3 Takeaways from The Best Dating Book I’ve Ever Read
How to Not Die Alone by Logan Ury
Out of my 26 years of life, I’ve been single for a total of 25 years and 2 months.
But it was only recently that I started to consider that maybe, just maybe, I didn’t actually have the skills to make a lasting relationship happen.
So after watching Ali Abdaal interview Hinge’s Director of Sciences Logan Ury, I decided to give her book, How to Not Die Alone, a shot.
And it was a game-changer.
If you’re looking for how to learn how to date better, here are my three favorite takeaways from Logan Ury’s How to Not Die Alone.
I’ll break these down real quick in the article:
- Talk Through the Hard Stuff
- Learning What’s Assumed
- Dating is a Muscle
- Talk through the Hard Stuff
When you’re dating someone, you’re essentially making a life investment.
Not to sound “strictly business”, but it’s true.
This is someone you could spend the rest of your life with; someone you’ll be moving in with; maybe having kids with; potentially sharing a bank account with.
Ury points out that one of the largest mistakes that a couple can make, is not talking about this stuff.
She recommends that you “Decide, Not Slide” where you actually sit down with your partner and discuss what you both want out of this relationship.
There’s nothing more awkward when you don’t talk about something with your partner and now you’re stuck in a bad situation because there’s a clash (suddenly moving in or getting a dog without the other knowing) and they both thought they were on the same page.
Synchronicity is not always silent.
When in doubt, wait until you’re both in a good mood and don’t be scared to talk about the big stuff.
In fact, as an example, Ury says that according to a study people who move in before they get married have been found to be up to 39% less likely to get divorced than couples who move in after they’re married.
Remember, life investment.
Don’t be scared to have scary conversations to make sure it’s the right investment for both of you. And frankly, couples who do this are shown to be happier in the long run because of it!
2. Learning What’s Assumed
The older I get, the more I feel like dating is a lot like personal finances in America. By the time you’re a certain age in your adulthood, it’s just kind of assumed you already know what to do.
When the reality is, society kept assuming so much, you never actually learned what to do.
This book was that dating class my teenage self needed.
Sure, I learned how to be chivalrous and a gentleman (my superpowers were paying for her meal and holding the door), but I never learned what to do if I didn’t feel like it was a good relationship anymore.
Or how to be honest with a partner without ghosting.
Or how to meet people in real life and not a dating app.
Or how to go out with someone and not have it be another “coffee meet-up”.
Logan Ury spotlights the things that people do all the time and get antagonized when the truth might just be they were never taught what to do in the situation.
This book is the closest you can get to a game plan with something as unpredictable as relationships and romance.
My favorite example of this is at the very beginning of the book where she makes you take a quiz to figure out what kind of person you are in the dating world.
For me, I’m very much a “Romanticizer”. The one who grew up on too many Disney movies and thinks that they have to find the one.
And if they’re not (or worse don’t look like) the one, it’s not worth my time.
Ury argues that that’s a bad way of going about it because you eliminate so many people that are actually compatible and potentially great partners.
This book really opened my eyes in a way that I felt like I needed to and made me realize:
“Wait, that’s NOT how you do it?! Oh. Glad I know better now.”
3. Dating is a Muscle
I have a love-hate relationship with this one.
Pun absolutely intended.
But frankly, don’t we all?
I’ve avoided dating in the past for so many reasons. I don’t have the money to take her out on a nice date, I don’t want to get hurt again, I’m terrified to approach her, if the divorce rate is literally 50/50 why bother. And the list doesn’t stop there.
But Ury does not shy away from the fact that dating is like a muscle.
If you don’t use it, it gets weak.
If you don’t get out there and meet people, it’s never going to get better. You won’t wake up one day with a square jaw and great hair and saying “I shall meet a lover today!” if that’s the first time that’s ever happened.
This book is filled with great advice and guidance but the reason why I recommend it is because Logan is not scared to admit that reading about dating can only get you so far.
You have to get out there and do something with your knowledge.
And that transparency along with allll the other information in this 288-page book (not including the appendix) is why How to Not Die Alone is the best dating book I’ve ever read.