HOLD YOUR HORSES!
Meet Mister Editor, Our Diversity Horse, of Course
We call him Mister Ed for short
A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle. — Ian Fleming
Our editor group was unstable, verging on unbalanced. What to do?
We didn’t want to go bats, or cuckoo, or squirrely.
Fake news wasn’t widespread then, so we just learned that
in the Equine Actors’ Equity Act of 2005, Congress enabled horses to obtain Social Security numbers and live, work, and play indoors alongside their human friends. The operative word is work, of course, because work = taxable income, and taxes make rich politicians richer, so they pass tax bills.
Here at MuddyUm, the perennial popularity of poop pieces made us ponder becoming a one-horse publication at last week’s Mudditor meeting. Declaiming, “A horse! a horse! my pirate ship for a horse, of course,” Susan asked us to look into the matter.
Andrew Rodwin, Emoji Trapper, helped me put a hitch in the space-time continuum. We hired Mister Ed 2 weeks ago. Mister Ed promptly hired Baskerville Old Face (BOF), of course, to help with his Medium writer’s bio and a creative pseudonym.¹ The bio blue ribbon went to:
If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you’ll never end up with a nag.²
Then Mister Ed hired well-known animal rights activist & occasional Outlaw Phoenix Huber, of course, to negotiate his payment medium. Phx, FYI, other Mudditors are paid in dryer lint, dust bunnies, rum, and gummies.
Horsefeathers & rocking horse shit
Just think of the probable effects of a horse’s prodigious — compared to humans, of course — output on our stats! We can expect Mister Ed’s end product to be generally greener and less smelly, too.
What else does Mister Ed bring from the stable to the table?
He’ll take point on editing stories about horsing around, horseplay, and horse sense, of course. Though Mister Ed will never speak unless he has something to say, we accept the risk that his horselaugh in Mudditor meetings may make them run overtime even more often.
Just what a ship needs: ‘a steady course’
In an initiative to increase productivity in the Outlaw ranks, he’ll serve as Susan’s gatekeeper. Mister Ed is famous for telling people what they want to hear:
Go right to the source and ask the horse. He’ll give you the answer that you’ll endorse He’s always on a steady course. Talk to Mister Ed!
Onboarding
In light of their shared passion for another “Ed” — Education, Susan Brearley & Gary Chapin will get Mister Ed up to a gallop on speech-to-text software appropriate, of course, for his physical characteristics. Mister Ed agreed to listen to Scott Dikkers’ audiobooks about writing funny once Susan & Gary figure out the mechanics.
Stay on track with MuddyUm’s new rules
Mister Ed balked before negotiations began by informing Susan, “You can lead me to water, but you can’t make me drink rum!” Of course, Susan riposted, “Whoa Nellie! more rum for the humans!” as she shook him by the hoof.³ The rumor that Mister Ed will be paid in horse dewormer is debunked.
We’ve removed our blinders and will rein in rearing writers
After some discussion, of course, we agreed with Mister Ed that the following culturally insensitive idioms are “punching down”:
- getting off your high horse — wrong on multiple levels
- eating like a horse
- looking a gift horse in the mouth
- beating or flogging a dead horse — for shame
SIDEBAR
Mister Ed wishes to say Thank you, anonymous girls, for contributing to his GoFundMe last year that helped so many equine creatures⁴ who couldn't work during the pandemic.Amy Sea brought up the old saw “A nod’s as good as a wink to a blind horse” for discussion. Mister Ed believes that wording should be allowed only when required by context. More discussion is needed, of course.
That made me wonder how Mister Ed feels about hearing “horse’s ass” and “horseshit” bandied about, but we ran out of time so I couldn’t ask. Did his dam and/or sire wash out his mouth for cussing as a colt?
‘Charlie horse’ is now on Slack
Mudditors, please drop a link in the 🔒charliehorse channel whenever a draft in the queue is submitted with “blind horse” or other wording indicating atypical equine physicality.
Once he harnesses his new tech, Mister Ed will of course be available on Slack to address Outlaw questions about:
- mounting and dismounting techniques
- double-gaitedness
- colts, fillies, stallions, and geldings
- bucking up and mucking out
- pleasure riding
- warmbloods
Outlaws, rest assured that MuddyUm is woke to the perils of hiring only dark horses now that the most famous horse of a different color, palomino, is on board.
¹ I don’t know what Hoss’s handle is on Medium. BOF is mum. Apropos of nothing, have you noticed there are TWO — count ’em, 2 — Mudditors with the initials A.R. on MuddyUm’s About tab? Highly suspicious.
² A Zig Ziglar quote, of course.
³ The Cap’n closed the deal in less than 9 minutes, Andrew. EDITOR FAIRY NOTE: While you two were shaking appendages, I noticed Mister Ed needs shoeing, Susan. Here’s a link to a good farrier. Did you know they’re not synonymous with blacksmiths?
⁴ Let’s not forget donkeys, unicorns, zebras, and, of course, individuals of any species who identify as Equus. This statement meets the stringent new MuddyUm inclusivity standard Hogan Torah is drafting. His father the Mouseketeer once rode Mister Ed but we don’t talk about that.
You’ll find my other humor here, of course.
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed my nonsense. If you’d like to support me as a writer, there are two ways. To receive my stories via email, click here. Not yet a Medium member? Sign up via my referral link here. Unlimited access to Medium is excellent cheap entertainment at just $50 a year or $5 a month.
Mister Ed recommends we all read ‘A Long Day in the Saddle,’ by Major A.S.S. Burns
↑↑ This joke’s for you, H.D. Ingles. ↑↑
