SATIRE

Michael Cohen Blames Blown Career on Parents

“I wanted to be a doctor!” says former Trump fixer.

In an exclusive interview with Bodacious Media, (BM), former fixer to the former POTUS, Michael Cohen, currently up to his beetle brows in orange jumpsuits, revealed that he blames his Holocaust survivor parents for his becoming a lawyer, “When I shoulda been a doctor!”

The disgraced attorney is serving his sentence with the likes of “Jersey Shore” star-turned-tax fraud convict Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino and former NFL star Darren Sharper is serving a 20-year sentence, for pleading guilty to multiple rape and drug-related charges.

From his bunk in a relatively cushy barracks inside FCI Otisville, a medium-security prison in New York State, the pudgy former attorney, and convicted felon expressed his “profound regret” at taking career advice from his parents rather than following his own heart.

Cohen’s mother, a nurse, and father, a surgeon, told the budding criminal that they didn’t think he had the brainpower to make it through medical school.

“I think they just didn’t want to pay for it,” says Cohen. “I don’t get it,” he added. I mean, what Jewish parents wouldn’t want their son to become a doctor? You’d think they’d be kvelling!”

A source who “prefers to remain anonymous” told BM that money wasn’t the issue. “Michael’s parents were no fools,” he said. “I mean, these were two smart, tough people who made it through the Holocaust, for Chrissake. With both of them being in the medical field, naturally, you’d think they’d want their kid to follow suit. That said, from what I heard — they knew, early on, that Michael was a sleaze in the making. We’re talkin’ putz and a half. Think about it: Who puts a picture of their daughter in lingerie up on the Twitter? If you ask me, Michael’s ‘gornisht helfn.’” (Translation: Beyond help.)

When asked why Cohen’s parents thought he’d make a good lawyer, the source responded, ”Because they didn’t believe there was any such thing as a ‘good lawyer.’ To be honest, I’d have to agree. You don’t have to be all that smart to make it through law school. Just a gangster.”

Since, as justice has been served, and he’ll be in stir for a while, we let Cohen have the final word. “I love my parents,” he said. “But I’m really, really pissed-off. If they’d just let me go to med school, I coulda been something. I coulda been a contender. Instead of a felon — which is what I am.”

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

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