Dilate this!
Have Blade — Will Travel
How a Swiss patent clerk solved a Zen koan by curving spacetime
Rock’em Sock’em Occam
This is a story about Occam’s Razor. The go-to blade on your philosophical multitool. The best solution posits the fewest entities.
Got a conundrum that’s causing sudden onset of acute insomnia or telogen effluvium? Fetch your strop. Hone away. Continue until you can lop a hair off your tricep.
The Conundrum
Here is the Razor’s latest casualty.
The facts.
- Susan Bostian’s subtitle was about one bot clapping.
- My title was about one hand clapping.
Susan postulates that
- My title was uncannily similar to her subtitle, staying cautiously clear of the p word — though my attorney’s trigger finger is still itching
- I ignored the MWC deadline for the LAZY category
Fair questions Susan!
Laz…😴
The concept of a deadline for a contest about laziness is easily gainsaid via reductio ad absurdum. Don’t need Occam for this one. Since when do lazy people give a rat’s ass about deadlines? These are the same people who, instead of writing a proper title, will roll with There’s No Title. All to avoid reducing nap time. I defer to Smillew Rahcuef, our resident expert.
Timeline
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Consider our timeline.
➡️ Susan published a story about one bot clapping. ➡️ A month later, it appears — and we will appreciate those italics later — that I published a story about one hand clapping.
The bots thicken!
Another handy blade on your philosophical multitool? A search bar. Consider how many more cats Schrodinger might have poisoned if he’d had search!
And search I did. Paydirt!
Smillew Rahcuef again? Pretty darn industrious for a guy who branded laziness!
Many hands vainly clapping
In the words of the legendary Ron Popeil,
But wait! There’s more!
And that list goes on.
Your head is spinning? Mine sure is. Time to
Cleave the conundrum!
Batting cleanup, Occam’s Razor.
Ducks on the pond Occam, bring ’em home!
Relative velocity
Consider relative velocity. By which, I do not mean your cousin Anya’s world hurdles record.
Susan Bostian reaches maximum velocity when her Yugo descends a steep hill with a microburst tailwind. And then she floors it. The speedometer needle nudges 60. The idea of flooring a Yugo is also ripe for reductio ad absurdum because the drivetrain consists of a jumbo rubber band. Just sayin’.
My maximum velocity ranges between 184,000 miles per second and a hair shy of lightspeed. How is that possible? Thank you for asking. A thoughtful question.
Time dilation
Moving on. As Albert Einstein pointed out in his Special Theory of Relativity, time dilation occurs when two bodies move at different relative velocities. The greater the difference, the greater the time dilation. Clocks differ!
You can see where I’m headed. We’re positing one entity. The speed of light exceeds that of a Yugo by a factor of a shitload to one. Yes, I did the math. Tailwind be damned.
I’m comfortable with that. And so is Occam.
The climax, but not *that* kind of climax
In the world of Susan Bostian, my article appeared a month after hers.
In my world, my article was first.
In the worlds of Eli Pacheco, Smillew Rahcuef, Mike Essig, Sandy Knight, and Starkey, all moving at varying relative velocities, their articles were first.
Not only that, my article appeared before the MWC deadline. That’s a twofer.
And not only that, it may have appeared before MuddyUm existed, before Medium existed, and quite possibly before I was even born.
Or Schrodinger.
Or Einstein.
Or even Occam.
A happy ending, but not *that* kind of happy ending
And so Susan, all is right with the worlds⬅️.
Your article appeared first in your world.
My article appeared first in mine.
🎵🎵🎵 I say the hands clap and you say the bots clap, let’s call the whole thing off! 🎵🎵🎵
As for my buttering up the judges and maybe even greasing their palms, well, did you ever try one hand clapping with dry chapped skin? All I can say is, don’t.
Hey. I’m just here to serve.
Thanks, you’ve been a great crowd. Don’t forget to tip your server on your way out.
The contest!
Smillew’s excellent contest entry!
Susan’s excellent contest entry!
My excellent contest entry!
Oops. Missed the deadline.