Midnight Thoughts — Is Online Dating a Necessary Evil?

I matched with a really sweet girl the other day.

At this rate, she was the fifth person I was talking to. I wasn’t looking for anything serious necessarily because I feel like I need more dating experience on the whole.

I really loved talking to her. It seemed like we had a lot in common and I felt confident enough to ask her out on a coffee date.

She said yes.

I was over the moon! We started talking about which coffee shop we wanted to go to and what day works best for her. But I never got an answer.

She deleted her account before we could follow through with our date. I had no other way of communicating with her, and only hoped that she found someone she was happy with.

And all I could think was Well… back to it, I guess.

We’re in a strange time of society right now.

We don’t really meet people anymore.

When I mean meet people, I mean bump into a guy or gal and start having a conversation with them. If the conversation goes well, maybe they start dancing. If that goes well, then a narrative begins to happen.

Now, with everything that’s happened in the world recently, meeting people that way is more unheard of than commonplace.

But we, as social creatures, need that social time. Social time that doesn’t come with the risk of work ethics coming into play or making your friend group uncomfortable. For many of us, the only way this happens is through dating apps.

It’s never really perfect, of course.

There’s the expectation that goes into it.

For example, your expectations on an app like Tinder or HUD might be (probably should be) different than an app like Hinge or Bumble. So right there, the communication needs to be crystal clear in order for any progress to be seen or made.

On that note, I guess it’s important to consider the intention behind these apps.

Why would you download an app where the girl has to make the first move versus an app designed only for hook-ups?

You could argue that this is better than real life because that part of communication is cleared.

“If we are both on Tinder and we clarify our desires, then we don’t have to play a guessing game.”

In that regard, dating apps are actually very helpful.

But dating apps are sadly more in alignment with social media than actual dating.

What we as a society had in genuine, physical, one-on-one interactions we seemed to swap out with and double down on vanity metrics and assumptions of who someone is because of a selfie.

That’s where the trouble is.

But how do we get over this seemingly inevitable hill?

I see two options:

• Don’t be afraid to meet up once enough ice has been broken
• Be more attentive at your usual watering holes

This is how I’ve been able to make dating apps as effective as they could be. Some use dating apps as an opportunity to just chat.

I know because I did it for a while.

But I find myself following the philosophy of Hinge: Be on dating apps because you’re looking to delete them.

Once you’ve had some time to chat, regardless of gender, don’t be scared to ask if they want to meet up.

If you had a good conversation it could be worth it to go on a date doing something the other person enjoys so it’s a little more than just getting coffee or meeting up at a restaurant somewhere.

Of course, though, feel it out. Don’t ask them five minutes after matching if it doesn’t feel like a good amount of time.

If it never feels like the right amount of time, I usually give it a week. If I’m still talking with them after a week, then I say:

“Okay, it’s been long enough. Let’s meet up and see if the chemistry isn’t just through texts.”

Because I have definitely been on a few dates where we met up and suddenly they are a completely different person. Not catfish, but different people.

Or let’s say you were like me once upon a time. A Boomer in a Gen Z body who wanted to bump into someone and say “Whoa… how U doin’?”

Logan Ury has a brilliant solution in her book, How to Not Die Alone:

Try asking people that go to the same places you go.

If you want to see what else I’ve got to say about it, I’ve written an article about the book you can check out here:

This acts as a good icebreaker immediately.

If you meet up with someone after a yoga session you already have something to talk about.

There’s a common ground that you don’t have to worry about from a match or a reach-out.

If you make the argument however, that dating apps are better because they take the pressure of meeting someone in person I would say that dating apps are very helpful for that.

But, approaching someone in person is a muscle that is definitely worth working out not just for dating but for life in general. Being able to speak up and speak your mind is something that Tinder can’t teach you.

So, to conclude, I don’t think that dating apps are entirely terrible.

But, that being said, what I think is more important is making sure that it’s not a complete replacement for meeting people in person and having that social and physical one-on-one interaction.

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