Men Don’t Get It: The Lights Are On and Nobody’s Home

Observation: 23rd of December 2023, 3:37p.m

You know what, I just don’t understand why men think that every women’s plight is about ‘equality’ with them. Like we’re trying to gain access to something they have, that we don’t — all the time. Take for example abortion rights.

How it all started

I had a very interesting interaction with a man, who I will describe as white, probably straight, and older than I am. Frankly I don’t care about who he is and what makes him who he is physically, it was his mind set that made me raise an eyebrow. His thoughts in response to my essay, French Feminists Legally Secure Irreversible Abortion Rights which they have done from 2024.

In a nutshell, he felt that, “it’s a woman’s responsibility to be responsible for her body,” this is how it all started. So naturally I pointed out: what makes him think women aren’t? Especially as the statistics show rape, abuse, and sexual attacks on women at a high rate — by men. The statistics don’t support his argument about women not being responsible. What the statistics show is: (some) men taking liberties with women’s bodies via the statistics around rape, abuse, assault, and the fact that it’s been widely reported women are familiar with the men who assault them. Meaning most likely men they thought they knew, and probably liked to think they could trust, too.

So naturally I pointed out: what makes him think women aren’t?

He also went on to talk about the Roe vs Wade law changes in America “have not outlawed abortion.” They have, sir — it’s no longer a right the American women have, and States have the right to ban abortions if they want, if I understand what I read on the Centre of Reproductive Right’s website.

Women can’t have it all — apparently

He then went on to talk about how women, “can’t have it both ways if they are victims they need protection.” Also that, “women can’t be equal to men”, and, “we need to get over our ‘victimhood’.” Or maybe be meant I need to LOL.

I was like right, right, in my mind they do need protection, and yeah they are victims — of harassment, abuse, rape etc., at very high rates so they do need protection — agreed.

But what I was not feeling was the argument about advocating for women’s rights to abortion, being about equality. Also, the “victimhood” nonsense made me giggle a bit. If I’m honest as I read it I chuckled. Then there was the part about, “being responsible.”

Lights on but who is home?

This is where I got pretty pissed off, because advocating for women’s rights to abortions is not about equality. As I explained to him — a man can’t have an abortion, so we are not out here fighting for access to something men have that we don’t or can’t have access to. The argument about equality made no sense, (to me at least) it’s not about that.

Also, responsibility placed on women to mind their own bodies, what… when a woman is minding her own business and gets raped or abused? Is that what this is about? I asked myself.

And this is why I feel that some men and ‘pro-life’ advocates just don’t get it.

The argument about equality made no sense, (to me at least) it’s not about that.

Protection is needed

What some men and those in favour of the Roe vs Wade changes don’t get is:

• The right to an abortion means a woman is protected from an unwanted pregnancy — no matter how it arises, and especially if it’s via a rape. Not about being equal to a man.
• She is a victim, but there’s not ‘victimhood’, because she has had something happen to her — no one is making it up if she was abused.
• Taking this right away means she is no longer protected— and neither is the daughter, sister, wife, cousin, aunty, mother etc., of said man who can’t understand this. By this I mean protection from an unwanted pregnancy no matter how it arises. And that is her right to not have a baby, if she does not want to.
• Having this right is not about a fight for ‘equality’ with men, when clearly men can’t have an unwanted pregnancy, if they’re raped or contraception fails. We don’t want something you have already that we are denied!
• Taking away the right, or leaving that right open to be removed if a State decides to, means she is no longer protected from things a woman falls victim of — in high numbers mind you.

About responsibility

When I considered this man’s argument about women, “needing to be responsible” and “to be taught to be responsible” I almost wanted to vomit in my mouth, it turned my stomach. It felt to me like there’s an assumption that it’s “her fault” if she has an unwanted pregnancy.

Just like when I wrote about, how patriarchy oppresses Korean women, the culture of the patriarchy and society showed: this is how men tended to think, or society generally — it’s her fault.

Based on this man’s argument, as it was clear to me he wanted to place “responsibility” on someone, for a woman’s pregnancy. I felt that: statistically speaking, it’s men who need to “learn to be responsible with women’s bodies.” Women are minding their own business.

If she says no, bro, it’s a no — capeesh?

I also reflected that, if men took more responsibility to understand this, the statistics around abuse, rape, and sexual harm to women and girls would reduce.

Ol’ boy would be happy then — no ‘victimhood’ for women to ‘claim’ or ‘play up to’.

When I considered this man’s argument about women, “needing to be responsible” and “to be taught to be responsible” I almost wanted to vomit in my mouth, it turned my stomach.

Seriously, why don’t they get it? Why don’t people see that women’s rights are around protection in some cases, not to be equal to the men who love to swing their dicks around, in the name of patriarchy or some bull-shit like this.

But I digress

What I’ve learned is: women’s advocacy is important work. Especially if some people in society feel the way they do, about a woman’s right to protection following some kind of abuse, and/or autonomy over whether she does or does not become a mother — even if she has not been abused. But, especially if she has been abused.

What came to mind was Aretha Franklin, it has been rumored that she had her father’s child, as a baby girl herself. How true this is, is another question but she still had a child young.

Then I thought about Ceile in Alice Walker’s The Color Purple (1982) who also ( so she thought) had her father’s child. Both women abused so badly in earlier eras — no right to protection from this, or the outcome of pregnancy ( which they both may not have wanted). It felt to me like there’s a danger of going back there again, if women have such restriction over abortion.

Not for one moment am I saying we should go around killing babies, or abortion should be some kind of new form of contraceptive!

But what I am saying is that: I believe in protection of women from unwanted pregnancies for whatever reason they decide. I believe in the right to be able to decide what you do with your own damn body. And I don’t like the idea of women after me having a struggle for this, not after women before me fought so hard for their protection and rights.

Why don’t they get it?

Lights on, no one home?… most likely, yeah. I’ll leave it as that. I better start thinking about making dinner now, anyway.

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