool, me too. We’re both headed there — right now!
• I tell guapa I love freelancing. I can see myself working forever. I mean, I can knock out articles from anywhere — on the road when you’re waking up and in the shower.
• She tells me how she can/does situate her work so she can travel.

There doesn’t have to be much more to it than that. It’s an ongoing, unscheduled, no pressure dialogue.

She’s an individual. No matter how close we get as partners and lovers, there will be parts of guapa that are mostly hers and, in some cases, all hers. The inverse holds true.

Over the years — and in recent years — I learned this is the hallmark of a strong partnership. It’s the foundation that facilitates so much else that follows, including money-related preferences, situations, and obstacles.

Moving a step further, she knows I’ll support her in any and every way. (If she didn’t know, she knows now!). I don’t have ground rules for when, where, and how I’ll support her.

While you require boundaries in a relationship or partnership, I don’t believe any exist when it comes to supporting the person you have fallen in love and want to go the distance with. If something comes up, I got guapa’s back.

Sadly, the elements I outline in this article float elusively for most people. Most relationships never get there. From the beginning, they’re doomed. But it’s not about the people in the relationships as much as it’s about the ideas and rules we have decided — collectively as a society — to put in place to govern relationships and the lives we lead with other people.

We tell people they need to communicate, yet we live in a culture with so much stigma and taboo around the most delicate issues that would — if we could bring ourselves to freely speak of them — render us beautifully vulnerable with other people.

We tell people it’s all about happiness and experiences over things, but we can’t seem to shake expensive cars and the nag from parents and friends — When are you guys going to buy something!?

As with most things money, to get to the promised land, you gotta rewire your brain.

Adopt a fresh mindset that’s conducive to true partnership, maintaining a sense of yourself, and — most importantly — turning the presumably difficult conversations into “little more” than the latest amazing moment of an incredible connection.

This article is for informational and entertainment purposes only. It should not be considered Financial or Legal Advice. Not all information will be accurate. Consult a financial professional before making any significant financial decisions.